If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

[Motherofamonkey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

My child's neurodivergence (ASD) didn't have much impact on family life until she was 15. She then developed OCD, severe insomnia and agoraphobia. I used to be one of those really annoying "autism is a gift!" mothers and now I want to physically assault people who say that. Neurodivergence is a HUGE spectrum.

It's seems to be every other child born these days.

Really? I would say a very small proportion

@TomatoSandwiches a lot of parents don't actually realise but a diagnosis doesn't entitle children to extra support. Support should be given based on need.

@TomeTome a lot in schools - 20% in most classes. ND - a very negative label, I feel, but includes autistim, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia as well.

The diagnostic process is quite long and they do tell you that on repeat l

So taking dyslexia as the most well known and understood in that list, how would it help a dyslexic child not to know they were dyslexic?

@TomeTome clearly an identification of dyslexia is helpful to a child. It's the negative label of ND that I have a problem with.

Op, I'm in such a similar position to you. My 4 year old ds has adhd and mild autism. I'm wondering about odd too. He is very challenging but also incredible and amazing in his own way. I think he would be ok with another sibling and he loves babies. However he is massively demanding.

Our dd is 21 months and I think she is NT.

I have severe anxiety and have recently been diagnosed myself with ADHD.
I struggled both times with pregnancy and birth.

We have supportive families and both work. We're also in a fortunate position of not having a mortgage which hugely helps our finances.

I'm an only child and always loved the idea of a bigger family.

I'm 36 though so not getting any younger if it is going to happen. Dh is 35. How old are you? Could you give it a bit longer before a third?

That's a perspective thing. I associate ND with creativity, ability to think in original ways, ability to come up with solutions others can't see - and so many other things. Definitely not a negative thing to me. I acknowledge it comes with many struggles but it's not all bad.

@TomatoSandwiches absolutely

You would have thought @tona79 would have known this being a teacher

The terms ND and NT are not negative labels. I think the more familiar we become as a society in using them and understanding what they mean, the better. It will and should become the norm. A 'label' (if you want to call it that) can be a positive thing. I like having a diagnosis of ADHD myself now as an adult. I'm ND and that explains a lot to me and to my family/friends. In a way it's quite liberating.

I think there are a lot of offensive posts on here, the comments about too many children having diagnoses, seem to be made by people who don’t themselves have a child with autism, I don’t see it as a label, it’s a signpost to getting the right kind of support.
My DH was autistic,we had twins first and then our son three years later, all three children were diagnosed in just over a year.
And when you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.
my three are very different. All have the same diagnosis, my girls share a date of birth, we promote individuality, so they have different hair styles and one has purple hair and one has rainbow stripes, they have never worn the same outfits.
My girls were late to talk, my son, was talking and walking at 10 months.
He then stopped talking at 18 months, he started jumping up and down and flapping his arms, he started lining everything up and banging his head on the floor.climbing on everything.
We got him into a nursery for children with autism, he started talking again at 5. People suggested his regression and changes was due to him copying his sisters, but they weren’t able to jump and flap or climb.
they are all in their 20s now, my son is having driving lessons and goes out independently to the gym and swimming, takes himself for a haircut and goes shopping and does some volunteering.
He finds it hard to understand his sisters as they like very different things, they can’t go out alone so we have support in the house, we have to keep things locked up as they love emptying liquids everywhere, all uncooked meat is kept in the locked garden room fridge.
I have a range a physical disabilities and serious health issues which can mean hospital stays.
I remember years ago someone posted saying that there should be a test you can have when you’re pregnant to spot autism, that thread kicked off and got pulled quite quickly.
I don’t have an official autism adhd diagnosis.
Excuse the spelling and lack of punctuation.

@cherish123 a diagnosis doesn't entitle a child to extra support but it really helps when putting the evidence together for an EHCP. I say that as a parent in the process of doing that for my ds and also as a primary school teacher.

It's how we're evolving to understand society. I think adhd, autism etc, have always been there but now we recognise it and give it a name, unlike in previous generations. My dad is 68 and likely has undiagnosed adhd and possibly autism. He was put in what was called the 'remedial' class at school. They were told then that they were lazy, thick, stupid, naughty, etc. Surely we've made massive progress to understand that ND does not mean these things.

The question is probably more is it fair to your two children to then get less time if you have a third? Also what if your third has more serious issues, is it fair for this unborn child and worth the risk given you already have two with special needs?

What's offensive about being realistic?

My son has SPD and he gets on with it like everyone else does. It's only an issue if you make it one.

Those are questions you ask before having any additional child. I wouldn't make the decision any differently knowing my next child could be ND (most likely will be). I don't view it as a 'risk' because a ND child isn't a lesser child or only worth having if they are not ND.

Obviously this is a sensitive subject, but if a child is going to have some serious issues eg distressed alot of the time, needs alot of support etc then it doesn't really seem fair to the child in terms of the childs quakity of life. I know I wouldn't want that for the child (putting aside my own feelings) and thinking of the child

You're assuming all children are on the severe end of autism. Some you can hardly tell they are autistic. Others might be more severely affected but make significant contributions to society or family anyway. Challenges doesn't have to make for a miserable life. Autistic people are not worth less.

One things I've learned in life, there is no guarantee they will have an easy or good life, or will be healthy, even if born that way. They may experience trauma (lots of kids lose parents during childhood or experience other negative things). They may have a disease diagnosed only later in their childhood, have an accident and end up in a wheelchair. You just don't know. Having any child is a roll of the dice for you and them.

If we really wanted to make sure our children never have any suffering or trauma in life, we shouldn't have them NT, ND or whatever.

I can assure you that you don’t have to be NT to be glad you are alive.

I'm neurodiverse and I have a great quality of life thanks.

Is it? Is being so sensitive to noise and light only an issue because I'm making it one? Even though both are painful?

If you are already finding it tough to manage the needs of the children you have, I wouldn't have another. Regardless of ND or not.

Because at 23 my eldest still isn't diagnosed my middle one is acknowledged ND vut they don't think it's "too bad" (it really is) and my third? Sitting on a waiting list he is ten