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Original poster

If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

221 replies

Motherofamonkey · 15/04/2023 22:39

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 18/04/2023 07:39

piratypotato · 18/04/2023 00:39

as I keep trying to get across, ND does not need to mean significant care needs,

Of course not.

And yet, for our family, that is what it means. Unless you know differently? Maybe we’re doing ND wrong and you can come sort us all out.

Or maybe we don’t count? Maybe a person is only ND if their differences are ‘superpowers’ ‘quirks’.

I do agree with pp that the discourse around neurodiversity has been dominated by the most ‘able’ in a way that just further marginalises people with greater support needs.

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 08:24

I do agree with pp that the discourse around neurodiversity has been dominated by the most ‘able’ in a way that just further marginalises people with greater support needs.

Yes, I am surprisingly angered (because I'm very pro lived experience and voices in care) at the whole 'listen to #actuallyautistic voices' which gets told to parents of children who are probably very different to the articulate Twitter users condemning ABA/PBS/'negative' language etc etc. Eg im autistic but I wouldn't dream of advising a parent of a non verbal four year old how to manage them.

SouthCountryGirl · 18/04/2023 08:29

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 08:24

I do agree with pp that the discourse around neurodiversity has been dominated by the most ‘able’ in a way that just further marginalises people with greater support needs.

Yes, I am surprisingly angered (because I'm very pro lived experience and voices in care) at the whole 'listen to #actuallyautistic voices' which gets told to parents of children who are probably very different to the articulate Twitter users condemning ABA/PBS/'negative' language etc etc. Eg im autistic but I wouldn't dream of advising a parent of a non verbal four year old how to manage them.

I've only seen this with Autism. Never with any other disability. Yes I've seen parents ask questions and they're answered honestly. But never dominated like it seems to be with Autism. And those of us who do claim its a disability are shot down.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 08:30

We all know this, however in the context of the thread it's perfectly reasonable for people to talk about peoples who have children with conditions which do mean significant care needs. The minimising of 'ND' from you is astounding, give it the subject of the thread. I'm happy your children's needs are not significant but we don't all walk the same path so perhaps this isn't the thread for you if all you are here to do is shout loudly about something that isn't being discussed.

Nobody is talking about children with minimal support needs, at least not in a way to make those who have children who are severely disabled bad for daring to speak of consideration when having more children.

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 08:30

Sorry the above was a response to

as I keep trying to get across, ND does not need to mean significant care needs,

From @piratypotato

JustDanceAddict · 18/04/2023 08:32

DS (baby 2) was really hard work as a toddler/young child and it def put me off having another baby. Good job as he is probably neurodivergent (although v high functioning hence no diagnosis yet but this may change v soon) and his older sibling self ids as autistic!!! So two young adults DCs who have struggled w anxiety prob due to being ‘high functioning’ neurodivergent people for 20-odd years.
Maybe your third child would be neurotypical or present further challenges- it’s the unknown. Could you cope?

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 08:34

I've only seen this with Autism. Never with any other disability. Yes I've seen parents ask questions and they're answered honestly. But never dominated like it seems to be with Autism. And those of us who do claim its a disability are shot down.

Same - there's almost a four way split. And the bloody arguments over ND terminology on LinkedIn and the definition and bla bla bla.
Parents of autistic children (who are profoundly impacted) and their children - largely ignored, fighting for some space, usually find a friendly home amongst LD parents
Autistic adults who struggle and don't feel blessed
ND adults who believe they have a super power and do shout outs and talk about their difficulties in a positive way.
Obviously there is a quiet majority who just crack on but if you look beyond Facebook groups for some help or advice it's really unpleasant at times.

piratypotato · 18/04/2023 09:36

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 08:30

We all know this, however in the context of the thread it's perfectly reasonable for people to talk about peoples who have children with conditions which do mean significant care needs. The minimising of 'ND' from you is astounding, give it the subject of the thread. I'm happy your children's needs are not significant but we don't all walk the same path so perhaps this isn't the thread for you if all you are here to do is shout loudly about something that isn't being discussed.

Nobody is talking about children with minimal support needs, at least not in a way to make those who have children who are severely disabled bad for daring to speak of consideration when having more children.

You seem to have massively missed the point here. OP asked the question, she set the tone. She has one child who DOES not have significant care needs. He does not have autism, he's not non verbal, etc.
As usual, people have then taken on the term ND to mean the most significant needs and ignored the actual starting point of the thread, and lumped in all ND people as one entity and described them as a burden, a reason to not have other children, their existence is unfair to siblings, another one the same would be the worst thing ever.

You're arguing with the wrong person here. I didn't change the topic at all, I'm one of the very few that actually paid attention and tried to give a reasonable voice.

piratypotato · 18/04/2023 09:40

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 08:34

I've only seen this with Autism. Never with any other disability. Yes I've seen parents ask questions and they're answered honestly. But never dominated like it seems to be with Autism. And those of us who do claim its a disability are shot down.

Same - there's almost a four way split. And the bloody arguments over ND terminology on LinkedIn and the definition and bla bla bla.
Parents of autistic children (who are profoundly impacted) and their children - largely ignored, fighting for some space, usually find a friendly home amongst LD parents
Autistic adults who struggle and don't feel blessed
ND adults who believe they have a super power and do shout outs and talk about their difficulties in a positive way.
Obviously there is a quiet majority who just crack on but if you look beyond Facebook groups for some help or advice it's really unpleasant at times.

But the thread isn't about autism, You can't complain about your perspective being hijacked when you are doing the hijacking. Literally my point, ND does not always mean autism. Not every question about ND is for you.

Sure, the question was open to all and so you pov is valid too. But its not the only one and its wrong of you to try and shut down those who are trying to talk abotu the diversity of ND people, and how we are just people.

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 09:54

@piratypotato I'm having a side chat with someone. Please scroll back and see where I have directly stated ND isn't just ASC before you jump in.

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 09:56

OneFrenchEgg · 17/04/2023 19:52

This is why ND is such a pointless term. Everyone uses it for ASC whereas the 'movement' means HFA (old term) dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD etc etc

@piratypotato done it for you.

TomeTome · 18/04/2023 10:08

If you already have children with any of those nd “conditions” then you ARE more likely to have a child with significant needs. Just because your first child sits somewhere relatively comfortable on the spectrum doesn’t mean your second will. The OP is really asking what your take on the “risk” is.

TeamRR · 18/04/2023 10:09

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 08:30

We all know this, however in the context of the thread it's perfectly reasonable for people to talk about peoples who have children with conditions which do mean significant care needs. The minimising of 'ND' from you is astounding, give it the subject of the thread. I'm happy your children's needs are not significant but we don't all walk the same path so perhaps this isn't the thread for you if all you are here to do is shout loudly about something that isn't being discussed.

Nobody is talking about children with minimal support needs, at least not in a way to make those who have children who are severely disabled bad for daring to speak of consideration when having more children.

I don't see any minimising. I do see you telling people to get of the thread if their child's needs aren't significant enough for you.

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 10:15

I don't see any minimising. I do see you telling people to get of the thread if their child's needs aren't significant enough for you.

Yeah I probably came across badly there and that isn't what I was trying to say. If someone is asking about having other children and considering their existing disabled child though I do think it's not the place for someone to come along and tell everyone that ND doesn't always mean disability. I'm not saying that posters childless needs are not significant enough for me - they are saying their children's need are not significant to be considered a disability which really isn't the point of the thread. If you have ND children who don't have significant needs it's unlikely you would have to factor the needs in when having another.

As usual I can't get form head to print to explain well what I mean but this is not the place for stamping your feet and defining you ND children as not having high needs. It isn't the subject.

piratypotato · 18/04/2023 10:21

TomeTome · 18/04/2023 10:08

If you already have children with any of those nd “conditions” then you ARE more likely to have a child with significant needs. Just because your first child sits somewhere relatively comfortable on the spectrum doesn’t mean your second will. The OP is really asking what your take on the “risk” is.

yes, and she's asking from the point of view of someone with a child who does not have needs on the extreme end of the spectrum, but apparently the rest of us also there need to piss off while people are being extremely offensive about out children.

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 10:33

I'm sorry I don't mean to come across as offensive I'm just really shit at articulating. I think I have got drawn into a needless battle and I can only apologise to anyone who I h ave offended.

I shall get my coat...

Marths · 18/04/2023 10:51

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 08:24

I do agree with pp that the discourse around neurodiversity has been dominated by the most ‘able’ in a way that just further marginalises people with greater support needs.

Yes, I am surprisingly angered (because I'm very pro lived experience and voices in care) at the whole 'listen to #actuallyautistic voices' which gets told to parents of children who are probably very different to the articulate Twitter users condemning ABA/PBS/'negative' language etc etc. Eg im autistic but I wouldn't dream of advising a parent of a non verbal four year old how to manage them.

You say that like there isn't a thread on here every 10 minutes about how people who are relatively high functioning get too much attention and take resources away from those who are more deserving.

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2023 10:55

Yes that's true, like I said earlier it's full of factions - there is no 'community'.

TomeTome · 18/04/2023 13:09

It’s hardly surprising that people reiterate their thoughts on the distribution of resources though us it? I mean were you expecting them to calmly state their experience once and then sit quietly in the shadows so as not to disturb the status quo? There aren’t even words anymore to describe severity or impact. The silencing is ruthless.

The most ridiculous thing is many of us have loved ones in very different areas of the spectrum with very different support needs and yet still our views are not valid enough if they don’t support whatever point us being laboured. This isn’t a rehearsal and the endless bickering isn’t victimless.

Marths · 18/04/2023 13:17

TomeTome · 18/04/2023 13:09

It’s hardly surprising that people reiterate their thoughts on the distribution of resources though us it? I mean were you expecting them to calmly state their experience once and then sit quietly in the shadows so as not to disturb the status quo? There aren’t even words anymore to describe severity or impact. The silencing is ruthless.

The most ridiculous thing is many of us have loved ones in very different areas of the spectrum with very different support needs and yet still our views are not valid enough if they don’t support whatever point us being laboured. This isn’t a rehearsal and the endless bickering isn’t victimless.

And when people want to redirect the resources we and/or out children rely on to those who they deem more deserving, are we supposed to sit quietly? You're complaining about being silenced, has anyone told you to stop stamping your feet and get off the thread?

TomeTome · 18/04/2023 13:31

It sounds like you’ve been involved in a squabble. I have no interest in having it rehashed for me to “judge” who’s right or wrong. I have children at home so honestly that a role I don’t need to expand.

I’d have another child if I felt I could care for it and love it. I wouldn’t if I didn’t.

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