If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

[Motherofamonkey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

Offensive in my eye. Sorry.

I have one ND DC, I was only ever going to have one child so it wasn't a choice that was impacted by DS's neurodiversity in any way.

But now DS is 18 - OMG. The lack of support/help/understanding for adults... I think I would have unwittingly put a huge burden on a second child. That doesn't mean my existing child isn't adored and much-wanted. It just means when he was little I was completely ignorant about how the world works for ND adults.

As a teacher I find the whole "neurodivergent" thing very sad, when I was at school in the 90's, there were no children in my year who were labelled, what there was, the typical mix that makes up a world, no need to slap a label on, just roll with it - I have been told more than once by a friends hubby who is a "psychologist" that I'm probably autistic, so what if I am, or am not, can't see what it achieves to label, and if I am by the number of us they have unearthed it doesn't appear to be rare, so maybe is just part of the spectrum of normal?

What is good is to recognise that the world is made up of all sorts of people with different traits, and from my end different learning styles, ways of interacting and go with the flow.

I didn’t know. But also, DS2 is autistic but very well-behaved, kind and academic. He causes me a lot of worry but probably no more than a neurotypical child.

@tona79 whats terrifying is that you are a teacher and have so limited an understanding. Could you ask for some extra training.

How nice.....

Unfortunately in the real world without a diagnosis (not label) your child gets no extra help they desperately need, no EHCP, no access to SEN schools, no therapies, no respite for families.....

It is really depressing to constantly read posts like this downplaying real and serious conditions that will always hinder/limit my sons and many other childrens lives, please stop it.

We didn't know DC2 has ASD at the stage where we made the decision to have DC3.

I wouldn't send no 3 back as they are very much adored, but if we knew how draining meeting DC2's needs would be over time, I'm sure we'd have made the same decision again. If often feels as though so much focus is on DC2, and the adults are so worn down, that both of the others miss out on our attention too much as normal family stuff like board games can be nigh on impossible to manage in our house. DC2 in our case is demand avoidant, so every part of the day is a challenge- dressing, eating, medication etc all involves following an instruction, and their lack of ability to do what they are told also sets a very low bar for standards of behaviour for their younger sibling to follow, which just leads to constant mayhem.

You'll know your own child, and how their individual traits work, and are really the only one who can judge how they would cope with a sibling arriving, and how you would cope with an extra person with their own character, needs and worries thrown into the mix.

So I think if we had known then we wouldn't have kept going as having 2 kids is so much easier as you're not outnumbered, meaning that each child can have more one on one attention and have their own needs met more fully.

(Though that said, DC3 is an absolute darling and one of those "out of the mouths of babes" characters, and definitely made my family feel complete)

20 years in the job, never had a pupil get lower than a B in old money at GCSE, I think I know education. The trick is to get to know how your pupils learn and behave, and manage the groups accordingly, that is what we are trained to do.

I've never found the labelling adds anything, you can have 10 kids labelled the same, but in reality are all entirely different people, the interact differently, learn differently, behave differently, and you bend with the wind.

This is hilarious. When you were a child you were not given the details of other children's diagnoses, what on earth makes you think you should have been. I can assure you that there were children in the 90s who were autistic or had ADHD among other conditions and by that time it was definitely being diagnosed. I seem to recall fainting-couch headlines in the 90s about how there were far too many dyslexics being diagnosed supposedly for extra exam time.

It's probably true that children then might not have been told they had an ASD (Aspergers) or ADHD diagnosis and they might have been encouraged not to tell others about it if they did know.

The ND kids were labelled. "Stupid", "Naughty". Just a couple. Teachers were the worst offenders. Now we at least understand that their minds might just see things differently.

I look back at some kids I went to school with. How much better it would have been for the one boy who comes to mind to be diagnosed with dyslexia rather than 'slow' with all the other kids sighing about how long it took him to read anything.

Offensive.

Oh dear.

Without seeking more understanding, and latterly diagnoses, of my DS's neurodivergence he would have been expelled. Labelled by teachers like you as a disruptive force who had no place in the classroom, a boy who wasn't 'ready' for school and needing more 'discipline'. No. He needed medication, a psychiatrist to unpick the damage done by teachers like you who told him 'just try harder' and 'just sit still'. Funnily enough his diagnoses have helped him understand himself better. The more I write the angrier I become - to think you are in education and have such a wildly ignorant view.

OP, to answer your question - we decided to try for a second when my ND DS1 was about 3. I think DS2 is NT (he's 5 now) but we would have been able to cope regardless due to moving closer to family support when DS1 was little. I think it's quite sensible to think about how a third child might impact your family, although I do agree with some posters that it's an uncomfortable conversation.

Dd2 was a newborn when autism was first mentioned for ds.

They have a love hate relationship, it is that that makes it so difficult. He often says that he wishes she had never been born.

Three is more difficult (just from a practical pov firstly) so consider that as well.

👏

Oh this is BEYOND depressing as posts go. For starters it's not a bloody label it's a diagnosis.

No, everyone is not on the spectrum. To be deemed to be autistic you have to have a whole collection of traits not just one or two. Being good at Maths or not liking change or hating parties does not make you autistic. The spectrum is not a straight line with high functioning people at one end and people with complex needs at the other where you can creep onto the 'low' end because someone once said you're a bit like Sheldon from The Big Bang 🙄

I am ND. Got my diagnosis as an adult. It's been enormously helpful. It's let me reflect on my life with the new lense of understanding why things have gone the way they have. It also gives me permission to be kind to myself when there are things that I find particularly difficult that my NT friends don't.

Both my DC are autistic. Their diagnoses have really given them insight into their understanding (or lack of) the world. They are both very bright and good at masking but often come completely unstuck in a really 'normal' situation. Now they know why. It's not because (as my dd would say) they are weird or stupid, it's because they are round pegs in a world with square holes. The world they are dealing with is infinitely more fast moving and complex than they one we dealt with at their age. With their diagnoses they have access to quiet spaces, support, empathy, understanding, extra time for exams (and taking their exams in smaller rooms) and being allowed study breaks. At University they have had access to automatic extensions on deadlines, funding for a computer, printer and helpful programs, access to autism mentors, priority in accommodation. So yeah, having that 'label slapped on them' has actually been pretty useful...

FFS.

Oh and to answer your question OP, we didn't know until we'd already had both dc.

Thank you @tona79 for your post.
I absolutely agree with your post. I am fed up of adults labelling every child who doesn't fit the mould. It's almost as though we are trying to think of a reason for every trait or behaviour.

its Not that ND people are valued less, it’s the ND children require more time and attention. Because of the extra attention required for a ND child I can see why a couple might not have a child because they are already stretched.

And some of us delayed getting the 'label' until we couldn't avoid it any longer. I should have done it sooner, in hindsight.

That comes down to the capacity of the parent to cope. Like most here, mine were already born when we found out, so no decision made. ND people can have full and successful lives too.

My three dc are all neurodiverse. They do clash, especially ds1 and ds3. Fortunately we have enough bedrooms for them to have one each. Sharing simply wouldn’t work. It can be hard work but I don’t regret having three.

@tona79 I’m glad you don’t teach my children.

Do you feel the same about all diagnosis or just neurological disorders? It’s unusual to speak to an experienced teacher who measures her ability in “grades”. Even if you DID feel a letter on a piece of paper was a good indication of your teaching ability and that teaching ability was an alternative to years of medical training, you surely realise that your pupils must have been through a selection process before they got to your class. You are displaying a colossal level of ignorance.

I have 2 ND children although my first born was diagnosed later than my second. The younger years were particularly difficult. I would have liked a 3rd child later on but we knew/know that my second born would never cope with a baby/young child in the house so we made the decision not to. People have said to me it’s not up to my child, I should do what I want, but the happiness and well-being of the children I have matters a great deal to me

Oh ffs.

it’s beyond insulting when people turn up with the ‘we’re all on the spectrum’ bullshit.

or the ‘no one should be labelled’ nonsense.

no, you are not on anywhere near the same kind of spectrum as my eldest child. As I mentioned, it was clear by the time she was 7 months old that she was not developing typically. She was non-verbal until she was 6, and in nappies until she was 8. so just stop with the offensive crap.

I look back at my school days, and like another poster, can clearly remember children who would have benefitted from support rather than being labelled as a child who needs to ‘try harder’ or one who just didn’t fit in. My own brother would have benefitted from a diagnosis, rahhter than being written off, made to feel stupid, and ending up leaving school with no qualifications.

my dc have only benefitted from having been diagnosed. It took years in each case, and multiple appointments with several different doctors. It really isn’t easy to get, and certainly wouldn’t be handed out if it wasn’t merited.

We made the decision to have another baby (or try... and see what happens) when our autistic son was 8. He's now almost 10. It has thrown a grenade into his life I suppose and it has been really difficult. Our DS aged 8 is very profoundly disabled by his autism and co-morbid learning disabilities. It was probably selfish and maybe unwise to have another child when our existing child had and has such challenges, but we wanted to have another child. On the other hand, if we hadn't had our second son (he's 18mo, time will tell what challenges he may or may not have) then we'd still be in the same hard situation with our older son but without the joy the little one has brought to our lives - and that includes the life of our older son who loves his little brother lots in his own way. These decisions aren't easy and people will have their opinions, only you know what you can manage and what you want.