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Original poster

If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

221 replies

Motherofamonkey · 15/04/2023 22:39

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 16/04/2023 08:30

Boxin · 15/04/2023 23:13

This thread is incredibly uncomfortable.
I’m glad my parents had me (ND) after having my ND sibling. Sounds like a lot of the people on here think ND lives are worth less than their ideal child.

This isn’t what I understood from it. More that they didn’t want to make their lives or their dcs’ lives more difficult. My nephew is severely autistic and his parents want to give him all of their time and attention, hence the decision for no more kids.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 16/04/2023 08:35

There is 10 years between my two kids.

Simply put, I was barely coping, hanging by a thread day in day out with my first and all of their needs and challenges.

I knew that I would not cope with another and give every crumb of what was left to my first.

I was a walking corpse desperately trying to keep my head above the water.

My second… night and day compared to my first.

orangeflags · 16/04/2023 08:39

I can answer this on behalf of my parents who had a son with learning disabilities and autism. They had me because they wanted a younger child to become his carer when they died.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
SouthCountryGirl · 16/04/2023 08:40

orangeflags · 16/04/2023 08:39

I can answer this on behalf of my parents who had a son with learning disabilities and autism. They had me because they wanted a younger child to become his carer when they died.

What an awful expectation. What would happen if you, your partner or child was disabled and couldn't look after him?

eatdrinkandbemerry · 16/04/2023 08:41

My pregnancy was unplanned 🤷‍♀️
Would i have chosen to have another 🤔absolutely not.

Chateau13 · 16/04/2023 08:41

My son is now an adult and ND. People didn’t even really understand autism in those days but they knew there was something. I had so many appointments, therapy sessions that I didn’t have the energy for a third mainly because I felt number 1 child was suffering from lack of attention. Found out I was pregnant and made the decision to have a private termination but then spoke to my GP who said I met all the criteria to have a termination under NHS but later went on to miscarry. My relief was huge that the decision was made for me but I also knew immediately I could never have another child. A few years later at under 35 I was sterilised and never regretted it.

sparklefresh · 16/04/2023 08:42

I think it's completely sensible and rational for a parent or prospective parent to acknowledge that they may not be able to raise and care for a ND child. It's not about saying that ND children are 'worse' or 'less' than NT ones. That kind of thoughtful consideration should be applauded. Let's also not pretend that being the NT sibling of an ND child is all sunshine and roses.

OneFrenchEgg · 16/04/2023 08:43

If you read Singers reply location of her original 90s thesis, ND was only ever meant to be applied to people who would have been Asperger's or HFA diagnosed. I really hate the way it's become shorthand for anyone with autism in the same way I hate parents being told 'ask #actuallyautisitc' about anything as if a verbal Twitter user has any insight into life for their non verbal doubly incontinent five year old.

OneFrenchEgg · 16/04/2023 08:44

*republication not reply location !

Holly03 · 16/04/2023 08:46

I’ve always wanted at least 5 children and when my son was around 3 I was adamant because he has asd and adhd I probably wouldn’t have any more but then I had dd 3 years ago and I honestly couldn’t see lift without her, not just on my part but the sibling bond they share is so cute and such a blessing. I do think I will have number 3 this year but I think as a family we thrive so much better with lots of children. I don’t really have family support( mother likes the baby stage only sees the children twice a year only birthdays and Xmas and maybe Easter), father doesn’t bother since we moved but grandparent (great to the children) always comes round. I have siblings that I could go to for help but I think the lack of support makes me more sure about my situation because it’s based on whether our family could manage with another baby. For those saying a big age gap, it’s not always easier . I went for an 8 year age gap and struggled with her due to the fact that I was so out of routine and I was more exhausted the older my son got. Having a toddler and an ndc who doesn’t sleep is exhausting (awaiting adhd meds and melatonin) once he settles number 3 is definitely on the cards for us

GospelAccordingToMum · 16/04/2023 08:52

I had DC2 before DC1 got his autism diagnosis, although nursery was already concerned and had raised the A word.

I wanted more than one child very much and I suppose I was (perhaps naively) willing to take whatever issues would arise.

DS (DC1) was diagnosed with Autism & ADHD at 5 years old. It has been an extremely rocky road for him (although he is now a young adult and doing well), and if I’d have known how hard his childhood would be, I don’t know if I would have been so blasé about having another.

As it turned out, DS & DD have a good relationship and DD has mostly adapted really well to FS’s at times very complex needs. She is NT officially, but I see a lot of HFA/ ADHD traits in her. She has sailed through school, has friends, is a happy kid so we never pushed for a diagnosis for her.

I couldn’t have had a third, though. That became very clear once DS’s school years started and his needs became clear. I didn’t have the emotional energy. I think DD would have suffered, too, being sandwiched between a baby and a high needs older sibling.

Bunnyhair · 16/04/2023 08:52

I’ve got one ND child, and we are on our fucking knees just trying to get by. I can hardly work anymore, we have no childcare he can tolerate, he needs undivided attention 24/7, we live in fear of school refusal and will probably have to home educate at some point, which I am absolutely dreading, and which will probably mean the end of any of us ever leaving the house.

Our DS is intelligent and very charming and we love him to bits. He is also very demand avoidant, won’t bathe, will only eat apples, is utterly obsessive about his special interests and needs us doing them by his side all the time, is very controlling and can’t tolerate frustration, and is physically violent towards us when he’s anxious (which is a lot of the time). He masks at school, and most people assume he’s NT or ‘high functioning’ and wonder why we are struggling so much.

None of us would cope with another child in the house, of any neurotype. It would be a shitshow.

When I see other parents of ND children planning to have more kids I feel kind of terrified for them. They are often basing their ideas of what another ND child will be like on the ND child or children they already have - who may be placid and capable of independent play, or hugely energetic but mostly cheerful and willing to do things. But it’s not guaranteed that the next child will follow suit.

Bringing any new person into the world is a gamble. You have no idea who’s going to be joining your family. And with neurodiversity in the gene pool there is a much higher likelihood that the new person’s needs could outstrip the family resources - or that a more crowded house could make the home environment problematic for existing children in a way it wasn’t before, on a sensory level or in terms of the attention and space available.

I am thankful we only have the one we have. DH and I frequently think with horror how much more difficult life would have been raising our DS if we had had other kids to look after at the same time. We would be a total mess.

Thelittlekingdom · 16/04/2023 08:56

My 2nd and 3rd were close together. By the time we knew that our 2nd child was ND, I was already pregnant. We wanted 4 children but both 2nd and 3rd child are ND and it is incredibly hard. No one else in the family is diagnosed so it was a shock.

Holly03 · 16/04/2023 08:56

Bunnyhair · 16/04/2023 08:52

I’ve got one ND child, and we are on our fucking knees just trying to get by. I can hardly work anymore, we have no childcare he can tolerate, he needs undivided attention 24/7, we live in fear of school refusal and will probably have to home educate at some point, which I am absolutely dreading, and which will probably mean the end of any of us ever leaving the house.

Our DS is intelligent and very charming and we love him to bits. He is also very demand avoidant, won’t bathe, will only eat apples, is utterly obsessive about his special interests and needs us doing them by his side all the time, is very controlling and can’t tolerate frustration, and is physically violent towards us when he’s anxious (which is a lot of the time). He masks at school, and most people assume he’s NT or ‘high functioning’ and wonder why we are struggling so much.

None of us would cope with another child in the house, of any neurotype. It would be a shitshow.

When I see other parents of ND children planning to have more kids I feel kind of terrified for them. They are often basing their ideas of what another ND child will be like on the ND child or children they already have - who may be placid and capable of independent play, or hugely energetic but mostly cheerful and willing to do things. But it’s not guaranteed that the next child will follow suit.

Bringing any new person into the world is a gamble. You have no idea who’s going to be joining your family. And with neurodiversity in the gene pool there is a much higher likelihood that the new person’s needs could outstrip the family resources - or that a more crowded house could make the home environment problematic for existing children in a way it wasn’t before, on a sensory level or in terms of the attention and space available.

I am thankful we only have the one we have. DH and I frequently think with horror how much more difficult life would have been raising our DS if we had had other kids to look after at the same time. We would be a total mess.

Not gonna lie my dd who is neurotypical is harder then my son has asd and adhd. I honestly struggle more with her and find my son the easier child. Everyone’s shocked at that, but I feel because of his needs she wades in there demanding her share of attention (she is a toddler) but she has such a big personality. I also find her behaviour can be too much for my son at times and he prefers distance although he clearly loves and cherishes her. I honestly hope a 3rd with be more laidback

BrutusMcDogface · 16/04/2023 08:57

Bunnyhair · 16/04/2023 08:52

I’ve got one ND child, and we are on our fucking knees just trying to get by. I can hardly work anymore, we have no childcare he can tolerate, he needs undivided attention 24/7, we live in fear of school refusal and will probably have to home educate at some point, which I am absolutely dreading, and which will probably mean the end of any of us ever leaving the house.

Our DS is intelligent and very charming and we love him to bits. He is also very demand avoidant, won’t bathe, will only eat apples, is utterly obsessive about his special interests and needs us doing them by his side all the time, is very controlling and can’t tolerate frustration, and is physically violent towards us when he’s anxious (which is a lot of the time). He masks at school, and most people assume he’s NT or ‘high functioning’ and wonder why we are struggling so much.

None of us would cope with another child in the house, of any neurotype. It would be a shitshow.

When I see other parents of ND children planning to have more kids I feel kind of terrified for them. They are often basing their ideas of what another ND child will be like on the ND child or children they already have - who may be placid and capable of independent play, or hugely energetic but mostly cheerful and willing to do things. But it’s not guaranteed that the next child will follow suit.

Bringing any new person into the world is a gamble. You have no idea who’s going to be joining your family. And with neurodiversity in the gene pool there is a much higher likelihood that the new person’s needs could outstrip the family resources - or that a more crowded house could make the home environment problematic for existing children in a way it wasn’t before, on a sensory level or in terms of the attention and space available.

I am thankful we only have the one we have. DH and I frequently think with horror how much more difficult life would have been raising our DS if we had had other kids to look after at the same time. We would be a total mess.

I really feel for you. I work in special school and I have so much respect and compassion for the parents. Some of them have multiple nd children and they just don’t have the support they need.

Spendonsend · 16/04/2023 08:58

My childrens needs clash. One is very active and thrives in busy, social, noisy situations. The other struggles with all of those.
We divide and conquer. The social one gets taken out lots by one parent and relatives, whilst the one who struggles will stay home and do things he can manage.
Its fine. It would be nice to do more things together as family but it is possible to manage different needs if you have support.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 16/04/2023 09:01

I didn’t know he was ND when I had his siblings? Dc2 was diagnosed HF asd at 10, so not severely autistic. He doesn’t have an ehcp, attends a local secondary, has a good group of friends and is doing very well.

i do think if I had a child with very high needs, that required 24/7 care, and would never be able to live an independent life, then I wouldn’t have had any more, because you just couldn’t give a new baby the attention it needs and there is the worry that, like pp has stated, that they will just become the carer for their disabled sibling when parents are too old. That is obviously, just my feelings about my family, everyone is different and some wouldn’t have a second thought about having another child. Only you can know what right for you.

oh and as for the “labels” argument - I think they are great. I have a label, as does dc2 (asd) and dc3 (dyslexia) and since being given those “labels” they have clarity about themselves and why they struggle with certain things. Dc3 always felt frustrated that his work did not represent what went on in his head, but now he knows it’s because he’s dyslexic and his written work doesn’t actually represent his knowledge- and his teachers see that, he feels much more secure and happy in himself.

brooksidebackside · 16/04/2023 09:03

The common theme on every thread of a similar nature is that people view how having another potentially disabled child would affect them, not how it would affect the actual child. That's where my marker for having another would have been (we didn't know until we already had more, and further still I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD) but I never would have chosen another child had I seen how absolutely difficult the lives of my children are. That's not to say I regret the DC I have but I would never risk having another disabled child, for the child's benefit. I would in all likelihood cope fine, but I couldn't knowingly do that to another person.

JulieHoney · 16/04/2023 09:36

The title is uncomfortable, it implies ND people are a problem. That’s not necessarily the case at all. It’s a different way of processing.

DS1 has a diagnosis of what used to be called Asperger’s. The diagnosis helped him and us understand the source of some things he found difficult and how best to navigate them.

His individual needs didn’t give us any pause about having more children. Probably because he was our first and we didn’t know how he was wasn’t the ‘norm’. It was normal for us. The surprise was how easy the younger children were in comparison.

As to @tona79 - there’s no stigma in being neurodiverse. It’s not a label. It’s a useful diagnosis as you have a whole new toolset to work with to assist your child. DS1 has found it very helpful in understanding the differences between what he experiences and what others do.

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/04/2023 09:39

Possible ND and took us a while to realise this. Like anyone else, we want another. We don’t know how another will be. I suppose it’s worth the risk. It’s head vs heart isn’t it and how much you can cope.

Bunnyhair · 16/04/2023 09:45

brooksidebackside · 16/04/2023 09:03

The common theme on every thread of a similar nature is that people view how having another potentially disabled child would affect them, not how it would affect the actual child. That's where my marker for having another would have been (we didn't know until we already had more, and further still I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD) but I never would have chosen another child had I seen how absolutely difficult the lives of my children are. That's not to say I regret the DC I have but I would never risk having another disabled child, for the child's benefit. I would in all likelihood cope fine, but I couldn't knowingly do that to another person.

This is a really interesting perspective, when you consider how often an angsty teenager expresses a wish never to have been born. I guess we’re all brought into the world without consent or consultation, and without anyone knowing what our experience will be. The biological imperative to reproduce is a pretty senseless thing, really.

I would do anything to spare my DS his rage and anxiety and the bone-deep boredom and insatiable crawling-out-of-his-skin restlessness he often experiences. I also do feel that on balance there is so much he loves and enjoys about life. But then he’s young - we haven’t got to puberty and adolescence and all of that yet.

In all the talk about ND superpowers and autistic joy and the like, there’s not a lot of frank discussion about the difficulty, for the ND person, of being so dependent on others a lot of the time, or the experience of trying to navigate life when the things that make most people happy make you feel angry or terrified or unbearably disgusted or overwhelmed or deeply uncomfortable or so bored you want to crawl out of your skin. Which seems to be at the core of a lot of ND experience.

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/04/2023 09:47

@brooksidebackside I actually really want a sibling for DS as I think it would benefit him too

tvbed · 16/04/2023 09:50

I had 3 all close together in age- I didn't know they would all be ND (I didn't know I was either!).
I know I wouldn't have had a 3rd if I had had a bigger age gap and knew how much extra help, attention, planning etc they'd all need. I wouldn't have had a third as battling for 3x lots of assessments, 3x EHCPs and SEN provision is endless. I can't work, no holidays, no childcare or respite. I don't think it's bad to recognise that can be a reality. Obviously in so many ways I'm blessed I didn't realise and have no. 3 who is a joy.

Holly03 · 16/04/2023 09:52

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/04/2023 09:47

@brooksidebackside I actually really want a sibling for DS as I think it would benefit him too

My son benefitted loads however he does go off into his room when dd screams on (typical toddler girl) but he is also a pre teen so it’s hard to work out if this is because of his needs or his age and wanting more space sometimes. They have a great bond and I find he is so good with sharing with her, if he gets a sweet at school he will come out and give it to her. It shows his kind nature that bond he has with her and wanting to play with her with bubbles and cuddling her. She looks up to him and gets excited to see him. I think their relationship will always be strong and I don’t think she will be responsible for him. I also have a disabled adopted brother and none of my siblings or myself are left responsible for him, although we were relied on a lot when we were younger to entertain and help with him. This is a pattern im keen to not repeat with my own children

stargirl1701 · 16/04/2023 09:58

We didn't know DD1 was autistic when we planned DD2.

We would've liked to have 3 but we couldn't have met the needs of another autistic child which DC3 might've been.