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Original poster

If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

221 replies

Motherofamonkey · 15/04/2023 22:39

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

OP posts:
Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:07

Given my own experience- I wouldn't wish a ND sibling on anyone.

I think it's delusional to assume the sibling relationships between ND and NT will be all sunshine and rainbows. The NT children will never have the time and attention that their ND sibling demands and in adulthood they will possibly miss out in relation to their relationship with their parents if they are still full time caring for their sibling. It may also impact the future children in regards to relationships and access to their grandparents.

Regardless of the countless replies I will get insisting that having a ND sibling was the absolute best thing ever for existing or subsequent children- it isn't. It will smash's be a struggle and I the children didn't choose that so should bare zero responsibility.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 19:14

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:07

Given my own experience- I wouldn't wish a ND sibling on anyone.

I think it's delusional to assume the sibling relationships between ND and NT will be all sunshine and rainbows. The NT children will never have the time and attention that their ND sibling demands and in adulthood they will possibly miss out in relation to their relationship with their parents if they are still full time caring for their sibling. It may also impact the future children in regards to relationships and access to their grandparents.

Regardless of the countless replies I will get insisting that having a ND sibling was the absolute best thing ever for existing or subsequent children- it isn't. It will smash's be a struggle and I the children didn't choose that so should bare zero responsibility.

It's delusional to think relationships between ND and non ND siblings don't run the gamut between brilliant and terrible, just like between ND/ND and NT/NT.

We're just people. Why is everyone here assuming that "ND" means a hard life or a struggle? Sure it means that for some people, and not at all for others. ND covers a HUGE range of things, it's absolutely insane the assumptions people here are making.

AllOfThemWitches · 17/04/2023 19:33

I think it's delusional to assume the sibling relationships between ND and NT will be all sunshine and rainbows. The NT children will never have the time and attention that their ND sibling demands and in adulthood they will possibly miss out in relation to their relationship with their parents if they are still full time caring for their sibling. It may also impact the future children in regards to relationships and access to their grandparents.

Oh stop guilt tripping parents for having disabled children ffs. Your experience isn't universal. Yeah life with a ND sibling can be different, that doesn't have to mean it's a life of misery. 🙄

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:45

AllOfThemWitches · 17/04/2023 19:33

I think it's delusional to assume the sibling relationships between ND and NT will be all sunshine and rainbows. The NT children will never have the time and attention that their ND sibling demands and in adulthood they will possibly miss out in relation to their relationship with their parents if they are still full time caring for their sibling. It may also impact the future children in regards to relationships and access to their grandparents.

Oh stop guilt tripping parents for having disabled children ffs. Your experience isn't universal. Yeah life with a ND sibling can be different, that doesn't have to mean it's a life of misery. 🙄

Choosing to continue to have children when you either have a ND existing child or have had a second ND child is selfish. There is very little consideration it seems for the quality of life for the NT, existing children.
So if someone feels guilty for having more children that's on them.

Of course there is a varied range of relationships and experiences with the siblings of ND children but often it really isn't conducive to an existing NT child having the best life possible and having a fair and good quality share of their parents.

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:47

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time. Perhaps as small children the siblings are all happy enough but as they grow and mature often it becomes very difficult for the NT children to cope with.

I have had more than one child tell me that they feel their sibling is 'a burden' and is very resentful about their needs often being second best to their sibling.

OneFrenchEgg · 17/04/2023 19:52

This is why ND is such a pointless term. Everyone uses it for ASC whereas the 'movement' means HFA (old term) dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD etc etc

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:14

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:47

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time. Perhaps as small children the siblings are all happy enough but as they grow and mature often it becomes very difficult for the NT children to cope with.

I have had more than one child tell me that they feel their sibling is 'a burden' and is very resentful about their needs often being second best to their sibling.

You work in this area, and yet you are lumping in all ND children into one group, that is seen as a burden to others?

I do hope you have changed jobs.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:15

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:45

Choosing to continue to have children when you either have a ND existing child or have had a second ND child is selfish. There is very little consideration it seems for the quality of life for the NT, existing children.
So if someone feels guilty for having more children that's on them.

Of course there is a varied range of relationships and experiences with the siblings of ND children but often it really isn't conducive to an existing NT child having the best life possible and having a fair and good quality share of their parents.

Show quote history

What the fucking fuck? To have an ND sibling is so bad that its better not to exist at all?

What is actually WRONG with some of you? This is the most offensive thread I have seen in ages.

Lovethetub · 17/04/2023 20:17

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:47

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time. Perhaps as small children the siblings are all happy enough but as they grow and mature often it becomes very difficult for the NT children to cope with.

I have had more than one child tell me that they feel their sibling is 'a burden' and is very resentful about their needs often being second best to their sibling.

You may have worked with families for a long time however that does not give you the insight of many, many more families who do have a good balance. All children, whether ND or NT, have their own needs and sometimes one will take the focus from another. This doesn’t mean it happens and doesn’t mean that the family unit, nor the children, suffer because of this. How about when hormones hit and all of a sudden a surly teen is taking the attention away from the other children? Or what about when a child is going through the tantrum stage and takes more attention?

I think it’s ignorant to say that you wouldn’t wish an ND sibling on anyone. You are voicing your own insecurities and your own history. Yes, it may be the case that some children resent their siblings but the crucial word there is ‘some’. You are also presuming that all ND people are the same and require the same level of care. I would honestly question if you were working with my family with that attitude as it really isn’t beneficial to anyone.

TeamRR · 17/04/2023 20:21

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:47

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time. Perhaps as small children the siblings are all happy enough but as they grow and mature often it becomes very difficult for the NT children to cope with.

I have had more than one child tell me that they feel their sibling is 'a burden' and is very resentful about their needs often being second best to their sibling.

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time.

Ireally hope this isn't true.

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:30

Why are posters so dearest on insisting that ND children are the best thing possible for other children in the family? Guilt? Trying to justify the difficulties with your existing children by saying how wonderful and easy their relationship is?

It seems that many people are unable to think realistically. It's a shame because this is how some children end up becoming angry teenagers and resentful adults - because they've never been a priority and have always come second to the higher needs child.

So strange that there is a refusal to even admit there may be difficulties for the other. Children in the family. There must be a huge level of denial as self protection from guilt/regret

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:34

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:30

Why are posters so dearest on insisting that ND children are the best thing possible for other children in the family? Guilt? Trying to justify the difficulties with your existing children by saying how wonderful and easy their relationship is?

It seems that many people are unable to think realistically. It's a shame because this is how some children end up becoming angry teenagers and resentful adults - because they've never been a priority and have always come second to the higher needs child.

So strange that there is a refusal to even admit there may be difficulties for the other. Children in the family. There must be a huge level of denial as self protection from guilt/regret

Nobody has done that.

The point is that ND people are just like NT people. Some of us are awful siblings, some of us are a lot of work, some of us are a burden, some us are a fucking nightmare, some of us are easy, some of us improve the lives of others, some of us contribute to family life, etc etc. In fact, just like NT people, we often do all of these and more during our lives.

An ND child could be the hardest child ever that ruins your family life. An NT child could be that too. An ND child could be a fucking rainbow that shits glitter too (metaphorically speaking) just like an NT child.

What are you not getting here?

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:34

My job is to support children who have behavioural problems and mental health issues. A common denominator is that there is a ND sibling. I'm sorry I if that is something posters would like to sweep under the carpet and deny but that doesn't negate the fact it is a very real issue.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:36

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:34

My job is to support children who have behavioural problems and mental health issues. A common denominator is that there is a ND sibling. I'm sorry I if that is something posters would like to sweep under the carpet and deny but that doesn't negate the fact it is a very real issue.

If they have behavioural problems and mental health issues, its fairly likely they are ND. If not, its entirely possible for them to be prone to such things.
OR its entirely possible that an ND sibling or parent caused the issues. OR indeed an NT sibling or parent.

Being ND does not mean you automatically a huge burden that ruins the life of everyone around you.

AnorLondo · 17/04/2023 20:37

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:34

My job is to support children who have behavioural problems and mental health issues. A common denominator is that there is a ND sibling. I'm sorry I if that is something posters would like to sweep under the carpet and deny but that doesn't negate the fact it is a very real issue.

And if these children you're "supporting" are also ND? Do you tell them that you think they've ruined their siblings lives? That there parents should never have had them?

You're right about one thing. You are definitely a resentful adult.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:42

also don't forget that you're not meeting all the kids who have ND siblings and have no issues at all.

Your attitude is like a divorce lawyer thinking that marriage makes everyone miserable because they only meet the married people breaking up!

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:43

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:42

also don't forget that you're not meeting all the kids who have ND siblings and have no issues at all.

Your attitude is like a divorce lawyer thinking that marriage makes everyone miserable because they only meet the married people breaking up!

The siblings are NT and didn't choose to sign up for a life of being second best to their sibling and often being expected to provide care for them in the future.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:45

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:43

The siblings are NT and didn't choose to sign up for a life of being second best to their sibling and often being expected to provide care for them in the future.

Show quote history

Wow, did you miss the point of the post.

You can't tell if they are ND or not. And what the fuck do you mean by second best? Thats so offensive to parents. Not to mention many ND people have no need of care at all.....

You must be really really bad at your job.

Lovethetub · 17/04/2023 20:59

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:34

Nobody has done that.

The point is that ND people are just like NT people. Some of us are awful siblings, some of us are a lot of work, some of us are a burden, some us are a fucking nightmare, some of us are easy, some of us improve the lives of others, some of us contribute to family life, etc etc. In fact, just like NT people, we often do all of these and more during our lives.

An ND child could be the hardest child ever that ruins your family life. An NT child could be that too. An ND child could be a fucking rainbow that shits glitter too (metaphorically speaking) just like an NT child.

What are you not getting here?

Show quote history

This!

Lovethetub · 17/04/2023 21:02

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:30

Why are posters so dearest on insisting that ND children are the best thing possible for other children in the family? Guilt? Trying to justify the difficulties with your existing children by saying how wonderful and easy their relationship is?

It seems that many people are unable to think realistically. It's a shame because this is how some children end up becoming angry teenagers and resentful adults - because they've never been a priority and have always come second to the higher needs child.

So strange that there is a refusal to even admit there may be difficulties for the other. Children in the family. There must be a huge level of denial as self protection from guilt/regret

I’m more than a little concerned that someone so damaging as yourself is actually working with vulnerable children. I shudder at the thought of how much damage you do with your sheer ignorance. Perhaps, with such a troublesome history and lack of empathy, you should look for work in a completely different field. Your ableist attitude is honestly shocking

AllOfThemWitches · 17/04/2023 21:09

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 20:30

Why are posters so dearest on insisting that ND children are the best thing possible for other children in the family? Guilt? Trying to justify the difficulties with your existing children by saying how wonderful and easy their relationship is?

It seems that many people are unable to think realistically. It's a shame because this is how some children end up becoming angry teenagers and resentful adults - because they've never been a priority and have always come second to the higher needs child.

So strange that there is a refusal to even admit there may be difficulties for the other. Children in the family. There must be a huge level of denial as self protection from guilt/regret

Oof do you not like it when people use their own personal experiences to explain to you that you are not necessarily right?

AllOfThemWitches · 17/04/2023 21:13

Also, parents of ND and NT children, from what I've seen, are hyper aware of the need to make time for their NT children, ensure their emotional needs are being met, etc. Christ, I've met plenty of very troubled kids without disabled siblings.

Chateau13 · 17/04/2023 23:18

Chasingadvice · 17/04/2023 19:47

I have worked with families with ND children for a very long time. Perhaps as small children the siblings are all happy enough but as they grow and mature often it becomes very difficult for the NT children to cope with.

I have had more than one child tell me that they feel their sibling is 'a burden' and is very resentful about their needs often being second best to their sibling.

My D would agree with every word you’ve said. Her sibling is a burden for the future whether we want that to be the case or not she feels they are.

Bunnyhair · 18/04/2023 00:11

Totally random thought here, but it just occurred to me then anyone who is considering having further children presumably has enough time, energy and opportunity to have sex.

I mean, if you’ve got 1 or more ND kids and sex is still on the cards for you in any way, shape, or form then I can only conclude either (a) you have childcare in place to enable you ever to be awake and alone in the same room as your partner - which has not happened for us in over seven years (b) your DC’s support needs are pretty manageable and/or they sleep now and again (c) you are made of considerably sterner stuff than me and my DH whose physical health lies in tatters, and who vacillate between never wanting anyone to touch us ever again, and wanting to puke with sheer exhaustion.

So I salute any of you for whom sex is still a thing.

piratypotato · 18/04/2023 00:39

as I keep trying to get across, ND does not need to mean significant care needs,

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