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Original poster

Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

211 replies

WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 19:55

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

OP posts:
craycrayfish · 05/03/2023 19:59

I think you're both entitled to have grieved and found comfort in your own way.

You can't stop her from thinking of your daughter as your rainbow baby because that makes sense to her (and isn't meant unkindly), but she should respect your wishes and not use the term around you or your family.

Equally, it would be kind for you to use the term in relation to her daughter, as that's what makes sense to her in her own situation.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I understand why she snapped. I would hope having calmed down, she would apologise. I don't think you have anything to apologise for, though.

Bluepuffa · 05/03/2023 19:59

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I think it is she who owes you the apology. You have no objection to her using the term to refer to her own child but you made clear you didn’t want it used in relation to your own (and I’m of the same view as you). I would withdraw for now

LolaSmiles · 05/03/2023 20:00

Your friend ought to understand that families who have lost a child will have their own way of grieving and coping.

In my opinion it's understandable that you're upset by her continuous use of a term that you've already said you don't wish to use for your children and late child. It's disrespectful for her to continue using it, and you'd never have had to spell out your reasons had she respected your position in the first place.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 05/03/2023 20:01

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

I don't think either of you are wrong. It's an incredibly difficult and sensitive situation and it isn't surprising that the language you are each using might be hard to navigate.

Perhaps you could offer rapprochement along the lines of being sorry she was upset rather being sorry for your very valid position on this.

GingleAllTheWay2022 · 05/03/2023 20:01

I feel exactly the same as you. I dont refer to my DS as a rainbow and I wouldn't want others to either. He's simply my son and not connected to any losses. If other people find it comforting for them and their family then that's totally fine but I would expect people to respect my wishes about my own child.

Isahlo · 05/03/2023 20:03

Your friend was disrespectful to you and your choice. She can call her kids whatever she wants but so can you.
she is the one who owns you an apology

museumum · 05/03/2023 20:03

I think it makes more sense as a term “rainbow baby” during pregnancy and the newborn stage but like you, once the child is their own individual self it feels wrong to always identify them primarily in relation to a sibling or a sad event (that siblings death).

Isahlo · 05/03/2023 20:03

owes even

SpideyCraw · 05/03/2023 20:03

Sorry for your loss.

It is absolutely a matter for you and not her how your daughter is referred to. As you say, she can refer to her child as she wishes and you should respect that, but she needs to respect your wishes in turn. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Sleeptightnightlight · 05/03/2023 20:03

I agree with you. I have two children with a loss in the middle and the second isn't somehow more magical rainbowy because of things that happened before they were born. I feel like the term maybe has relevance during pregnancy or if your taking about the parents state of mind, but attaching that to the child feels wrong.

Everyone deals with stuff differently so I'd have no problem with anyone thinking of their own children in whichever way they want but it's not for me and I would also have to say something if someone wouldn't let it drop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2023 20:03

Isahlo · 05/03/2023 20:03

Your friend was disrespectful to you and your choice. She can call her kids whatever she wants but so can you.
she is the one who owns you an apology

This. She was massively insensitive.

StaceyMeloni · 05/03/2023 20:04

Your friend was insensitive and disrespectful.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2023 20:05

Your child is 15 and your friend insists on referring to her as 'your rainbow baby' rather than by her name. That would majorly irritate me. I feel sorry for her child too that she's referred to as such.

TreesAtSea · 05/03/2023 20:07

Isahlo · 05/03/2023 20:03

Your friend was disrespectful to you and your choice. She can call her kids whatever she wants but so can you.
she is the one who owns you an apology

Agreed

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 20:07

YANBU, I also dislike the term tbh.

Your friend was rude and I wouldn't be apologising at all.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/03/2023 20:07

I think she was exceptionally rude and insensitive and I wouldn't be making sny effort to contact her.

rosiebl · 05/03/2023 20:08

You definitely do not owe your friend an apology. She was very disrespectful to your family. I would send her a text, reminding her of what happened and why you dislike the use of the words 'rainbow baby' in relation to your youngest dd, and say that if she is unable to respect this very clear boundary, she's not welcome in your home.

Flittingaboutagain · 05/03/2023 20:08

I didn't read the part after the warning because I refer to my firstborn as my rainbow baby in private conversation with a few people not widely. But I just wanted to comment that it's not on for anyone else to tell you that you must call your DD a rainbow baby. I also thank you for posting so sensitivity about this topic.

Reinventinganna · 05/03/2023 20:08

Your friend was insensitive. You told her why you don’t like it. She chose to be offended.

You don’t have to agree but you do need to respect each other’s feelings. She didn’t.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Saschka · 05/03/2023 20:10

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2023 20:05

Your child is 15 and your friend insists on referring to her as 'your rainbow baby' rather than by her name. That would majorly irritate me. I feel sorry for her child too that she's referred to as such.

Agree with this - DS was my fifth pregnancy and only live birth. He is now 6, he is definitely not my “rainbow baby” (and tbh I was so anxious during his pregnancy I wasn’t really able to think of him as one them either). He is his own person, and I would be immensely pissed off if somebody kept bringing up my previous losses now when they refer to him.

Add that to “contact me when you have had time to think about what you have done and are ready to apologise”, like you are a naughty child, and I’ll be blocking this “friend”.

Original poster
WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:11

I definitely don't have a problem with her thinking of her child as a rainbow baby, after a loss we do what we can to get through it in the best way we can.

I've never referred to her child as a rainbow baby either, it's not something I really say, I just use names usually, and when talking to other bereaved parents who's losses were later on I usually say brother or sister if I needed to refer to their baby for any reason, I'll take my lead from the parent usually.

I would never had explained anything to her had she not pushed it, I would never make another woman feel bad after a loss, but there were a couple of comments that I took as her meaning she felt her loss more deeply than I did because she used that term and needed it acknowledged with her 1yo.

I was also worried about upsetting my dd as we have had the discussion a couple of times when the term first started getting widely used, and I didn't want to make her feel inferior in any way, so I was angry she said it in front of dd after being asked not to.

I don't think it started off as her trying to be insensitive, but I do feel that's where it ended up.

So sorry for others who have been through this, it's really shit, and so difficult to navigate some things even after many years.

OP posts:
Skiphopbump · 05/03/2023 20:11

You told her you didn’t like so she should have stopped. Very bizarre to refer to your DD as a rainbow baby when she’s 15!

I’ve had late miscarriages but never referred to any of my children as rainbow babies, maybe it wasn’t a thing when my eldest was born 21 years ago. Anyhow I dislike the term as my children aren’t defined by any pregnancy that came before them.

Everyonesinvited · 05/03/2023 20:13

I'm with you.

Aria2015 · 05/03/2023 20:13

Your friend was in the wrong here. She should have just accepted you view things differently in regards the use of the term 'rainbow baby' and respected that. She's welcome to continue to call her own child what she likes, but not sure why any decent friend would push the term onto someone who doesn't like it used for their child / children.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 05/03/2023 20:14

I also think she owes you the apology.

You were polite and repeatedly asked her not to do something. She pushed you to explain your stance, which you eventually did entirely in terms of you and your DD only, she then took offence at the situation she had engineered.

None of this was your fault and she was insensitive and rude.