Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

211 replies

WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 19:55

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

OP posts:
Kranke · 05/03/2023 20:15

I completely agree with you. I’ve had 5 losses and my 2yr (who came at the end of them) is not a rainbow baby, they’re them. You friend can call it what she wants in her life, and even think it, but to use that when your child has a name is disrespectful. It’s like saying you prefer to be called your full name and people use the nickname. Once is a slip, twice is forgetful, but after that it’s disrespectful.

pinkfondu · 05/03/2023 20:15

Op I agree with you and would never use that term for my child born after loss. They are not a replacement/to be overshadowed and neither is my elder child any less important as they were born before a loss.

She can use whatever term for her family she chooses just as you can. No one can impose on another though.

WiIson · 05/03/2023 20:15

She needs to apologise to you.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/03/2023 20:16

Neither of you are wrong
regarding the term, how you grieve and refer to subsequent children is personal. I’m sorry for both your losses. She was in the wrong to continue to argue, however, she needs to respect that you don’t use the term. Hopefully you can sort it out once things calm down.

ImAvingOops · 05/03/2023 20:16

You asked her not to use the term to describe your own daughter and she did it anyway - she owes you the apology! You explained your reasoning and she disregarded it as if your opinion on your own children had no validity. She was rude and insensitive.
Everyone has a right to think of their own family in the terms that suit them best. She doesn't have to agree with you but she does have to respect your right to decide how to refer to your own children.

Saschka · 05/03/2023 20:17

It’s also essentially reminding you your older child died in the middle of random normal conversations.

So you are talking about DD’s GCSE options, or friend drama, or shopping trip, and your friend piped up “remember she’s a rainbow baby because your older child is dead!” Fifteen years later. Seriously, your friend is so unreasonable here. It is batshit.

Aftjbtibg · 05/03/2023 20:18

Both of your points of view and opinions are valid; you had asked her not to call your child it and she should have respected that. She must have realised that you had different feelings about that term and that if she carried on she might hear something she didn’t like

Suzi888 · 05/03/2023 20:19

I haven’t heard the term. I’ve never lost a child and I’m sorry for your loss. I think you should each refer to your losses in the preferred term- neither of you are wrong. But if you prefer a name be used, your child’s actual name and she prefers the term rainbow child - you should both stick to each others preferences.

Original poster
WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:19

I'm not sure why she was so insistent, she wasn't like this before she had her child, she just called dd by her name or a nickname she has, she has said it about dd maybe 3 or 4 times this past year but I've gently corrected her and it has been fine.

Today was totally different though, and I'm not sure why.

I get my choices may have felt like a dig at her maybe, but all she had to do was use dds name and it wouldn't have been mentioned again.

I could even understand if dd was a baby and she slipped up, but she's known her for years and wasn't even around when my oldest was born.

I'm racking my brains trying to remember if it was maybe an anniversary or something for her, but I'm sure she has never mentioned a date. It was my oldest dds birthday a couple of weeks ago, which was mentioned in passing but I don't know why that would spark something.

Thank you for your views, I just needed to know if I had missed something or inadvertently said something horrific, I was very careful to state that I was just talking about my family, and what I'm comfortable with though.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 05/03/2023 20:19

I think there is a big difference between losing a child and suffering a late miscarriage which maybe your friend is in denial about. A miscarried child isn't one that you ever get to know, with a personality. So many people who then go on to have a live child kind of feel that this new one is in a sense the same child, who's finally come into the world after a painful first start. To me that's what the term rainbow baby kind of means - the long awaited baby. The situation of having a living child die is completely different and I think it's very natural for you not to want to connect your second child's very existence with a sibling they never knew.

I've also mainly heard the term rainbow baby, or possibly applied to a young child. I've never heard anyone use it for a teenage (except when taking about their birth maybe)

DinaofCloud9 · 05/03/2023 20:19

Your friend is bloody rude and owes you an apology. Don't know why people are saying neither of you are wrong. She is in the wrong.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/03/2023 20:20

I can't even imagine how you would use that term about a 15 year old. " how is your rainbow baby getting on with gcses?"
She is SO wrong.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 05/03/2023 20:22

Yanbu.

darjeelingrose · 05/03/2023 20:23

She owes you a massive, massive apology. She does not get to chose to use this term for your baby. I feel exactly the same as you do, there is no way in the world that it is ok to force this term on another parent. She is in the wrong, she does not have the monopoly on grief and how to grieve. Personally I would no longer see somebody who insisted on these terms.

Impatientwino · 05/03/2023 20:23

You certainly don't have anything to apologise for. Her behaviour is a reflection on how she feels about her own situation and she is trying to impose that on you.

I lost my second son 7 years ago - stillbirth at 39 weeks. I had my third son 5 years ago.

I now volunteer as a befriender for SANDS so I meet a lot of bereaved parents. We all handle loss differently and some people seem to be uncomfortable when other people behave differently, express feelings they don't recognise or use different terminology. I think they forget having the same or similar experience doesn't make us a carbon copy of each other.

I always find it useful to start a sentence 'For me' at the meetings we run to try and remind people (without saying it) that our experiences and feelings are unique.

I'm sorry that you lost your daughter Flowers and I'm sorry your friend was not respectful to her despite you asking her to be.

For me, I found one of the hardest things about losing my son was dealing with other people.

MrsXx4 · 05/03/2023 20:28

It’s completely personal choice and how each person wants to define the term. Everyone grieves differently and everyone finds comfort in different things.

However, I think that once you’d asked your friend that you’d prefer she calls your daughter by her name, that should have been respected and she is wrong to take offence to that. She should respect the way you deal with grief just as you do her ways.

for what it’s worth I am with you. My baby was stillborn and I am currently pregnant again and we will not be using the term ‘rainbow baby’. It suggests to me that this baby will make things better, replace our daughter who died and that she brought us darkness and rain clouds. We do not feel that about our baby girl, she brought us nothing but deep deep love and taught us so much about ourselves. And this baby I am carrying now is just as much a wanted baby but will never replace her special spot in our lives. I have had to ask a few people to refrain from calling this baby ‘my rainbow’. It can be awkward sometimes as I know people mean well, but it’s important to me to protect myself and not put up with a term I personally cannot relate to. X

Original poster
WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:28

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/03/2023 20:20

I can't even imagine how you would use that term about a 15 year old. " how is your rainbow baby getting on with gcses?"
She is SO wrong.

She directly called dd "Mummys little rainbow baby", then a couple of times we were speaking about general kids stuff and she called her my "little rainbow child", then she mentioned something I did for my oldest birthday and said "I bet it was such a comfort to have your rainbow there".

This isn't a nickname or a common pet name she uses, she was directly referring to my older dd being and my younger dd being born after.

It's all so odd and I don't really get why she was so adamant today.

Just to reiterate for a couple of comments - I would never say anything about her using the term for her child, I wouldn't even think it, I don't think she is wrong for finding comfort in using the term for her child/family. I don't personally like it for my daughter, its not comfortable for me, and I dislike it for my family only. She is free to say it about her baby, and she does, no judgement, I just asked her to stop saying it about my daughter.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 05/03/2023 20:29

Contact her and tell her "I'm sorry you chose not to respect my wishes and I don't feel we are compatible with being friends anymore" then block/remove them honestly I have no time for the fools who refuse to respect your wishes then actively CHOOSE to be offended by your boundaries

Vegansausagevole · 05/03/2023 20:31

I would worry about her child growing up always being referred to as her rainbow baby even when they are 15. Does any older child / teenager need to be constantly reminded that they might not even be here if their older sibling had lived? I don’t have personal experience but my SIL had a full term still born first baby and never referred to any of her 3 younger kids as rainbow babies.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/03/2023 20:31

Oh my goodness.
I woud really distance myself from her I thin k.

StClare101 · 05/03/2023 20:32

She owes you an apology. I wouldn’t contact her until you get one.

CobraChicken · 05/03/2023 20:32

Isahlo · 05/03/2023 20:03

Your friend was disrespectful to you and your choice. She can call her kids whatever she wants but so can you.
she is the one who owns you an apology

^ This. Your friend has been massively insensitive. The only person who owes anyone an apology is her.

user143677434 · 05/03/2023 20:33

WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:28

She directly called dd "Mummys little rainbow baby", then a couple of times we were speaking about general kids stuff and she called her my "little rainbow child", then she mentioned something I did for my oldest birthday and said "I bet it was such a comfort to have your rainbow there".

This isn't a nickname or a common pet name she uses, she was directly referring to my older dd being and my younger dd being born after.

It's all so odd and I don't really get why she was so adamant today.

Just to reiterate for a couple of comments - I would never say anything about her using the term for her child, I wouldn't even think it, I don't think she is wrong for finding comfort in using the term for her child/family. I don't personally like it for my daughter, its not comfortable for me, and I dislike it for my family only. She is free to say it about her baby, and she does, no judgement, I just asked her to stop saying it about my daughter.

Show quote history

Hang on … she is actually using the term to your child? So in normal everyday conversation she is comparing your DD to her dead sibling?

That’s so far out of line! Words fail me.

saraclara · 05/03/2023 20:34

I very much dislike the term, especially when it's used in the child's presence. I think it's terrible to attach the weight of a lost sibling onto a small child.

The child following a loss is their own person. Their own self. They should not be constantly viewed with the spectre of a sibling they never knew on their shoulder. It's SO psychologically damaging for them.
In a decade or so we're going to see teens and adults in therapy because of parents like your friend.
I'd love the term to disappear.

But whatever I think, you have told her your wishes and she's being entirely unreasonable (and frankly very irrational) in ignoring that.
She actually sounds quite unwell. Referring to a 15 year old as 'rainbow baby' instead of the name that she's always called him before, is quite disturbing.

Wantanytoastwiththat · 05/03/2023 20:34

When I lost my DS 13 years ago I was lucky to have another DS 18 months after he died. I did call him my rainbow baby because for me it meant having a little bit of happiness back after such a devastating time. It Does not mean my DS that died is replaced or my younger DS who was born takes his place. It meant another little one to love and cherish. Losing my DS changed me forever. I don't take anything for granted, I dont dwell on the small things and I can cope with no sleep when my DC's were small. I remember watching crap TV at 3am in the morning, so knackered but I cherished those moments. The only thing, even now..when they are sick I am a worrier. I think something awful will happen. I had a perfect pregnancy and Losing my DS was a shock, devastating.
My DC's are older and in a perfect world, I would of had all my DC's with me. We never forget him, as he is my DS but I needed to be a mother to the DC's I had as they needed me.
I am sorry for your lost OP.