Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

[WasIInsensitive]

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

I don’t think that’s true. You can call your own child whatever you like, but don’t force others to accept that term for their child if they don’t feel the same way. It’s not a universally recognised term and has different feelings for people.

If you called your child Anna and your friend did for 15yrs of their life, then the friend started to refer to the nearly adult child as Claire, or the rainbow baby, or anything else that wasn’t her name, wouldn’t you be annoyed?

That is awful.

You were soooooo much more polite, kind and forgiving to your “friend” than I would have been. She is so much in the wrong.

I don't like the term rainbow baby either. Your friend was the insensitive one here. You told her not to use it with regard to you but she did.

I've been going over every conversation we have had recently trying to remember if she has told me any dates or divulged anything about being upset or anything out of the ordinary. I just can't think of any reason as to why she has been like this today.

I've been there for her when she has been upset, we've talked about her experience of loss a few times, not really mine tbh as she finds it quite upsetting so she doesn't fully know all the details, but my dds photos are dotted about the place and her name is used rather than hushed away.

My dd knows all about her sister, she is comfortable asking about her and talking about her if she needs to, she has known about her always in age appropriate ways so dd is fine.

I'm swaying between angry and a bit worried at the minute, it's pretty out of character, but, if I'm truthful, she has upset me so much today I don't know if I can be the one to see if she needs support with anything right now. I don't have the emotional capacity for it.

I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. Everyone grieves differently and finds different things helpful or unhelpful. She should have stopped referring to your daughter as your “rainbow baby” as soon as you told her you didn’t like it. It was unfair for her to continue. Of course it’s fine for her to use whatever terms she finds comforting for herself.

It is essentially shouting “don’t forget your other child is DEAD!” every time she sees your DD. It is appalling, grossly offensive behaviour, especially when your DD is 15.

@WasIInsensitive No, I don't think you were remotely insensitive.

Your second daughter is absolutely a person in her own right, and I find the term ''Rainbow'' bizarre, as it's like saying the first child was ''Rain''.

MIL lost two babies to Pre~eclampsia {One soon after she was born} and MIL and FIL never referred to DH as ''Rainbow''.

Their Daughters are Honoured, but DH was not in any was compared to them.

{When I first heard the name ''Rainbow'' Baby, I assumed it to be a baby born to Gay or Lesbian parents by donor or surrogate!}

I agree, I would distance and if she asks explain why. If you are seriously worried, I would get in contact with her husband/partner and say you’re concerned about her. Then you have done all you can, but you can’t let it disrupt yours and your teenager’s life.

YANBU.

I totally agree with you; I don't like the term either because I don't like the idea of my first DC being 'rain', or the idea of my second DC being primarily defined by their sibling's death, which happened before they were born, when they are their own person.

Your friend can use whatever terms she wants for her own experiences. She should respect your wishes about how she refers to your family.

Yes

We all grieve in different ways BUT I got pg with my DD literally 1 week after a mmc at 12 weeks. She doesn’t know and I don’t refer to her as anything other than herself.
Anyone else can refer to their child however they want but I would not be happy if they described DD in that way, especially after I asked them not to.

I think it's a horrid term, and I'd be quite vocal if someone used it about any of my children (my 2nd was stillborn).

My children are all unique, loved and wanted in their own rights. Not because they were replacements.

She sounds incredibly strange to be using a term like that in every day conversation, every time she talks to your child.

I find it weird she was referring to a 15yo as a rainbow and not her name. Was this general conversation or specifically talking about bereavement?

You weren't wrong but sometimes when we are annoyed we can say things in the wrong way or not how we meant, if this was the case I would apologise for the way I spoke but explain its because I don't like my daughter called that and she was ignoring my wishes.

Your friend can call their child whatever they want and if they find peace in the term rainbow baby then amazing and equally your daughter is who she is 💖 you have both suffered loss and it would be a shame to fall out over it!

She should have stopped calling your dd that after you asked her not to, end of story.

Just seen your update OP and firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your oldest daughter. I’m also sorry your friend is acting so insensitively towards you and your daughter. Get some distance from her! She’s being hugely disrespectful and it is completely unacceptable that she is constantly bringing up something that is of course hugely upsetting for you. Both your daughters were valued and were their own people.

As her own child is only one-years-old, could she be struggling a bit from that? Untreated PND maybe? It is bizarre to suddenly be obsessing over loss/rainbow babies. I would be concerned there is something going on with your friend. But, no, you don't owe her an apology for not wanting her to use that term about your daughter.

No one I know calls an actual person rainbow x. Plus even if it was common you’ve said you’re not comfortable with it and your daughter has a perfectly good name.

As a 15 year old I think I would have hated this, it could be psychologically damaging to go through life thinking you’re some kind of second best consolation prize.

I think I would have one more go at calmly explaining your views and why whilst you have no problem with her choices you have to insist she doesn’t use that term for your DD (ideally in person). If she doesn’t accept it then she was never a real friend.

all opinions are welcome

I don't have skin in the game, I never miscarried or lost a child and that will mean my opinion has zero value according to many. Thus IRL I keep my mouth shut but ... tbh, I quite don't like the term RB. it goes against many of my instincts to have this phrase be widely used how it is used.

It does sound like the friend was rather imposing the term on OP. And that imposition was quite unreasonable. I hope you can reconcile, OP.

ps: just thinking about an aquaintence, all her 4 kids are "RBs". She'd scoff & think the term was um... not her choice of what to call her kids.

Agree with this.
It's a horrible and offensive term IMO.
why is one baby more special then another?!

Was going to reply but @Yesthatismychildsigh put it better and more eloquently than I could so I'll just agree!

Wow, she owes you the apology. Personally, I find the term rainbow baby offensive and derogatory, and your friend should have stopped using it as soon as you said.

Kindly OP, your friend seems to be immersed in baby world. I'd put the chances of her referring to her own child as 'mummy's little rainbow' when they're 15 at somewhere between 0 and - oh, where did the teenager go? That she can't see this and apologise to you does not say much for her self awareness or empathy. She'll be cringing when she realises. Whether or not you want to leave the door open to friendship at that point - your call. It's not you who's been insensitive, it's her.

I agree my dm had a stillborn we were her children in our rights we were never referred to as rainbow babies. I don't like the phrase personally.