Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

211 replies

WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 19:55

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

OP posts:
TomeTome · 05/03/2023 20:36

I find what she said so incredibly rude and intrusive and disrespectful. It’s not her grief to bring up nor her child to dictate to. How really horrid for you.

I think you have to be really careful how you share it with your own children, and for someone else to be poking into that would really upset me. I personally couldn’t have her mixing with my children if she was going to behave like that. I’d be wishing her well but letting her go.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 05/03/2023 20:37

I find the term hideously offensive. My child was not defined by someone else, living or dead. If someone gets comfort from using it for their own child then that’s up to them. Anyone using it about my child was and would be told forcefully to wind it in.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 05/03/2023 20:38

Sorry I also meant to say that I feel exactly as you do, OP.

MrsRosieBrew · 05/03/2023 20:38

I mc a couple of times and have 2 dc (now teenagers). Personally, I wouldn’t feel referring to them as rainbow babies appropriate and have never used the term. Nor would I really want to be reminded of the mc I had at that time; I know they happened, I think about them in my own way and in my own time. The term rainbow baby didn’t exist AFAIK back then but I completely agree with what you wrote and I would feel the way that you do.

The term is possibly more relevant to your friend as she has a very young child who has come into her life many years after suffering a mc. I do wonder if she has some unresolved grief/feelings around this at the moment. Possibly having a young baby has brought some old feelings around the mc to the surface for her? To be using the term so often and quite vehemently suggests that she’s seeking comfort and needing to relate to someone because she’s hurting. Just my gut feeling about it.

I don’t see any reason for you to apologise. I hope she reflects on things and comes to understand how you feel - and also how she may be feeling.

Coxspurplepippin · 05/03/2023 20:38

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2023 20:05

Your child is 15 and your friend insists on referring to her as 'your rainbow baby' rather than by her name. That would majorly irritate me. I feel sorry for her child too that she's referred to as such.

This

Kedece2410 · 05/03/2023 20:39

I think she owes you the apology. Using term several times in one conversation when you asked her not to sounds odd & almost like she was trying to make a point

I cant imagine many people still use the rainbow phrase when their child is in their teens

Original poster
WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:39

user143677434 · 05/03/2023 20:33

Hang on … she is actually using the term to your child? So in normal everyday conversation she is comparing your DD to her dead sibling?

That’s so far out of line! Words fail me.

Show quote history

Yes, dd walked in while we were chatting and she said "Oh heres Mummy's little rainbow baby", it took a couple of seconds to sink in, so I sort of just sat there for a second then downplayed it and made a bit of a joke, dd just looked a bit bemused and went off to do whatever she was doing, and I asked friend why she called her that, and she said "because she is" so I asked her not to and just to use dds name.

I spoke to dd when friend went off and she's fine, we have had this conversation before and she knows my views so she wasn't bothered by it, thankfully.

I just can't really grasp why she's been like this today.

OP posts:
Kranke · 05/03/2023 20:39

Apologies, I didn’t realise from you original post that your friend wasn’t referring to a miscarriage, and that you had lost your child. That’s horrible and her referring to your daughter as a rainbow baby is not just insulting, it’s not even what that term means! Your daughter is nearly an adult, so not a baby either, so both terms are completely disrespectful to you and must be horrible to hear for both you and your daughter. Perhaps she is going through something, but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful for you. I would distance myself from her if I was in your position.

Mariposista · 05/03/2023 20:40

you both understand the term and apply it differently. You need to live and let live in this regard.
I do agree though that especially given your daughter's age, she needs to refer to her by her name, and got get so bogged down in how she came along after you experienced a loss.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 05/03/2023 20:41

I’d be dropping this woman. That’s so disrespectful.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/03/2023 20:41

Well, technically she owes you the apology . It sounds like she’s in a bad place.

I’d leave it a few days and message something neutral, like - hope you are OK, loosing a child is very difficult and we all have our ways of handling it.

If she’s not happy with that you might have to let her go. It’s not a term I like myself, I do understand some people find it comforting, and I guess it doesn’t matter if they use it about a baby - but I really don’t think it should be used to describe an older child. A whole host of problems.

wildseas · 05/03/2023 20:42

My take on this would be that this isn’t about you or your loss at all.

I suspect that until she had the miscarriage she had no real idea of how painful losing your child must have been so it didn’t really cross her radar.

I imagine that she is struggling with her own loss and is thinking about it a lot - hence the rainbow comments with her own child. That she gets comfort from thinking about it in that way.

She probably feels like she hasn’t done enough before to acknowledge your loss, and that by discussing it now she is showing solidarity / you’re both on the same side etc.

I think that you’re absolutely in the right but the fact she can’t see that is a reflection of her own struggles so I’d go a bit gently if I was you

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2023 20:42

Jesus, she had no right to speak to your DD like that or to tell you to apologise for pulling her up on it. So weird and inappropriate. She owes you an apology and I wouldn’t reply to her message. She’s got something going on and that’s sad but it’s not for you or your family to tolerate her strange behaviour because of it.

Kranke · 05/03/2023 20:43

Also, does your teen know what you went through? Either way, your ‘friend’ is reminder her of the sibling she didn’t get to know, or forcing you to tell her that she had an elder sibling that died. Neither are acceptable, and I cannot believe an adult who has had miscarriages and a live birth would do this, I am so angry on your behalf.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/03/2023 20:43

Yes, dd walked in while we were chatting and she said "Oh heres Mummy's little rainbow baby"

Sounds like she'd benefit from some counselling tbh. That's not normal behaviour.

Dunnoburt · 05/03/2023 20:43

I had a 35 week loss....only referred to my now amazing 7 year old as a Rainbow Baby when TTC her.....YANBU

Pubesofsoberness · 05/03/2023 20:44

She's rude and insensitive. I'd have wanted to tell her to fuck off

derbylass81 · 05/03/2023 20:45

She repeatedly referred to your 15 year old as a "rainbow baby"?

I find that really strange.

But the fact that she kept doing so after you asked her not to us very insensitive.

You did nothing wrong.

allthelittlelights · 05/03/2023 20:45

I wouldn't like it. I lost my daughter to miscarriage in 2015, and was pregnant with my son by her official 'due date' so they could never have both been here. I don't like thinking of him in relation to the older sibling who, if she had lived, would mean he would not be here.

Saschka · 05/03/2023 20:48

WasIInsensitive · 05/03/2023 20:39

Yes, dd walked in while we were chatting and she said "Oh heres Mummy's little rainbow baby", it took a couple of seconds to sink in, so I sort of just sat there for a second then downplayed it and made a bit of a joke, dd just looked a bit bemused and went off to do whatever she was doing, and I asked friend why she called her that, and she said "because she is" so I asked her not to and just to use dds name.

I spoke to dd when friend went off and she's fine, we have had this conversation before and she knows my views so she wasn't bothered by it, thankfully.

I just can't really grasp why she's been like this today.

Show quote history

Your “friend” is a massive bitch. Completely inappropriate, whatever she has going on in her own life.

KM247 · 05/03/2023 20:48

So sorry for your loss. I agree with others, she isn’t respecting your wishes.

I’ve never heard anyone use the term beyond pregnancy. A friend of mine had two early miscarriages in quite quick succession, when she was quite far along in her third pregnancy I remember her saying ‘I’ve got my rainbow baby now’. Not heard her say that since and her daughter is a toddler now.

It seems you’ve been very compassionate and understanding towards her, but it hasn’t been returned. I think I’d be uncomfortable with someone calling my children my rainbow babies rather than their names.

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 20:48

Firstly I commend you on your well thought out OP.

Your friend needs to respect your wishes for your grief.

And also your child is 15 now so seems a bit odd to keep bringing it up now?

Appleypie · 05/03/2023 20:49

Totally weird and I agree that she owes you an apology, and not the other way around.

Also - I've had 2 miscarriages and am lucky enough to have 2 living children. I know, I just know that having a stillbirth or losing a child would be so, so much more devastating. It's not a competition but that is surely widely acknowledged by most people.

Aside from all that and on a much more trivial level - who would speak to a 15 year old like that?!?!

Tophy124 · 05/03/2023 20:49

Your friend is wrong and I agree with you 100%.

My grandmother and mother both had losses and we always spoke about those losses in the way they wanted to, but if someone had referred to me as a rainbow baby ( I arrived after my mum miscarried) I would have felt really weird and uncomfortable about it. I already felt a little odd sometimes hearing about the sister I should have had and I’d wonder why I made it and survived and my sister didn’t and I’d feel actual guilt or like I shouldn’t be here. Quite morbid thinking for a child. (Not trying to guilt anyone who calls their child a rainbow baby but I did grow up knowing I was a child after a pretty horrendous loss)

Id be majorly annoyed that she called your daughter it in front of her after you asked her to stop. I’d have to distance from this friend for the reason of her seemingly trying to competitively discuss your losses. All losses are horrendous, but one persons suffering doesn’t take away from another’s.

AutumnScream · 05/03/2023 20:49

She owes you the apology she is the one who constantly used a phrase towards your dd when repeatedly asked not to.

For what its worth op i agree i lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks and am currently pregnant with my 2nd and i wont use the term rainbow baby either for the exact reason as you. This baby is special in their own right not just because they follow a loss.