Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

[WasIInsensitive]

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

All I know so far is that I apparently think my grief is more relevant than hers

I don't know about more 'relevant', but your baby's life and death sound incredibly traumatic.

It seems like she's the sort who's very much all about her. She couldn't support you in your loss, but expects you to do so for her. She equates her 8 week mc with losing a very ill full term baby. She didn't want to hear about your experience but expects you to listen to hers several times. By worrying about her you're being far nicer than I would be, because while today might be the worst it's been it seems like the relationship has been somewhat one sided in her favour for a long time.

I think having no more to do with her is the right way to go. What's happened today is dreadful, think how it might progress if you keep her in your life. It's enough to make me shudder, I hate to think what it might do to you.

Ghosting her is probably the best way here. She'll know why and you can avoid the drama. I'm sorry for your loss and that you have been treated so unkindly.

Another one here who dislikes the term. My sister was born after our brother died, and she has been painfully aware all her life that she wouldn't exist if he hadn't died. I don't think calling her the rainbow would have made things any better - probably the opposite.

I'm so sorry that you're having to negotiate this situation with someone you thought was a friend, OP.

I agree with this and several other posters who have said similar.

Maybe she is still feeling really raw about it all. But she still owes you an apology.

Thank you for all the support yesterday. I appreciate every post, and thank you all for sharing your stories too, it has really helped clarify my thoughts, and it was interesting to read the posts from those in my youngest daughters position.

I had a long conversation with mutual this morning, who has also fallen out with friend now.

She said a lot of upsetting things, basically it boils down to the fact that she is jealous I met my dd, that's why she hates me talking about her because I have memories and photos, and she doesn't. She felt like me not using the 'rainbow' term for my dd was insulting to her choosing to use it, and she wanted to make the point that "It's not a dirty word", which I've never said, just stated my personal preference for my situation.

She is jealous that dd has photos of her older sister, and that we can use her name etc, and she feels like her child has been deprived of that (which I think was the catalyst for what happened, as dd and I were at the baby garden within the last few weeks, we go once a year on my oldest dds birthday)

My daughters death is the worst thing I've ever been through, and her miscarriage is the worst she has ever been through, we should be able to accept that for each other and not compete. Its just such an odd stance, but so many people do it.

Mutual has spoken to friends husband, but has backed away for now as well. At least I now have a reason, of sorts, and I sort of know what has sparked it off, and friend has support from her husband if she needs it, I cannot be the person to support her, and I also won't be accepting any apology that may come my way. I wish her no harm, but I do not need that in my life at all.

Somehow she is grieving and she has chosen to make me into the punchbag for her feelings, and I don't deserve it.

I don't even think it was particularly about the use of the term at all either, I think that was probably what she saw as another symptom of this problem she has

@Battenbergcoconutice I'm so very sorry about you and your friend. I think sometimes two people who are hurt just need to protect themselves, and would do no good grieving together. It's so sad that it has ended your friendship, no wonder you're left feeling upset and confused.

Fwiw I really don't think it's personal, I know that in the first depths of grief I was incredibly selfish, I had to be or I wouldn't have got through it, and now I'm years on I do regret some of the things I did in some ways, but I know I would have inflicted pain on others if I chose a different path also.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'll bet you cannot wait for those scrunchy baby snuggles very soon 💐

I think you are being very charitable, @WasIInsensitive.

I have had five miscarriages, one at around 8 weeks where I had to have surgical management under general anaesthetic. I had no living children at the time.

I know so many women who have had miscarriages, including one who had multiple miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies, lost both her tubes and so had no possibility of becoming pregnant again without doing IVF, which she couldn't afford. She wasn't entitled to any NHS cycles because her partner already had a child from a previous relationship.

I don't know a single woman who has had a miscarriage and is acting in such an extreme way.

Yes, having a miscarriage is sad and shit and you're allowed to grieve over it. But this is a completely excessive reaction to having had a first trimester miscarriage 20 years ago.

It's absolutely nothing like how I imagine it feels to lose your child after they have been born, or even have a stillbirth or a late miscarriage. Your friend's loss was nowhere near as traumatic as yours.

No problem OP, you deserve support and are 100% in the right here. This is exactly where ‘all feelings are valid’ leads - insulting people who have been through genuinely tragic things and encouraging people to make it a ‘grief competition’. You’ll be better off without her 💐

I think for some women their pregnancy is a baby to them from the moment the test shows positive and when they lose that pregnancy early on, they are haunted by not knowing anything about what their child would have been like. They don't even know if they are grieving a don or daughter. In her mind, which is desperate for knowledge of her lost child, she thinks you at least knew who your baby was. And because she's never had to lose an actual living child, she cannot comprehend the difference between the two situations.
I think she sounds unwell - it's all become twisted in her mind.
But you're right - you can't help her and you haven't done anything wrong here. I'm so sorry for your loss and for how this woman has made you feel. I think not seeing her again is your best option x

It is an extreme reaction, but now I've had a little time to think about our friendship, she is prone to overreacting, and being quite nasty to people, this is the first time it's ever been so blatant towards me, but it has definitely happened before over various subjects.

It feels like she has built up this resentment and not let me in on the whole thing, and the first I've really known is when she exploded about it. If I knew how she was feeling beforehand I would have discussed it with her and tried to help if I could, or just backed off if I was bringing up some difficult feelings for her, but she never gave me that chance.

I'm struggling to understand a bit, I had an early miscarriage after I had my daughters, I was sad about it, but, for me, it wasn't on par with what I went through with my older dd, and I rarely think about it, I'm not sure how I would have felt about it had my daughter not died, and so it's difficult for me to put myself in her shoes really.

I've made sure her dh knows she's struggling with something, discussed what happened with one trusted friend, and I will just quietly remove myself from any social even that she attends (she doesn't much at the moment anyway with her baby being so little) and have blocked her on everything so she can't get in touch, so that will be that now, I really don't need that in my life, but I also don't want a drama or to make anyone else uncomfortable.

Thank you all again, I really needed the support last night, and you were all amazing 💐

God that’s awful she’s like a grief vulture. Making your grief all about her.

she sounds very very unwell to me. I also find the reaction to an early miscarriage 20 years later extreme, in that she’s attacking her friends. And jealousy in this situation is heinous.

could she be struggling with pnd?

Your friend sounds unwell, and frankly narcissistic. She is not coping with her grief in a healthy way, imo she needs therapy.

Personally I’d distance myself from her - don’t have anything to do with her. Grief is never an excuse for lashing out the way she has.