Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

[WasIInsensitive]

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

I hadn’t heard of the term Rainbow baby until relatively recently and then thought it referred to the baby that had died (as pets go over the rainbow bridge..).

I also dislike all these phrases.

if your friend nts you to respect her wishes, then Your friend should also respect your wishes.

Your friend is being weird.

Rainbow baby isn't a technical term so it is neither correct nor incorrect.

It's a term some people like to use about their own children because it brings them some comfort. If that's not the case for you, obviously you don't need to use it yourself and your friend should respect your wish not to have youe daughter referred to in this way.

She owes you an apology, why would she think it's ok to use that term to refer to someone else's child, especially when the child in question is 15 and she's been told not to. It's weird she feels it's appropriate. Her expecting an apology, she'd have a long wait if I was you.

I've always hated the term, why would you refer to one child as though they are somehow a replacement for the other child? I miscarried between my second and third child, I was about 9 weeks so very early thankfully, I'd never refer to our third child as a rainbow, he isn't, he's our 3rd child and much wanted. It's weird to think he wouldn't exist if the other pregnancy continued (I fell pregnant again immediately thankfully) I don't associate him with the one I lost. Other people using it about their own child I don't say anything, but I do secrety cringe a bit, I'd say something if someone else used the term to refer to my child though.

I've been there for her when she has been upset, we've talked about her experience of loss a few times, not really mine tbh as she finds it quite upsetting so she doesn't fully know all the details, but my dds photos are dotted about the place and her name is used rather than hushed away.

I think your relationship has been pretty unequal for a long time and she didn't like you asserting a boundary.

She lost an early pregnancy and you help her with her feelings around it. You lost a baby and SHE feels too upset to support you with your feelings? And won't even respect your request not to refer to your DD in relation to your baby when repeatedly asked.

I suspect she's been pushing at your boundaries and asking in ways that aren't very friendly and it's unfortunate that it's taken the disrespect of your DD to make you enforce your boundaries. I'd think long and hard about whether this is a healthy relationship for you, rather than casting around trying to work out dates to excuse her behaviour. I think her behaviour may be fairly typical for her.

Possibly I'm wrong.

Your friend owes you a massive apology.

I also think she is wildly unreasonably to draw any parallels between the death of a child and an early miscarriage.

It does sound like she's struggling and needs support, but you're right, you're not the one who should be providing it. Take a step back for your own sake, hopefully she'll find her way back to you when she's doing better (if you want her to).

I’m with you OP - defining a human by the death of another is tasteless to me, and damaging to the human. It honours neither of them.

You are both entitled to your opinions and interpretation beliefs.

there really ia nothing to apologise about, especially in reference to your own DD.

Your friend was insensitive and should be apologising to you.

Words are important. I had my DD in 2020 and when sharing her birth date a few people have said ‘oh, she’s a Covid baby’. Absolutely hate that term. She’s a baby that happened to be born during a pandemic but that’s it, it doesn’t define her.

You absolutely don’t have to use a term that doesn’t sit well with you.

YANBU

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss

Is she being serious?? Your loss was a thousand times greater than hers. An early miscarriage is ‘sad’ but nowhere near the same as a later loss or the loss of a child who has lived. Sorry it just isn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️

As you’ve given a trigger warning I assume only those who have the emotional resilience have read on so ill share what I really think. Your friend owes you an apology.

Early miscarriages weren’t even known about years ago, they were a late period. Thanks to early pregnancy tests we now have so much talk about ‘miscarriage’, which 10+ years ago meant the loss of a baby further into the pregnancy, not effectively a chemical pregnancy. It’s cheapening the word and meaning women who have later miscarriages have to grin and bear being compared to somebody who only knew they were pregnant for a few days or a couple of weeks at most.

It’s vexing having to pretend ‘all grief is equal’ when some is clearly so much more upsetting than others.

She lost an early pregnancy and you help her with her feelings around it. You lost a baby and SHE feels too upset to support you with your feelings? And won't even respect your request not to refer to your DD in relation to your baby when repeatedly asked.

Yes this stood out to me too, how DARE she declare the loss of your daughter too upsetting. How dare she.

Completely agree with @Moonicorn as well, as someone who's had a MMC at ten weeks but never lost a child.

To be honest, the term ‘rainbow baby’ makes me cringe inside and out. I’ve only ever heard it on Mumsnet, it wasn’t around when my son died. I would not be happy if someone labelled my subsequent child a ‘rainbow baby’ as to me it is trite and icky. Other people can do what they wish and I would respect their wishes as they should respect mine. You friend sounds a bit of a tool.

I've been there for her when she has been upset, we've talked about her experience of loss a few times, not really mine tbh as she finds it quite upsetting so she doesn't fully know all the details, but my dds photos are dotted about the place and her name is used rather than hushed away

Given it happened when she was in her teens, before 8 weeks, and long before you knew her, a) her child isn’t a rainbow baby either, by any normal definition, and b) I’m afraid it has crossed my mind that this MC might not actually have happened.

It sounds like she is almost jealous of your loss trumping hers, and is keen to put you down about it? You talk about your child, she finds it too upsetting to talk about and switches the topic back to herself.

I also had a very early MC - and I accept that the experience is different for everybody - but for me it wasn't the loss of a child. I'd find her equating of the two things very hard.

I think you’ve been very tolerant of her insensitive and rude behaviour.

I’m going to go further and say I don’t think an early miscarriage can ever be the ‘loss of a child’ no matter what the feelings around it. I’ll be flamed but it’s beyond offensive for anybody to compare the loss of a pregnancy they knew about for a week to the loss of an actual child that they knew, loved and cared for.

I completely and totally agree.

I hope you’re ok OP, sounds like an upsetting day.
I’d never heard this term before - is it an Americanism or where did it suddenly arrive from? I’m so glad it isn’t used in my orbit. I had a very upsetting mc after years of trying. Within a year and a half we had the surprise and blessing of my wonderful, adored son, and I would hate to think that he ever thought of himself as anyone other than himself. He doesn’t know about our loss before him. I like to think that his sibling left a cosy nest all ready for him, but his place in the world is his alone and his identity is independent of what happened before. So I totally understand where you are coming from. Your friend is dealing with things in her way but in a different way, and she should respect that you don’t want that forced upon you and certainly not on your dd. I hope she sees she is being thoughtless in this regard and apologises. Take care of yourself.

I’m fully prepared for a flaming but I completely agree. I am really sick of the fringe rhetoric which pops up around baby loss awareness week each year to suggest that an early miscarriage should be regarded exactly the same as a full-term still birth or an infant death.

I would be really pissed off if anyone referred to my child as a rainbow baby… I don’t think it’s a term you can apply to anyone else’s child other than your own if you wish. I find it bizarre she would use this term for your child, and even more outrageous when you have said please refrain from doing it. Agree with you that it places the child’s importance in relation to the lost child and I don’t think that’s healthy for any child to understand… in my opinion the grief is the parents’ and shouldn’t be expressed involving the child and I think that’s quite damaging and confusing for them. If I was in your shoes I probably wouldn’t give my friend any contact at least for a while.. I’m not sure I could go beyond this tbh. Good luck to you. So sorry for your past loss. Xxx

I'm sorry OP. You have every right to be upset and offended. She absolutely doesn't get to define what you call your children, and she should respect your wishes for what she calls them. It's super weird for anybody to talk about a 15 year old in terms like little, baby or rainbow, let alone to refer to them in the context of their sibling who was lost 16 years ago, and frankly she sounds totally insensitive to your feelings.

She obviously is working through some stuff right now, and I'm glad you got a mutual friend to check in on her. You sound like a super friend who has been incredibly patient and understanding with her (repeatedly talking about her pregnancy loss and being totally unwilling to talk about yours because it's too upsetting sounds one sided from the outside looking in, especially in the context of this latest episode). I hope she cools her heels and returns with an apology.

Yes. YADNBU, OP.

You are perfectly reasonable to object to your friends use of the term rainbow baby to refer to your child, as you are not comfortable with it. Your friend should have heard this, listened and responded by stopping.
it’s difficult to know exactly what’s going on here. Your friend seems to be a bit obsessive about the rainbow baby idea for her own situation and seems to want to project it onto yours. Maybe she is suffering a bit with stress or anxiety and is holding tight to the idea of rainbow baby to help herself feel better? Maybe she thought if you both had rainbow babies this bonded you together or something?
I think she’s in the wrong on the occasion you describe and you don’t owe her an apology. But perhaps when things have calmed down a bit you could reach out to express friendly feelings going forward, it’s just you don’t think of your dc that way, you can still be friends but use the term for her child if she wants but not yours?

I think she is probably still grieving and sort of unconsciously looking for people/situations to take her rage out on.

You have nothing to apologise for also but equally I would try not to hold on to any offense because I think it is about her and her grieving process, which I'm sure you know isn't always pretty.

I'm very sorry for your loss x

Agree with the majority. She owes you a massive apology. She can refer to her own child as a rainbow baby if she likes, but she should respect your wish not to have that term used in relation to your child.

She sounds incredibly insensitive and self absorbed, and I would struggle to maintain a friendship with her on that basis. If her behaviour today was totally out of character, then I would be concerned that she might be unwell. However, some of the things that you've said suggest that she can be quite self absorbed more generally. If that's the case, I would let the friendship die a natural death, personally.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with this. It must have been upsetting.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I dislike the term too, but obviously don’t mind it in conversations I have with my friends about loss. But I’d find it odd that she would continuously call your daughter rainbow rather than her name? Is that what happened? I don’t know anyone who would do that to be honest.

Clearly it’s very emotional for you both but I don’t think you have anything to apologise for.