Upset friend over the use of 'rainbow baby' - was I wrong? *TW* childloss

[WasIInsensitive]

For context - my beautiful daughter died 16 years ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards and have an amazing 15yo dd too.

Friend had an early miscarriage (not diminishing her experience, I've also miscarried early on and I know its heartbreaking) 20 years ago and has a lovely little 1yo now.

Friend was over earlier and kept on referring to my dd as my 'rainbow baby/child/daughter', she also calls her child this.

I fully understand the term, and know lots of bereaved parents who find comfort in it, however it's not a term I'm comfortable with in relation to my family.

Every time she used this term for my dd I asked her to use dds name, she slipped back into it after one use again.

After, maybe, 5 times telling her she snapped at me, saying she was correct with her use of the word and its natural to use it.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU USE THE TERM, AND WOULD BE UPSET BY MY EXPLANATION OF WHY I DISLIKE IT

I explained that I dislike using that term for my dd as I feel it makes her sound as though her importance in my life is based on her sisters place, rather than her being important in her own right.

I don't like thinking of dd as my daughter after my loss, she is simply my daughter. She knows about her sister, and I occasionally use the terms 'little sister' or 'big sister' but never 'rainbow', I actually find it really upsetting to think of her like that, and I find it upsetting to think of my older daughter as 'rain' as well, her life was short, but she was here, she is loved, and she is important in her own right too.

Friend said I was being insensitive to her loss and her use of the term, again I explained that I would never mention/judge/comment or even think anything of someone else using that term about their own situation, however I don't want the term used about my daughter, a couple more words were exchanged and she left, told me to message when I was ready to apologise.

I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for at this moment, but all opinions are welcome. I could have definitely handled it better, but I feel like my point about not feeling comfortable using the term about my family was valid, and I would never have explained my stance had she not pushed it.

(NC just in case friend is on here, I don't think she is but you never know).

I just can't really grasp why she's been like this today.

If you do want to re-open this with her, that’s maybe what to focus on. Insistently calling a teenager a Rainbow Baby seems like there’s more at play than social tone- deafness. It’s a wee bit strange by anyone’s reading, as every PP has said.

I’d be saying to her ‘the use of this term is clearly important to you. Is there a reason I don’t understand where it’s now important to use it in every circumstance where you feel it applies?’

To go on using it with another person’s child after she’s been gently asked not to, and when it’s making others - including the baby themselves, who is an almost-adult, not an infant without comprehension - uncomfortable, is a strange decision and seems to indicate some sort of emotional disquiet.

You’ve said this terminology re: your DD is a new thing since she had the LO? With a recent loss and a LO at a year old she’s possibly still in a bit of a state of emotional turmoil? Could it be she’s feeling guilt, or concerned her new baby will replace the memory of the lost one? So she’s trying to work through her grief by shoe-horning some form of everyday conversational remembrance or reminding you of your common bond or ensuring that dialogue remains open, for her own peace of mind?

None of this means she’s behaving acceptably by going off in a strop, or putting her feelings above yours or that you owe her any apology. It’s also interesting that she feels you do owe her an apology.

Basically, I wonder what’s going on on her head, assuming she can even articulate it herself? Whether you want to try further with a view to mending this depends if you feel the friendship has legs hereafter. She does sound like she’s in a tricky headspace, we on here don’t know if she’s usually like this.

I am so sorry you lost your daughter op.

I’ve experienced Mc and personally really dislike the term rainbow.

I think you did nothing wrong but she wabu.

My first child was stillborn and I don’t like and don’t ever use the term rainbow baby for my subsequently born children
I would not challenge my friend,who sounds like she is struggling but I would try my best to discourage her from using the term for my DC

You do not need to apologise, she needs to be respectful of yours.

You absolutely have nothing to apologise for. It is nothing short of bizarre to refer to a 15 year old as a rainbow. To do so after being asked not to is utterly disrespectful. It sounds like she is trying to validate her own emotions by imposing them onto you.

Anyone flouncing off telling me I owed them an apology would get right up my nose however it does sound like perhaps she is experiencing some difficulty. Is there a mutual friend who could check in on her, I agree it isn’t your role to do so as you are at risk of being further hurt by her.

Perhaps give the friendship some space and then you can reassess whether she is someone you want in your life in the future.

I think she must be trying to use you for validation in some way. It is hard to tell from just a few details here so I may be wrong, but this is my hunch. You had a little girl who was actually born and died early on. I have had miscarriages. One in particular was a very upsetting experience. But I would never presume to compare it with the experience of giving birth to and losing a newborn baby. You say her miscarriage was early in her pregnancy and 20 years ago. To me that means that her current 1 year old is not a rainbow baby. Unless she has had 20 years of fertility problems I would suggest that she has been living her life as an adult woman and then had a baby. But for whatever reason she wants the attention of classing herself as having experienced something as traumatic as your own loss. You say you have been there for her, but she doesn't know many of the detail about the death of your baby because she finds it upsetting. It doesn't sound like she has been there for you. She doesn't sound like a great friend actually.

Agree-I find it odd she is referring to a 15 year old as a ‘rainbow baby’ (at least 5 times) when its not her own child.

If shes a good friend, I would message her with your reasons and say that you respect how she refers to her own child, but ask her to always refer to your child by their name.

To me I find it extremely Odd she refers to your 15 year old as your rainbow baby. Why do you need a constant reminder about the child you lost 15 years later

You asked her not to use it in relation to yourself/your LOs and she shouldn'tve carried on deliberately using it. Using it a second time might've just been an unintentional mistake, but she used in numerous times. Whether she likes the term herself isn't relevant, you asked her not to use it in relation to your situation, that's all.

You did nothing wrong. x

told me to message when I was ready to apologise

Thats your answer, don't call. She was calling you insensitive, but being bloody insensitive herself.

I agree with you OP. Each child is individual. A loss is terrible- but the rainbow thing makes it somehow twee. But people can use the terminology that they choose for their own lives - but not other peoples'

Friends miscarriage was an early miscarriage (under 8 weeks) around 20 years ago, I do understand that maybe the birth of her child has brought up those feelings again, she was a teen so maybe it's brought back trauma from the time period of it all happening, I'm not really sure what's going on.

This is pretty out of character for her, I definitely haven't seen any signs of PND, not to say there could be something I've missed, but we see each other pretty regularly.

I'm going to message a mutual friend to check in on her, I'm not going to explain anything, I don't want people to feel they have to choose sides, I'll just say she was acting a bit out of sorts and I'm worried. I'm definitely not the person to do it right now, it will 100% end in another argument.

Thank you for all your views, and for sharing your stories, and I'm so sorry that so many of you are here too, it's truly a ahitty place to be 💐

I would message with words to the effect of your final paragraph and then step back. It is beyond bizarre to refer to a fifteen-year-old as a ‘rainbow baby’ at all, let alone in front of them.

This.

Presuming she isn't a very new friend, what has she called her for the last 14 years?

Of course she can refer to her child how she wants but presumably she also gave her a name. It's dehumanising to only to ever refer to her as "my rainbow baby" which is what she's doing to your TEEN.

I'd possibly message and say you don't feel you need to apologise for asking her to not use the term for "Jessica" but of course you understand her wanting to use it for "Phoebe" so you're happy to move in if she is".

No apology, just an offer to move on

Quite apart from anything else, @WasIInsensitive, your DD is not a baby of any kind!!

I think the term has become more widely used in more recent years. Although I had my youngest nearly 20 years ago after 2 m/cs, I don't recall ever hearing it at the time. I can't stand it, I'll be very honest!

Stand your ground. Your friend is behaving in a ridiculous way!!

I would absolutely hate this term being used towards my own children especially in front of them for all the reasons you have mentioned, i think she is being hugely disrespectful given she knows your views, especially TO your daughter. What she does is obviously her business but i am stunned she hasn’t given any thought to the pressure this places on children being called a Rainbow baby, constantly linked to a lost sibling and some how expected to be the ‘rainbow’ that heals the lost.

i think that in your thoughts neither of you are BU, however i do think that she needs to show respect for how you wish the term to be used in respect to your child.
This is your family, and your situation to grieve as you do, for her to push her own views in this area is not appropriate.
i also think that at the moment your friends views are clouded by the fact that her child is a baby, when she has 15 years of life experience with her child, and that child has her own personality and interests, ahe will probably find it equally offensive that her child is reduced to being called a rainbow baby, because her child will feel like so much more than the loss she came after.

I used the term rainbow baby with my youngest, but hes 10 months old, and I concentrate less on the losses i had before, now that hes here and safe

I do agree though that especially given your daughter's age, she needs to refer to her by her name

It’s not about the OP’s daughter’s age. It’s about the fact that the OP asked her friend to refer her daughter by her name, and she persisted in doing otherwise.

It’s not about the rights or wrongs of the phrase “rainbow baby.” It’s about being asked to use someone’s name and choosing to do something else - referring to them as “your wife”, “the boss”, “her indoors”, or whatever.

Maybe because her child is younger it has taken her a long time to get her rainbow baby. So maybe she is a bit stuck there with her grief. I completely understand how you want your daughter referred to by her name. She will be an adult in a few years. Not a baby.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I dislike the term as well and thankfully no one has tried to refer to my DD like this.

A child being born is special. No circumstances at all make one child more special or magical than another.

We have been friends for about 10 years, she's always used dds name or a nickname she has, she's used 'rainbow' for my dd on a few odd occasions since her child was born I've asked her not to and its been fine, (she uses it a lot about her baby and I've never said a word about it at all, or even explained my stance, just gently corrected her when she says it about my dd) today was totally different. She seemed to be making a point for some reason.

I really can't think why, but I've messaged a mutual friend to check on her, so I may get an explanation if friend tells her about the row we had. I'm going over every conversation we have had recently and I really am at a loss on what to think.

It’s a personal opinion and you are entitled to it as much as she is . You do not have anything to apologise at all . I have had 2 miscarriages when trying for my last child , I used the term at times during pregnancy and maybe a couple of times after she was born . Probably to explain why I felt so anxious this pregnancy qnd birth . I never felt comfortable using it all the time for the same reason as you

100% with you on this one.

I had a late mc and use of this term gives me the ick!

i can’t believe people would use it to refer to a 15 year old! Nuts 🙄

Op that’s awful; I can’t believe she was saying that to a 15 year old girl . How utterly rude of her.

she was clearly making a point, and passively aggressively so, but to bring your daughter into it. Makes is so much worse and then to demand you apologise Is appalling.

id not reach out to her, for me it would be a friendship ender.

I've just realised... I'm the eldest and was always the only daughter, (three younger brothers), and loved to bits by my parents. And I knew from probably secondary age, that mum had had quite a late miscarriage (due to an accident), before me.

Thank goodness that term wasn't about then. It's only just occurred to me. I was a child after a loss.

When I was pregnant myself, I very nearly lost DD, and my Mum talked of her loss. It was still painful for her forty years on......and I was sad for her and for my dad. But there was no sense that I was anything other than a loved and wanted daughter in my own right.