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Original poster

Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

215 replies

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 10:58

Typing because I can't talk to anyone.
We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning.

I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday.

My excuses - week has been tough for me.
I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening.

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc...

This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

OP posts:
Randobelia · 17/02/2023 10:59

Doesn't sound like your family treat you nicely. Did you spoil it, or did they by being lazy? When were you meant to leave?

Original poster
MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 11:05

We were setting off at 10am.
I got back from walking the dog at 9.40 and 2 of then still in bed (said to them to get up and pack before I went out).

I think I've been the main lead in creating this imbalance at home I've always been a 'get it dealt with' . Had to with DP working away. So he comes home and probably finds it hard to 'slot' into home role. My expectations aren't met and "whoosh' I ruin things.

OP posts:
Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 11:05

What time were you due to leave, was 9,40 a real problem?

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 11:06

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 11:05

We were setting off at 10am.
I got back from walking the dog at 9.40 and 2 of then still in bed (said to them to get up and pack before I went out).

I think I've been the main lead in creating this imbalance at home I've always been a 'get it dealt with' . Had to with DP working away. So he comes home and probably finds it hard to 'slot' into home role. My expectations aren't met and "whoosh' I ruin things.

Ok cross posted, if you’d a hard deadline I see why you’d a strop. Sounds like you have a husband problem.

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2023 11:07

Fuck him still go and either leave the kids with him or take them your choice. He doesn't get to decide what you do or dont do.

CottonSock · 17/02/2023 11:08

Sorry this sounds like a really bad start to a weekend away for you. I would be upset too. Can you go alone or with one dc?

TheOriginalEmu · 17/02/2023 11:09

Sounds like you are justified in your anger!

Mars27 · 17/02/2023 11:09

Very sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound your family is supportive, especially with you being ill.

I'd say go on your own and have a lovely time. This might be the wake up call they need

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/02/2023 11:11

You dont sound like the cow...

I'd go away on the trip and leave the 3 of them to it....

DysonBison · 17/02/2023 11:12

it sounds like you could do with a weekend on your own!

I would go and leave him to deal with kids and the house and the dog and the housework

RudsyFarmer · 17/02/2023 11:13

I would have taken great delight in going on holiday alone and leaving them to it.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 17/02/2023 11:14

I don't think this is a you thing.

I'd go anyway. On my own if no one else is ready.

happygertie · 17/02/2023 11:14

If my partner told me to go fuck myself he wouldn't be my partner anymore. I get that we all have crossed words/ rows, but wouldn't tolerate language that aggressive! I would get instant ick.

Original poster
MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 11:14

I was so looking forward to going as its place I frequented lots as a child and wanted them to see it.

Currently in crying mode. DP has moved his car, off the road onto the driveway blocking mine so I'll have to ask him to move it. So need to get my tears out.

Going to Google route planner. Will take the dog.

OP posts:
TheMatriarchy · 17/02/2023 11:16

Leave, go on the trip without them and enjoy some time where you don't exist to serve everyone else. Hopefully your absence will help them to realise what you do for them and develop a small amount of gratitude. It sounds like typical teen behaviour, but for your partner to get in on the act as well rather than support you is a bad sign. Have some away to think about what you want from life, as it sounds like you are constantly being put in the position of the 'bad guy' because you are the only one actually adulting at home.

lemonyfox · 17/02/2023 11:17

Your husband sounds awful and unsupportive. I can't see that you've done anything wrong.

Randobelia · 17/02/2023 11:18

Can you get a spare key and move it yourself? 2 secs before you leave? He sounds awful.

CatChant · 17/02/2023 11:18

Go anyway. Take the dog.

It sounds like your family take all you do for granted. Time they learnt otherwise.

Have a peaceful weekend just looking after you.

Sparklfairy · 17/02/2023 11:19

I don't think you've done anything wrong tbh. You all know you're going away, you all know what needs doing, you asked them to get up and start packing before you went out. They also probably know you'll 'get it dealt with' if they don't step up, so no biggie to them if they lie in bed instead.

You're allowed to tell your family when they're out of order, that doesn't mean you're 'having a strop' and 'spoiling everything'. Surely if they behaved like team players everything could have gone smoothly?

Maybe for damage limitation you could go in and say, I'm sorry I shouted, I just feel like everything is getting left to me, and that's not fair because of XYZ - health issues, you're in pain etc. Can we start over and work together?'

I'm assuming you can still go? Just later? If DP especially is the type to be ungracious to your olive branch and drag out a row, just go on your own.

Lamelie · 17/02/2023 11:20

You’re not a cow
Flowers

Milky4 · 17/02/2023 11:21

Just trying to establish facts.

Did you cause a big scene and start yelling at people? It sounds like they are in the wrong but I've been in that scenario where DH doesn't help (especially with holidays) and then right at the last moment I've lost my rag to the point where I've 'ruined it'.

Ask your DH to move his car. Take the car and go.

Make a stand. Yes you may have caused a scene but you had reason to. Sometimes we have to just make the stand. Next time they'll know- you actually mean business.

SnarkyBag · 17/02/2023 11:25

You’re not a cow and it’s not you ruining things.

have a good cry, pack the dog in the car and take yourself off for what sounds like a much needed break. Maybe some time and space away will give everyone a chance to reflect a bit.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 17/02/2023 11:30

Oh op Flowers You’re not a cow. Your needs are not being met and you’re striving to meet other people’s needs and they’re treating you poorly.

Puppyseahorse · 17/02/2023 11:30

I recognise this pattern, OP. I ask for help, don’t get it, boil over, lose my shit, then feel enormously guilty that I’ve ‘overreacted’ or ‘ruined something’. does that sound like you?

do you have guilt around anger in general? Do you feel as though you’re not supposed to express it?

Hesma · 17/02/2023 11:31

Go away by yourself if it’s all booked any paid for. Have some relaxing me time. Sending a hug