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Original poster

Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

215 replies

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 10:58

Typing because I can't talk to anyone.
We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning.

I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday.

My excuses - week has been tough for me.
I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening.

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc...

This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 17/02/2023 19:48

Your partner sounds like a grade A bellend. He should be supporting you not swearing at you. It sounds very abusive and the way you have been left calling yourself names and blaming yourself? Classic abused behaviour. Sorry :(

Psychonabike · 17/02/2023 19:55

Good on you @MaryDerry . You lost it for a moment, then got yourself together and they saw the error of their ways.

Time to stop taking it all on yourself.

Next time, before you book a family holiday, confirm that everyone is invested -making it clear you have an alternative plan if it's just going to be a you-holiday. If they sign up, they are also responsible for their own packing, and being ready on time as well as a fair share of the tidying/organising at home before leaving. And then hold them to it!

Maria1982 · 17/02/2023 19:56

The only unreasonable thing is that you even think you’re being unreasonable…. You’re really not ! And your DH is way out of order talking to you like that.
please don’t internalise all this blame - it’s really not your fault

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/02/2023 20:11

The only unreasonable thing is that you even think you’re being unreasonable

Yup. You ask and ask the family for help. They don't help; you have to do everything. You get annoyed. Normal.

Good advice from @Psychonabike - and it doesn't just apply to holidays. The problem at the moment is that the only person invested in getting all the boring shit done is you.

You need to call a family meeting, discuss workloads, and agree that everyone takes a fair share (proportionate to age, in the DC's case). This will not solve the problem. They will carry on as they are. But the point of the meeting is not miraculously to change them, but to start reframing the issue of Doing Boring Shit as one for everybody, not just you. And to do so when you are calm, not when you have been driven to the end of your tether.

Then you have to rinse and repeat. People do not change overnight, especially when it's not in their interest to do so. I'm always amused by MNetters posting that "I tried a family meeting (or whatever) and it didn't work". Yes - that's because it involved people. Have you not met people? They're not usually keen on signing up to more work. But you have to keep going. Every family meeting is part of a process of shifting their thinking.

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/02/2023 20:17

NeedToChangeName · 17/02/2023 18:06

Hope you enjoy your trip

It's unclear if you all agreed to leave at 10am, or you imposed that

Either way, please don't think it's ok for a DP to tell you to fuck off. It really isn't ok at all. Complete lack of respect. Would he talk to his boss like that? Or his mother? And he didn't lose control etc. He chose to do that

It's unclear if you all agreed to leave at 10am, or you imposed that

Imposed"?

When you go on holiday do you not have a set time to be out of the house in preparation for a long drive/ catch a plane/ make a train connection?

"Imposed" is very harsh.

NeedToChangeName · 17/02/2023 20:24

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/02/2023 20:17

It's unclear if you all agreed to leave at 10am, or you imposed that

Imposed"?

When you go on holiday do you not have a set time to be out of the house in preparation for a long drive/ catch a plane/ make a train connection?

"Imposed" is very harsh.

Show quote history

@Emotionalsupportviper Yes, sometimes it's necessary to set off at 10am, but not always. OP didn't say if they had a long journey. If they all agreed to leave at 10am, that's one thing. IF she insisted they left at 10am when 2pm would have allowed a more relaxed start and other family members would have preferred that, that's a slightly different matter

Either way, her partner was out of order in his language, which was my main point

keepcalm11 · 17/02/2023 20:57

I've lost my shit for exactly the same reasons as you OP at the start of many trips, and that's without any health problems of my own or an SEN child to care for.

I hope you enjoy your holiday and that your family appreciate the effort you put in to make it work for everyone and stop taking you for granted. If they do make sure it's just you and the dog next year. Take care x

letthemalldoone · 17/02/2023 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 23:50

@jemimapuddlepluck
You can fuck off with your insults.

I genuinely don't think it's in anyone's interests including the OPs for her have a huge strop over something like this. It doesn't help. I'd say that if she were male or female. Her husband or partner is also wrong to deal with the OPs strop by telling her to fuck off. Again, I'd say the same thing if it was a female.
I've massive sympathy for what the OP is going through. I think there are better ways of dealing with it. Ways that wouldn't make her feel so shit and ways that would probably be much more effective at sorting out the problems.

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/02/2023 08:12

NeedToChangeName · 17/02/2023 20:24

@Emotionalsupportviper Yes, sometimes it's necessary to set off at 10am, but not always. OP didn't say if they had a long journey. If they all agreed to leave at 10am, that's one thing. IF she insisted they left at 10am when 2pm would have allowed a more relaxed start and other family members would have preferred that, that's a slightly different matter

Either way, her partner was out of order in his language, which was my main point

Show quote history

I agree that her partner's response was appalling.

However if a time is stated, it's usually for a reason (long drive, needing to avoid traffic, checkin at a certain tim) and bearing in mind that OP was the one doing everything, I don't think it was unreasonable for her to ask other family members to shift their lazy*rses get up in time to be packed at ready to leave at whatever time she wants.

She'd chased round like a headless chicken the previous evening getting everything cleaned up and sorted out - all they had to do was get out of bed and pack their stuff. 8.00am would have been early enough - hardly the crack of dawn.

Frankly I had been her I wouldn't have said anything to them - I would have put my bags and the dog into the car and left.

However she's a nice person than I am, and I hope she has a good holiday - she deserves it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/02/2023 08:13

*nicer

PrincessConstance · 18/02/2023 08:54

I see the bizarre rationalists are out in force.
The situation is annoying, and not strop-worthy.
Sorry, that's how I see it.
Man throws strop Ltb, a woman does the same, poor thing, it's their fault.🤔

ImAvingOops · 18/02/2023 10:31

10am is hardly the crack of dawn!

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 10:49

Your partner is a wanker

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2023 14:35

I do hope your day today is going better @MaryDerry .

When you get home things clearly have to change for the better. Why on earth would you hang around people who have so little regard for someone in their family with a chronic illness and they're not willing to lift a finger unless it suits them?

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