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Original poster

Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

215 replies

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 10:58

Typing because I can't talk to anyone.
We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning.

I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday.

My excuses - week has been tough for me.
I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening.

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc...

This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

OP posts:
Mummyto2rugrats · 17/02/2023 13:54

P.s not a grade a cow, to on the holiday without them to and relax you deserve it

been and done it. · 17/02/2023 13:59

I'm glad you're all going simply because it will make you happy. It's OK people advising go on your own but it's not a lot of fun is it? Not for me anyway.

However, you definitely deserve better than this and I'm sure you know that.

2bazookas · 17/02/2023 14:01

Just go on your own, and enjoy the break from them

TiaraBoo · 17/02/2023 14:09

You are not a cow and that wasn’t much of a strop either.
You are allowed to be cross that the other members of the family do not pull their weight on just getting ready to go away for the weekend!

Set some household rules for the DC, call it life skills.
Chat to DH about how both of you need to adapt to him coming back into the household when he works away, it’s hard from both sides.
Shocked they are not looking out for you more with your illness, don’t be afraid to say you do need more support.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 14:17

I don't think getting into a big strop was ok TBF. I am a punctual person but did it really matter if you were running late. Shouting and or crying can be aggressive and crying can be very manipulative.
I'd be frustrated by the messy kitchen but I'd have just made people help clear it up. It's not something to have a big strop over.

You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate though so maybe you all need to work out how things can be improved. On its own it does seem like you had a strop over something that wasn't that bad. If the strop was a result of everything building up then I still don't think that it's fair.

You commented that your husband works really hard too so it's not like you think he is lazy.

Longterm then you need to think about how being a stroppy Mum will effect your relationship with your kids. Regardless of whether your stroppiness is reasonable or not you don't want to end up with your kids being nervous of you or being worries about upsetting you.

My husband is the type of person who occasionally gets stroppy and I honestly can't stand it. I find it childish and obnoxious.

I never get stoppy. If I'm pissed off with my kids I'd talk to them in a normal way. Now that they are adults they are much closer to me than their Dad. He loves them dearly but they find me much easier to deal with. I'm also the one they go to for advice. I've always had far more 'control' and respect from them because I'm even tempered.

As you can see in this threads lots of people think it's ok to be short tempered or stroppy so you aren't alone.

gumball37 · 17/02/2023 14:22

Sounds like you and the other DC should have your nice weekend away.

BanterEnjoyer · 17/02/2023 14:23

Isn’t leukemia cancer of the blood? No wonder you are so exhausted. I am shocked that noone is helping you or being more compassionate. What treatment are you getting currently and how long have you had it?

LookItsMeAgain · 17/02/2023 14:23

Choconut · 17/02/2023 13:26

I'm completely failing to see how anything is your fault. Jesus you have leukemia for fucks sake, they should all be running around doing absolutely everything they can for you and to make this a lovely break. I'm glad your DH apologised but they all need to step up. A lot.

100000% this!

Please use the time when you're on holiday to work out what exactly you expect them to do around the house now that they are all older. Say it clearly. ONCE. Have a rota calendar if needs be.
Everyone has roles/jobs/chores to do in the house and around the garden.
Everyone does their role/job/chore.

Then everyone can manage to enjoy downtime, relaxing time, spare time because it's not just left to a single family member to do it all.

Good luck to you on this one @MaryDerry

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:25

Imagine that. He was faced being alone with the kids and actually having to do things, and all of a sudden he's sorry and what's to go.

He's a twat.

ArrrMeHearties · 17/02/2023 14:25

I was expecting to say yabu but reading your post no you are nbu by any means your dp and dc are

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:26

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:25

Imagine that. He was faced being alone with the kids and actually having to do things, and all of a sudden he's sorry and what's to go.

He's a twat.

*wants to.

You need a family meeting of some kind.

daisychain01 · 17/02/2023 14:32

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

Given your health circumstances and the fact you are holding down 2 jobs, how is your DP supporting you and taking some of the burden away from you? how is he ensuring your DC step up and support you when you have health risks to deal with?

You've acknowledged that he works hard, but you work hard too don't forget. If the answer is that he is doing nothing and neither are your DC, you need to start the conversation about that, to change their attitude which sounds really selfish.

Motnight · 17/02/2023 14:37

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:25

Imagine that. He was faced being alone with the kids and actually having to do things, and all of a sudden he's sorry and what's to go.

He's a twat.

This.

ifonly4 · 17/02/2023 14:40

OP, hope you manage to have a nice time.

I tend to do all the organising, cleaning, sort pets out (admittedly I have more time). However, if I returned to find my family weren't up, packed and hopefully eating breakfast at 9.40, I'd have been really annoyed. Also, the fact I'd left everything as clean and tidy as I could last night with just be breakfast things to clear this morning, I'd feel like I wasn't appreciated.

diddl · 17/02/2023 14:40

I hope that you do nothing at all this weekend Op.

If they didn't want to go to this place there has surely been plenty of time to say so.

"Don't you want me to go?"

Manipulative shit!

His actions showed that he didn't!

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 17/02/2023 14:41

Christ, if my kids (who are pre-teen) weren't up and ready to go (and packed if I'd asked them to pack stuff) 20 mins before it was time to go on holiday, I would also explode!

I couldn't leave them, since I'm a single parent, but they would be packing quick-smart and in the car, and I'd better not be hearing any complaining about stuff they'd forgotten.

OP, you need to raise your expectations.

ThreeLocusts · 17/02/2023 14:44

Just quickly, OP, it really doesn't sound to me like you're the problem here. I hope you manage to salvage something from the weekend, but don't grovel to your feckless DP and lazy kids. Flowers

nettie434 · 17/02/2023 14:47

This is just a solidarity post rather than a practical advice one. I am glad you have gone. I don't think you are a Grade A Cow. I know I find it hard to express to express disappointed and displeasure constructively so I empathise. I try to practise saying 'it upsets me when...' rather than 'you'.

It sounds as if saying you were going on your own own actually surprised your family into apologising. It shows that you can turn it from something that is about you getting upset into something where you make it clear what you want.

blackpearwhitelilies · 17/02/2023 14:50

I'm 100% on your side, OP. I think you're being treated really badly.

diddl · 17/02/2023 14:51

DP has told me to fuck myself

Is that unusual Op?

I'd find that really hard to get past.

It's a whole level of contempt that I wouldn't accept.

RachelGreeneGreep · 17/02/2023 14:53

Glad that you are going. Please try to turn that thought around that you are the one who spoils things/ grade A cow. Not at all true.
You're battling illness on top of everything else. No wonder you snapped.
I would say try to enjoy the time away, and when you get back have a long think and then a chat about what needs to change.
Your husband does sound quite manipulative tbh, and I wonder how much of that is a contributing factor to you automatically blaming yourself for what happened.

RachelGreeneGreep · 17/02/2023 14:56

Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

Ugh, I would find that hard to get past, him using language like that to me. I also think as others have said, faced with the thought of having to manage everything and everyone for the weekend, he suddenly changed his mind.

As I said previously, try to enjoy the weekend and then have a long think about the current setup. Take care of yourself.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 14:56

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:25

Imagine that. He was faced being alone with the kids and actually having to do things, and all of a sudden he's sorry and what's to go.

He's a twat.

This.

Nasty waster.

ImAvingOops · 17/02/2023 15:01

On the bright side, he's a dp and not a dh. I think you need him put him on notice - he either acts like a proper partner or he can fuck off. You're already doing everything anyway! It really is terrible that he said that to you, especially when you have so much going on with your health. He ought to be doing everything he can to make your life easier! Lots of people work hard, you included - it doesn't exempt him from doing his share in the house and with the kids!

diddl · 17/02/2023 15:07

Expecting kids/partner not to mess up the kitchen, pack & get up in time is hardly a big ask is it-it's basic bloody manners!