Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

215 replies

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 10:58

Typing because I can't talk to anyone.
We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning.

I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday.

My excuses - week has been tough for me.
I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening.

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc...

This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 12:49

Sorry just seen your update OP.

I’m really glad he apologised and you are still going as it sounds like this is something you’ve been looking forward to doing with the kids for a while.

Goldpaw · 17/02/2023 12:50

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 11:05

We were setting off at 10am.
I got back from walking the dog at 9.40 and 2 of then still in bed (said to them to get up and pack before I went out).

I think I've been the main lead in creating this imbalance at home I've always been a 'get it dealt with' . Had to with DP working away. So he comes home and probably finds it hard to 'slot' into home role. My expectations aren't met and "whoosh' I ruin things.

Fuck that OP. Your family are taking the piss. Go without them, the ungrateful lot!

Mary28 · 17/02/2023 12:51

They are treating you badly. I agree that we set ourselves up for this and somewhere in the backs of our heads we think they really appreciate us but the truth is they will expect it to be done if we always do it and will not appreciate the effort.

Could you just take off yourself for the weekend? DH and I have SEN kids and it's very hard to get away with them. We often go places alone or with mates and neither begrudges the other the break. We both work very hard in and out of the home. (he's shit at housework obviously but he does other things I can't do).

I'd like to say you need to stop doing everything for everyone. I might try doing it myself though before I tell someone else this. I do make a point of telling my family how hard I work, how tired I am and explain why I might not have the energy for x,y or z and in fairness my kids (the 2 with higher understanding anyway) kinda get it. One is a star for helping out actually. So don't be a martyr, or if you are make sure they know you are a martyr and at least get kudos for it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/02/2023 12:51

Honestly, I would pay and go by myself.

Presumably, your family know about your condition? Their behaviour is reprehensible.

Strawberrydelight78 · 17/02/2023 12:52

I would just go alone leave them to it.

Mumsanetta · 17/02/2023 12:53

Enjoy your holiday! I think you dealt with this well and the fact that you stood up for yourself and were prepared to go alone and explained your position calmly probably made your DH rethink his. I hope this morning also shows you that your DH is very much able to get stuck into family life if he wants, after all he is the one who rallied the troops this time.

P.S This is not AIBU but you are completely unreasonable for your thread title. It sounds like you are the glue that’s not only holding everything together but also doing everything. Time to have a rethink and prioritise your health - you can’t pour from an empty cup as they say.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 17/02/2023 12:58

Why on earth are you blaming yourself? None of this is your fault.

DMLady · 17/02/2023 13:01

I’m glad you’re going, OP, and also glad you managed to have some kind of a chat with your DP — and got a hug from one of your DCs. (Also: I’m sorry but I did have a little chuckle at your comment that the dog is happy!) Hopefully you and your DP will be able to talk again, when neither of you are tired/stressed, and sort out a new system going forward where it’s not all down to you. In the meantime, I hope you have a good break (and don’t regret taking the family along!). I hope the dog stays happy too!

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2023 13:02

None of this is your fault.

your DH sounds lazy and checked out.

your DC the same which may be forgivable depending on their age.

you sound exhausted, time to put your foot down and be clear about what you expect going forward

newjobnewstartihope · 17/02/2023 13:06

@Cocobutt are you for real? She has leukaemia and her family treat her like shit but she should feel guilty for having a well earned rant at them? And yeah it's a shame the kids can't go but maybe they should listen and help their mum in future

newjobnewstartihope · 17/02/2023 13:08

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 12:48

If OP started a thread saying her and the kids overslept and didn’t clean the kitchen and so her DH had a huge strop, caused a massive argument and is now going on the family holiday without her or the kids - everyone would be calling him every name under the sun.

OP snapped because of what sounds like an ongoing situation but it’s OP that wants them all to go - she’s not going to have a good time without them and it’s not going to solve the bigger issues they have.

It takes one person to apologise and break the ice and then hopefully the other person will apologise too and it opens up a discussion.

As OP started the argument I would have said - I’m sorry for having a big strop, I’m just annoyed because of X, Y, Z and I don’t want us to miss out on this experience over a messy kitchen.
Hopefully then they’ll apologise back for over sleeping and not packing etc and promise to make more effort in the future.

I definitely think a proper discussion is needed afterwards but I think it’s more important that the DCs and OP get the holiday that they’ve been looking forward to.

You clearly have no clue what it's like to be continually took the piss out of ignored and treated like a skivvy. Lucky you

Twawmyarse2 · 17/02/2023 13:11

TheMatriarchy · 17/02/2023 11:16

Leave, go on the trip without them and enjoy some time where you don't exist to serve everyone else. Hopefully your absence will help them to realise what you do for them and develop a small amount of gratitude. It sounds like typical teen behaviour, but for your partner to get in on the act as well rather than support you is a bad sign. Have some away to think about what you want from life, as it sounds like you are constantly being put in the position of the 'bad guy' because you are the only one actually adulting at home.

This.

Your dh is a selfish arse and your dc's are following suit. Appalling behaviour from them when you are suffering with health problems too.

Sounds like they are all lacking in empathy and basic respect.

MysteryBelle · 17/02/2023 13:17

He is totally the cow, not you. He is a manipulator. He put the kibosh on a trip you were looking forward to, he on purpose did nothing to get kids to do their part in getting up or packing, and aggressively went against you, cursed you, and then blocked your car. Pitted dc against you. He is a mean, hostile, manipulative bully.

Dutchesss · 17/02/2023 13:22

Go by yourself, take the food and enjoy your break.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2023 13:24

Hope you have a nice time.
I'm shocked that you, suffering from leukemia, are having to deal with so much by yourself.
Going forwards, I think you need to be really clear about how tired and in pain you are, and don't just do things because 'somebody has to'. Spell out what you need other people to do, what they can no longer expect from you, and take yourself off for regular rests. It's no good saying you're tired, too tired to do something, but then carry on and do it anyway. If you are tired, say you are going to bed for a rest, and meanwhile someone will need to take the dog for a walk/do the shopping/whatever. If DH works away, he needs to find someone to take over some his home responsibilities while he is away, or to come back more frequently. He can no longer assume that you will do everything that he doesn't want to . He may need to consider getting a different job as it seems like him working away so much is no longer feasible for the family. Don't shoulder all the burden yourself.

MysteryBelle · 17/02/2023 13:25

Sorry, just saw your update. It’s great that he apologized and they are coming with you. The fact is, you have more integrity than your dh and probably your dc and they need to learn from you and step up and build their characters, because there is a huge imbalance right now. That’s what it boils down to. The hug from elder dc is very good. They know you deserve much better and I hope they start behaving decently with love and respect ❤️ Enjoy your holiday!

Choconut · 17/02/2023 13:26

I'm completely failing to see how anything is your fault. Jesus you have leukemia for fucks sake, they should all be running around doing absolutely everything they can for you and to make this a lovely break. I'm glad your DH apologised but they all need to step up. A lot.

tothelefttotheleft · 17/02/2023 13:26

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 12:03

Can’t you just apologise and then all go.

I feel so sorry for the DCs that they were looking forward to it and then their mum and dad have an argument and now they can’t go.

I’m guessing this isn’t the first time either.

I grew up with parents like this.
They’d promise us stuff and then on the day have a big row and we’d end up not going.

Why do you feel sorry for teenagers who left the kitchen in a mess and didn't get up for the agreed time?

tothelefttotheleft · 17/02/2023 13:29

Ridemeginger · 17/02/2023 12:17

Contrary to popular belief, you are actually allowed to get angry/show displeasure in justified situations. This does not make you an abuser of your partner or children or a "spoiler". This sounds like one such situation. As PP have said, go on the holiday and get away from these people. And please spend the time evaluating whether this is the life you want to live. It sounds miserable. Your partner sounds like a prize shit. You children need a cold hard dose of reality that treating people badly has consequences. Do they understand that you are ill?

I agree. Hate the expectation that woman don't show their feelings.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 13:30

What away to speak to you OP.

So dreadful.

What an awful man to be so nasty and abusive to a sick woman.

A complete piece of shit.

Have you anywhere to go?

Because packing up and taking a break from this waster should be a plan in your near future.

As for the children, start doing a lot less for them.

This stress can only be doing you harm.

endoftheworldniteclub · 17/02/2023 13:32

Your dc have to grow up a bit. There is no way in hell my children would not tidy up the kitchen after themselves.

And to @Cocobutt who thinks you should have apologised, absolutely not. Sometimes there need to be an argument for things to change. You sound knackered and at breaking point. You really do. Please take care of yourself.

ImAvingOops · 17/02/2023 13:48

He's apologised because he you called his bluff!
Agree with everyone else (bar cocobutt, who seems to be talking out of hers), that you are not the problem here.
Teens can be selfish. Yours seem to to recognised this to some degree and the threat of consequences has led them to regret their behaviour. Your dp ought to have ensured kitchen was clean and kids up and ready while you were out. The kids are watching the example he sets.
Please stop thinking this is on you, it really isn't - this is a lazy arse, selfish dp problem. I'd have lost my shit in your position too!

ManchesterGirl2 · 17/02/2023 13:50

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 12:47

And that's the worry isn't it.... until next time.

I think we need a family chat.. the children are getting older and can help more. DP (father to all the kids) needs to rebalance work/home).

I need to be clearer in what I want/expect, they need it spellbound clearly.....

My strop wasn't horrific. No blazing rage or shouting More of a not fair/tears. Not great and a good point from a few people is I need to accept and learn I don't have to be the happy one.

This sounds very wise.

I hope you enjoy your trip.

Mummyto2rugrats · 17/02/2023 13:53

Oh Lord sounds like our house last night minus the holiday. I'm sick and tired of doing stuff and it not being recognised or appreciated, DH been off sick for 3mth and when I lost it to the ungratefulness last night I got thrown at me by DS that in the last 3 months my DH has done it all and I have done nothing to which even my DH laughed and said that nope that wasn't the case your mother has still worked FT and picked up all the mental load, majority housework and majority default parent as you go to her 1st instead of me despite me sometimes being sat right next to her. This is when I literally said do you understand why I loose it I'm invisible I am doing so much and you don't recognise it and it isn't just my DS but also my CD and on occasion my DH !

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/02/2023 13:54

I'm just happy that the dog's happy :) Enjoy the break (do NOT do all the cooking) but have a serious conversation after you return.