Page 8 | Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

MaryDerry · 2023-02-17T10:58:04+00:00

Typing because I can't talk to anyone. We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning. I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it. The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday. My excuses - week has been tough for me. I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening. I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work. I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc... This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

Cornchip · 17/02/2023 16:40

butterfliedtwo · 17/02/2023 14:25

Imagine that. He was faced being alone with the kids and actually having to do things, and all of a sudden he's sorry and what's to go.

He's a twat.

Most accurate post on this thread.

He only apologised because he didn’t want to be a sole parent for the entire weekend. Much easier to “apologise” and have OP running after him on the holiday than dealing with the kids by himself.

Also he couldn’t possibly have OP having a few days off on her own, too. If he isn’t getting a holiday then no one is. And if you’re getting a holiday, then he’s coming along, too.

Wiluli · 17/02/2023 16:41

It seems to me your partner is abusive ! If he is literally throwing a tantrum and spoiling the break and knows you can’t go without him I call that abuse .

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/02/2023 16:47

Sweetheart - I wish you had gone alone (or with the dog!).

You need time to think.

They need time to realise just how much you do in the house and the relationship.

butI hope you have wonderful holiday - you deserve it. Make time to have a holiday ALONE!

Youneed time to think - they need to get their *rses into gear,

ENJOY YOURSELF

purpledalmation · 17/02/2023 16:54

I'd be inclined to go on my own, and fuck the lot of them. Ungrateful and uncaring lot.

Turtonator · 17/02/2023 16:58

At the end of your weekend I hope you'll consider marriage counselling; having a third party to listen to both sides without judgement could be a great process for you both, and benefit your family. Your partner might work hard and long hours, but your OP suggests that is at the expense of family time. If he's not willing to accept things must change, I can't see how things for you are going to get better. And if he is saying "F-Y" in front of the children that's crap for them! If so, did he apologise in front of them or just to you? His behaviour is rubbish, whatever. No amount of apology could make up for that, and it needs sorting. Might only need a session or two with someone who can hear both his point and yours to make big changes. I'm really hoping you have a great weekend, and maybe consider skipping off by yourself some other weekend to get a bit of space and perspective.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 17/02/2023 17:06

I think it's great that you said well I'm going anyway. He soon u turned. I hope you get some time to yourself as others have said. When you said you were crying earlier, I just wanted to give you a hug. I'd be demanding making sure they pull together and help you going forward. Hope you enjoy this weekend x

Justmeandthedog1 · 17/02/2023 17:09

TiaraBoo · 17/02/2023 11:39

Fuck it, take HIS car, ALL the food and the dog.

This.
Have a chilled weekend with the dog.

letthemalldoone · 17/02/2023 17:13

PrincessConstance · 17/02/2023 16:06

What has any of that got to do with having a strop?

Show quote history

Seriously???!

Are you incapable of understanding how someone ill, in pain, and taken for granted by her ungrateful family, wouldn't be at the end of her tether? Empathy much?!

Irisheyesareshining · 17/02/2023 17:17

Husband sounds like a real charmer! I would be having a strop with them all lazing around too ! Don’t be a doormat , go and enjoy your weekend 😊

newjobnewstartihope · 17/02/2023 17:28

@PrincessConstance are you okay? Seriously?

SammyScrounge · 17/02/2023 17:29

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 12:17

Why does op need to apologise??

From what she's written, she needs apologising to

Because she was the one who had a ‘huge strop’ over them over sleeping and leaving the kitchen a mess.

Yes I would be annoyed too but OP admits starting the argument so therefore it’s on her to apologise.

This is a trip that she wanted her DCs to do.
So by not going with them she is actually punishing herself.

I would apologise, have a great time and then sit down and have a family discussion when we got home.

The OP is being very much put upon by her family. To expect an apology from her would ridiculous as she did not start the ball rolling towards the row - they did by being lazy and uncooperative when they should be helping out especially when she is ill. They hadn't packed, they didn't even get up in time. Those people who didn't get ready should be left behind- they'll know the next time what to expect if they don't do their share.
If the OP had a husband who was actually good at being a husband he'd have been backing her and letting the children know how selfish they are being to their sick mother.
But it's clear none of them give a toss about how she's managing without assistance. They should all be ashamed of themselves and the OP should take off on her own and relax for a couple of days.

AdoraBell · 17/02/2023 17:35

You are not a cow. In your position I would have left for the weekend and then once home go to bed and rest because of the illness.

Leave the teenagers and their father to fend for themselves. And next time they leave mess after you’ve cleaned scoop everything into a bin bag.

Benjispruce4 · 17/02/2023 17:39

YANBU. Go on your own and leave the ungrateful lot to it! You are not a Grade A cow, they’re Grade A selfish sods.

DipsyLaLaPo · 17/02/2023 17:43

Reminds me of childhood with my mum. Us lazy arseholes would let her do everything, never helping because we were selfish and thoughtless. She never asked until it got too much and she threw a wobbler. We all then tiptoed around for a while saying sorry and being nice. Then slipped back into old habits.

I can see that we were completely awful. But I'd also say, these were formative memories for me and those wobblers have led to me living in terror of criticism so that I can't really function normally.

If we had all communicated better and worked as a family perhaps we would all be more mentally healthy today. Oh and I'm still lazy. It is innate in some people. Don't be a drudge for them.

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 17:52

The OP is being very much put upon by her family. To expect an apology from her would ridiculous as she did not start the ball rolling towards the row - they did by being lazy and uncooperative when they should be helping out especially when she is ill. They hadn't packed, they didn't even get up in time. Those people who didn't get ready should be left behind- they'll know the next time what to expect if they don't do their share.

They overslept.
It happens.

This was obviously the straw that broke the camels back for OP which is why she reacted as she did and changes definitely need to be made but it’s not fair that they all miss out on their family holiday because of a messy kitchen and over sleeping.
It wouldn’t solve the issue and it was OP that wanted them to go on this holiday and so she would have missed out the most.

And I can guarantee if her DH threw a strop because OP had overslept and not cleaned the kitchen and then went on the family holiday without her and the kids, not one person would be saying he did the right thing and good on him.

Do I understand OPs frustration - absolutely.

Do I think it’s fair to cancel a family holiday a few minutes before they’re supposed to be leaving because of a silly argument - absolutely not.

I’m glad they’ve gone on holiday as a family and I hope that they have a good talk when they’re back and changes are made.

Ofcourseshecan · 17/02/2023 17:52

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2023 13:24

Hope you have a nice time.
I'm shocked that you, suffering from leukemia, are having to deal with so much by yourself.
Going forwards, I think you need to be really clear about how tired and in pain you are, and don't just do things because 'somebody has to'. Spell out what you need other people to do, what they can no longer expect from you, and take yourself off for regular rests. It's no good saying you're tired, too tired to do something, but then carry on and do it anyway. If you are tired, say you are going to bed for a rest, and meanwhile someone will need to take the dog for a walk/do the shopping/whatever. If DH works away, he needs to find someone to take over some his home responsibilities while he is away, or to come back more frequently. He can no longer assume that you will do everything that he doesn't want to . He may need to consider getting a different job as it seems like him working away so much is no longer feasible for the family. Don't shoulder all the burden yourself.

I agree. It sounds as though you're coping very well with the leukaemia, on top of working and looking after children. But your husband should be taking more responsibility for family/household things. And damn it -- he should be a lot more caring for a wife with a serious health condition. That includes getting it through the kids' heads that mum isn't well, so don't mess her around.

letthemalldoone · 17/02/2023 18:04

Cocobutt · 17/02/2023 17:52

The OP is being very much put upon by her family. To expect an apology from her would ridiculous as she did not start the ball rolling towards the row - they did by being lazy and uncooperative when they should be helping out especially when she is ill. They hadn't packed, they didn't even get up in time. Those people who didn't get ready should be left behind- they'll know the next time what to expect if they don't do their share.

They overslept.
It happens.

This was obviously the straw that broke the camels back for OP which is why she reacted as she did and changes definitely need to be made but it’s not fair that they all miss out on their family holiday because of a messy kitchen and over sleeping.
It wouldn’t solve the issue and it was OP that wanted them to go on this holiday and so she would have missed out the most.

And I can guarantee if her DH threw a strop because OP had overslept and not cleaned the kitchen and then went on the family holiday without her and the kids, not one person would be saying he did the right thing and good on him.

Do I understand OPs frustration - absolutely.

Do I think it’s fair to cancel a family holiday a few minutes before they’re supposed to be leaving because of a silly argument - absolutely not.

I’m glad they’ve gone on holiday as a family and I hope that they have a good talk when they’re back and changes are made.

It's not my impression that it was the OP who reneged on the holiday...
"DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it."

NeedToChangeName · 17/02/2023 18:06

Hope you enjoy your trip

It's unclear if you all agreed to leave at 10am, or you imposed that

Either way, please don't think it's ok for a DP to tell you to fuck off. It really isn't ok at all. Complete lack of respect. Would he talk to his boss like that? Or his mother? And he didn't lose control etc. He chose to do that

Kate0902900908 · 17/02/2023 18:17

It sounds like you have a lot going on as a family and it’s all become a bit stressful. I’ve been there and it’s shit but it doesn’t last forever. Becoming poorly means things have to adjust it take time and I had to over a year period X

pilates · 17/02/2023 18:25

I wish you had gone on your own. You sound like you need some peace and retail therapy.

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 18:48

You sound lovely. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time in your life and not getting the support you deserve.
I think the family chat is a very good start.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 19:12

I'm surprised at how the vast majority of posters think it's ok to deal with conflict by 'throwing a huge strop'. Many posters are actually saying it's a good thing 🫤
If a man said that they dealt with anything, however 'justified' by 'throwing a huge strop'. I suspect many Mumsnetters would be saying he is abusive etc.

Whilst it may be with some reason I don't think it's ever ok to deal with things in such a explosive way especially when there are children about.

There is nothing wrong with letting people know you are angry or disappointed or whatever but that's very different from being stroppy.

It's especially wrong in this case because, according to the OP, it's because of a whole load of issues that have caused this explosion of emotion.

I think crying can be just as difficult for people to deal with as being shouted at. There are obviously times when you can't help crying but when it's tied up in a 'huge strop' then it's a lot to deal with for teens or children who might find it hard to understand why sleeping in and leaving a kitchen messy has caused such a reaction.

Benjispruce4 · 17/02/2023 19:18

No one plans to have a strop, OP is understandably tired, unwell and very disappointed with her ungrateful family. Strop recipe for sure!

Choconut · 17/02/2023 19:34

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 19:12

I'm surprised at how the vast majority of posters think it's ok to deal with conflict by 'throwing a huge strop'. Many posters are actually saying it's a good thing 🫤
If a man said that they dealt with anything, however 'justified' by 'throwing a huge strop'. I suspect many Mumsnetters would be saying he is abusive etc.

Whilst it may be with some reason I don't think it's ever ok to deal with things in such a explosive way especially when there are children about.

There is nothing wrong with letting people know you are angry or disappointed or whatever but that's very different from being stroppy.

It's especially wrong in this case because, according to the OP, it's because of a whole load of issues that have caused this explosion of emotion.

I think crying can be just as difficult for people to deal with as being shouted at. There are obviously times when you can't help crying but when it's tied up in a 'huge strop' then it's a lot to deal with for teens or children who might find it hard to understand why sleeping in and leaving a kitchen messy has caused such a reaction.

Being angry when you have leukemia and your family take the piss by making a mess when you've just cleaned, can't be bothered to set an alarm/get out of bed and can't be bothered to make sure you have a really nice break when there is absolutely no doubt the OP desperately needs it, is perfectly acceptable.

Women being angry is perfectly acceptable. The OP does not have to be kind and sweet and understanding because she is a women and should understand that it is her job to be run into the ground by the rest of her family.

She wasn't dealing with conflict, she was dealing with a bunch of people behaving like selfish arses. I see you don't have anything to say about her OH telling her to go fuck herself? Or is that acceptable because he's a man?

jemimapuddlepluck · 17/02/2023 19:47

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