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Original poster

Grade A cow - I just spoil everything

215 replies

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 10:58

Typing because I can't talk to anyone.
We (DP, and 2 of the DC's) were going away today until Monday morning.

I've had a huge strop with DP and one of the teens. Now we aren't going away. DP has told me to fuck myself and pay for it.

The strop was about them staying in bed (9.40am), not packing, leaving kitchen in a mess last night (I went to bed early) after I did a real big spring clean in it yesterday.

My excuses - week has been tough for me.
I have a type of leukemia, it's managed but this week has been tiring. My back and hips had been painful. Not able to do my daily exercise that keeps me sane. I'm so tired. I was working yesterday afternoon and juggling activities for SEN child in evening.

I do the cooking/keeping the home. I work, currently 2 jobs - back to 1 role in July. DP works away alot and does work really hard. Sometimes it feels it come before family things but that's the current nature of his work.

I'm hiding away now crying. Braving it to go and unpack the food etc...

This is a continual.pattern. I ask for assistance. They ignore, I get cross- they do it with bad grace. Now DP and I are at the "fuck it, too much effort".

OP posts:
RelentlessForwardProgress · 17/02/2023 15:09

Oh OP, what a shit your husband is, I'm so, so sorry.

He is training you to put up with so little, and when you understandably can not sit back and take it any more, he then gaslight you into thinking you've done something wrong.

He told you to fuck yourself, that the trip was off, so you were terribly upset, but then DELIBERATELY put his car in the way so that it was impossible for you to go alone without him being able to worm his way back into going, thus knowing the trip would go ahead all the time, but wanting you to be really upset thinking it wasn't first.

He is a class A manipulative bastard. You deserve so much better

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/02/2023 15:15

tootiredtospeak · 17/02/2023 11:07

Fuck him still go and either leave the kids with him or take them your choice. He doesn't get to decide what you do or dont do.

This.

In fact = go and leave the kids (take the dog if you can)

They can't won't shift themselves o help you -let them get on with it.

Have a good time - and remember it ISN'T you causing the problem.

PrincessConstance · 17/02/2023 15:19

tothelefttotheleft · 17/02/2023 13:29

I agree. Hate the expectation that woman don't show their feelings.

Show quote history

The problem with this line of thinking is. The other party may or may decide to show theirs. This doesn't always turn out the way we might expect.
In this case why the 10 o'clock deadline, teenagers are notorious for being completely self-absorbed. Just relax and set off as and when people are ready.
Or the alternative is, kick-off, everyone falls out before the holiday has even begun.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 17/02/2023 15:21

@MaryDerry did your husband tell you to f yourself in front of the kids?

Branleuse · 17/02/2023 15:34

Tell them to all go fuck themselves and go without them.
It aint you ruining it

bewilderedhedgehog · 17/02/2023 15:36

Well done you! Someone said to me many years ago (and it was very helpful) you can't choose other people's behaviour but you can choose your response. It is very empowering! I hope you have a lovely time. Try not to run around after them!

Englishash · 17/02/2023 15:42

Think you may have called their bluff when you said you were going anyway. Good on you. More of that in future. Oh and for the record - you are absolutely not a cow. Have a lovely time away, sounds like you need it and deserve it.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2023 15:48

As far as 'family chats' I always found it better to talk to DH on his own first rather than 'gather the clan' for a big discussion. The problem with the latter is if your DH 'objects' to anything you say, then the children will know he's not 'on your side' and will pit you against each other. Or worse, it'll degenerate into an argument between you and DH with the DC watching.

Have a calm (fingers crossed) adult discussion with DH about how you're feeling and what help you need from him with the family duties. Then discuss what the children need to do so you can present a united front. Once he's 'onside', then have that family chat. You'll get a lot more cooperation from the DC when both of you are on the same page.

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2023 15:51

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 17/02/2023 14:17

I don't think getting into a big strop was ok TBF. I am a punctual person but did it really matter if you were running late. Shouting and or crying can be aggressive and crying can be very manipulative.
I'd be frustrated by the messy kitchen but I'd have just made people help clear it up. It's not something to have a big strop over.

You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate though so maybe you all need to work out how things can be improved. On its own it does seem like you had a strop over something that wasn't that bad. If the strop was a result of everything building up then I still don't think that it's fair.

You commented that your husband works really hard too so it's not like you think he is lazy.

Longterm then you need to think about how being a stroppy Mum will effect your relationship with your kids. Regardless of whether your stroppiness is reasonable or not you don't want to end up with your kids being nervous of you or being worries about upsetting you.

My husband is the type of person who occasionally gets stroppy and I honestly can't stand it. I find it childish and obnoxious.

I never get stoppy. If I'm pissed off with my kids I'd talk to them in a normal way. Now that they are adults they are much closer to me than their Dad. He loves them dearly but they find me much easier to deal with. I'm also the one they go to for advice. I've always had far more 'control' and respect from them because I'm even tempered.

As you can see in this threads lots of people think it's ok to be short tempered or stroppy so you aren't alone.

Did you read the part about the OP's illness and how much she does in spite of it?

itsgettingweird · 17/02/2023 15:54

You need to go on strike!!!

First start is going away - alone!!!

When you get back do not tidy up after the mess they've left. Or do any laundry they haven't done or washing up etc.

Eat from your own stuff and clean that and pack away. Keep it somewhere they can't get at it. Do your own washing etc and just buy basic food and keep any treats for you hidden.

The only way people see what someone else does for them when they can't see or appreciate it - is to be shown. And that's shown via actions.

If anyone comments you can just keep repeating something like "well you didn't want me nagging or to stick to plans so now you've got what you want"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/02/2023 15:55

I agree you need a family talk when you get back.
BUT - I'd talk to the kids on their own and DP on his own.
It's two entirely separate issues and the waters shouldn't get muddy.
part 1
They are kids and just need reminding or learning to rethink the situation. They are the ones that hugged you and wanted you to feel better.

Part 2
He is your unsupportive partner who helped fuel the argument and was abusive about it too. Then parking in your space, blocking your car in.

He was there and knew they needed to get up, He's the adult. He ought to have done something. He is simply not pulling his weight and he is not treating you with any respect.
You are not a cow.
He's completely out of order.
And the fact that he speaks to you like that in front of your DC is dreadful and needs addressing.
What does he do to lessen your burden, considering your illness?
He needs to start paying for a cleaner for one, if he can't help you clean up out of his pocket. People place more value on things they have to pay for... then they will all have to pick up their crap before the cleaner arrives and will be more used to things being organised. It will take some of the strain off you.
I'm sure there's other practical things you can think of. Taking turns walking the dog/feeding the dog/picking up dog poo - all spring to mind.

Like I said, its two very different issues and needs to be dealt with separately. You can't tar them all with the same brush. They need guidance. He needs a complete rethink

I hope you have a good weekend and manage to carve out some time for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2023 15:55

Oh, and you are NOT a cow. You're an over-tired woman with a health condition who is just trying to keep it together. IMHO, your family are a bunch of lazy shits who expect to be waited on. Now, you may have contributed to it by doing everything (holds hand up here, 'me too'), but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to get fed up and say 'enough!!'.

Floppyelf · 17/02/2023 16:01

Go anyway OP! On your own. I think in this circumstance i would dump dc and dp. They are clearly birds of a feather. Your deserve some respite and to put yourself first.

BlueSeaWave · 17/02/2023 16:06

Im glad you’ve gone, sorry its not on your own!
you are not a grade A cowl you are someone carrying the load for everyone and that isn’t fair or a family. Times like this people are better off on their own. Whilst you’re away, book a genuine weekend away for just you, leave DH to it to see how it is on his own, hell either carry on or realise he needs ti step up and you need taken care of,

PrincessConstance · 17/02/2023 16:06

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2023 15:51

Did you read the part about the OP's illness and how much she does in spite of it?

Show quote history

What has any of that got to do with having a strop?

Magicpaintbrush · 17/02/2023 16:08

I agree with the majority of poster on here OP - how dare your husband treat you like that? How dare he tell you to go fuck yourself when you do so much for him and the kids, without any help by the sounds of it, and all when you are so ILL. Hell would freeze over before my DH would speak to me like that. You've got leukemia and this is how your family are treating you? WTAF is the matter with them? And they've got you thinking you're in the wrong for being upset about it - just NO. No, no, no. What a bunch of lazy, selfish shits. I'm so sorry they hurt you and made you doubt yourself. This is not okay whatsoever.

PalmLady · 17/02/2023 16:08

Imagine someone booking and planning a holiday, sorting all the food and all you need to do is throw your own clothes in a bag and go. Sounds like bliss to me.

I hope you have a lovely time away OP. You do deserve better and I honestly hope you realise it after this.

Mix56 · 17/02/2023 16:11

I hope you manage to have "the talk", please don't run around after them, Holidays are for everyone. & you need "time out",
You are not a cow, you are not appreciated, your H is lazy, not supportive or respecting all the work you do to for the family.
He completely took the piss, & put the blame on you.
Gaslighting piece of shit.

Ridemeginger · 17/02/2023 16:13

OP has been manipulated. I'm sickened by the "D"P and DC, hugs or no hugs. I'm struggling to understand the mentality of anyone who would describe themself as a decent person (whether adult male or teenager), who knows their loved one has cancer and has worked hard to get just about everything prepared for this trip, and is unable to contribute the very bare minimum to help. If they didn't want to go in the first place, they should have said so. Clearly they did, they just didn't want to lift a finger, or, god forbid, adjust their own precious timetables.

And I'm struggling to understand posters who think a woman who is ill with cancer, holding down 2 jobs, dealing with lazy teenagers (who should be old enough to have some sense of personal responsibility), and who is doing all the wife work, should also summon up the super human strength to keep an even temper with the lazy fuckers surrounding her.

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/02/2023 16:23

How disappointing. It doesn’t sound like you are being well supported at home.

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/02/2023 16:25

MaryDerry · 17/02/2023 12:47

And that's the worry isn't it.... until next time.

I think we need a family chat.. the children are getting older and can help more. DP (father to all the kids) needs to rebalance work/home).

I need to be clearer in what I want/expect, they need it spellbound clearly.....

My strop wasn't horrific. No blazing rage or shouting More of a not fair/tears. Not great and a good point from a few people is I need to accept and learn I don't have to be the happy one.

Yes, sensible idea. Family meeting, fully supported by husband, to set expectations with real consequences if they are not met. They need to step up.

bananaAgogo · 17/02/2023 16:29

You aren't a cow, you sound very stressed.
Make this the last time you arrange to go anywhere with them. Take a holiday with a friend instead

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2023 16:34

PrincessConstance · 17/02/2023 16:06

What has any of that got to do with having a strop?

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Really? So:
She has leukaemia
She pretty much does everything
She asked for a little bit of co-operation so they can have a family holiday
She is ignored so nothing is ready to go except what she has done
She is upset and shares that upset via a very mild 'strop'
And her partner tells her to Fuck Off

And then, when he realises she's going anyway and leaving him and the kids, they all apologise?

You think she's in the wrong?

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2023 16:35

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/02/2023 16:25

Yes, sensible idea. Family meeting, fully supported by husband, to set expectations with real consequences if they are not met. They need to step up.

Show quote history

Supported by the person who so far, isn't supporting her?

Crumpleton · 17/02/2023 16:37

You sounded like you were at the end of your tether.

Must say though you handled that so well, despite your DP telling you to F off and blocking your car in, despite you locking yourself away and having a cry you rose above it came back
and asked him to move his car so you could carry on regardless.

You must have burst his bubble.

I can imagine his mind was thinking 'oh not supposed to happen'
I hope your DP now realises, and takes it in, that you've got a mind of your own and when needed aren't afraid to use it.

Maybe when you're back do have a chat about feeling ignored when asking for a bit of help, not just from your DP but also DC when needed.

Really hope you have a wonderful break, the weather is kind and your aches and pains ease off...💐

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