Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

The message you are putting out is absolutely enough is enough.

Sounds like you are beginning the process of splitting up and going your own way with your kids.
All the best and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas OP x

Good for you. Too many women carry the mental load for too long. He’s an adult and if he wants cheese he knows where the shops are.

I understand what you are trying to do here and I absolutely applaud it. If you haven't can I suggest you tell him that he should look through the fridge and check to see if there is anything he wants get he needs to go and get it today. That way he doesn't realise on Christmas day and make everyone have a miserable Xmas day.

He's an adult, you don't need to provide him with a map so he can find the fridge. Nor with instructions on how to operate the door handle. What will you see at the Cinema, I haven't been in ages (derails thread )

We are about to watch the muppets Christmas Carol. Dh went to bed early last night. I texted him the cinemas times as he was up early collecting the eldest from his night shift. He read it but didn't reply and went back to bed. So I left him still in bed.

Tbf it's saved me a small fortune

If you want to split up that’s fine, but if you want to be with him you need to talk.

I did tell him I wanted help with shopping. He said we would do it together. He said last weekend we would do it this week. But there's been no suggestions of what day and I'm fed up of chasing him. Besides I have what I want anyway. I'd only be chasing him to get what he wants which seems pointless to me. But I am cheesed off that it's all been left to me to sort

Maybe he's just knackered from working those night shifts. Probably forgot like men do. Do you really begrudge buying him some nice cheese. You sound bitter and miserable.

Oh. He works nights?

As a fellow night shift worker I can honestly say that I check out of life itself due to nights.

I thank my lucky stars for my wonderful dh who takes over with complete understanding and patience!
literally I have zero energy to do anything other than shower and force myself to eat most days.

I feel the same OP, I found myself wondering this morning why I do it all abd make a martyr of myself over it all.
I mollycoddle and mother him to the point where he doesn't need to do it himself so I am partially responsible.
My new years resolution is to only do what I and the kids need- he's and adult and I need to let him do that.

I think she meant that her eldest works night shifts and her husband went to pick him up, in the early morning after her finished??
I haven’t read your previous posts OP but you sound like you’re at the end of your tether. I hope you and your kids enjoy Christmas, without any drama

Tell him this is what we have for Christmas food. He may go out and get extras off his own bat. He may. Or he may ask why you haven't got xxx. Or he may be perfectly happy with what you have. His reaction will tell you what to do next.

A bit late now, but try snd make pure easy for both you. On line shopping. Both good and gifts is your friend.

None of that made sense. I'll try again-😂

A bit late now, but try and make life easy for both of you. Online shopping for both food and gifts is your friend.

My husband does the grocery shop, he knows what I like and just picks it up without any 'engagement' on my part. Isn't that what most people do?
I think you've chosen a weird hill to die on tbh.
If his behaviours shitty in other or all areas then that's different and you need to decide where you go from here.

This.

If I don’t get told specifics I just buy whatever cheese/drinks/pate he normally enjoys, it’s literally picking up half a dozen items as I walk down a supermarket aisle anyway. It seems weirdly tit for tat/score keeping to buy breakfast for me and the kids and not him! I can’t understand how buying food for Christmas requires two competent adults to “engage” with it or how you need help grocery shopping (unless you have a disability) - it’s hardly putting on a state banquet.

I don't know what Christmas food is in. I don't get involved in food purchasing 99% of the time. Whatever DH has bought will be grand. There's no specific food I want or anything I will feel is missing. Maybe he feels the same.

I'm not sure about the back story here, but I always shop with everyone in mind. I've got my husbands favourite beers and snacks. He works shifts too, which have been busy. He has been too tired to care about Christmas too. It just seems unnecessary to deliberately not buy foods, he likes? Sounds like you're going through a rocky patch, and trying to show him that you don't care about him?

Guessing there's a huge backstory OP?

Otherwise it's not a very friendly way to behave to your spouse.

So instead of talking about it you've just decided to not buy him any food?

I don't know about anyone else but my dh doesn't get involved in absolutely anything to do with Christmas.
I do the shopping, food shop, cards, decorations, sort the kids xmas activities etc. He just turns up and gives me the money for everything 😂
He likes Christmas just not all the fuss and prep. He knows I do a fab job of organising it all myself.
Maybe your dh knows its taken care of so has taken a back seat?

It sounds like you are trying to start a war here. Honestly, if you are at a stage in your relationship where you are trying to hurt the person you are married to by not buying him cheese, then it's time to split up and live your lives apart from each other.

She has talked to him about it. She said she wanted help with the shopping. He still waited for her to take charge on when and where etc. It's exhausting. OP I don't blame you

I’ve been feeling fed up of carrying the whole load for Christmas but I’ve now got covid and can’t do anything and my partner has stepped up, showing that we are a team. I carry him when he’s shattered (really busy few months at work) and he carries me back.

so, you are not being unreasonable but only if he’s a thoughtless dick all year round, and it’s not just a one-off.

Stuff like this is quite petty and no need especially at christmas all you are doing is ultimately creating an atmosphere, have you actually spoke to him about it, rather than just expecting him to know?