Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

209 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 24/12/2022 10:19

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

OP posts:
NaturalBae · 24/12/2022 14:33

Apologies OP; I read your post as though it was your DH was the one working night shifts, not your Son.

Regardless, if I were you - I would suck it up for your DC by buying what DH likes for Xmas today on your way home from McDonalds, to ensure your DC have a relatively nice Xmas atmosphere tomorrow, as the tension between you and your DH most be awful for your DC.

What are the ages of your DC?

Have a proper talk with DH after Xmas with a view to divorcing if he can’t or won’t try to get his act together.
All the best.

tillytoodles1 · 24/12/2022 14:35

I used to do all the Christmas food shopping myself. We both liked the same stuff, so I'd just get some whiskey and beer for him on top of all the rest.

AndEverWhoKnew · 24/12/2022 14:39

I admire the principle behind what you're doing ie refusing to do wife work and carry the mental load but I think (maybe because you're new to this) you've missed some key steps.
You're writing a thread about it on MN. You've been waiting all week. You 'thought' he would mention it yesterday or today - that's all still mental load. You've just swapped one mental load for another with an added uncertainty of whether cheesegate will ruin everyone's Christmas.
If, for example, you had said 'I'm going food shopping on Tues at 4pm - I don't know what you want and I'm not buying for you so you can either do your own shopping or come with me'. Everyone knows where they stand and you've not micro-managed him. You've chosen the time you're going shopping and informed him of the fact. Then you go shopping. You buy what you want. He either comes or doesn't but there's no wasting days wondering if he's going to arrange it, wondering if he realises this is the year you're doing it differently, worrying about whether cheesegate derails Christmas and there's no need for MN threads.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Christmas
Itsthewhitehat · 24/12/2022 14:42

So he is usually fine. This Christmas he has not been his usual self? You you decided he needed teaching a lesson?

Do knows what food I like. The kids like, the kids aren’t even his. If he decides not buy certain things because he deemed me as ‘not engaged enough’ for one short period, I would think he was an arse, tbh

CosyScentedCandles · 24/12/2022 14:43

I’ve read the whole thread and on balance I think you are being petty too OP.

I did two online shops for Christmas. In those shops I put things I have no interest in, like Twiglets, because I know DH likes to have them at Christmas. It really wasn’t any more effort.

If you normally do these things it’s unreasonable to expect your husband to suddenly know that you won’t be doing them this year without telling him.

I am doing all the xmas prep. DH has been consigned to cleaning the bathrooms and changing the bed sheets ready for his parents tomorrow.

Sounds like you two just need to communicate more and agree a division of labour.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/12/2022 14:46

I cannot imagine what sort of Christmas we would have if I left it to DH. To be honest I think he has been to the supermarket with me about twice in 35 years. It is far better without him there.

Also if you go anyway, is it actually an issue to put what he likes in the basket?

DH does not annoy me though, possibly because I have never let him annoy me. He has also rendered other compensations to the relationship which make his endearing pernickety little ways palatable.

ZeppelinTits · 24/12/2022 14:48

You need to communicate with him rather than sulking via the medium of cheese. It's not going to help.

In your situation I would have said breezily at some point in the last few days, right I've got x items for christmas food, I'll leave <insert name of essential things> up to you. Okay? And made sure I got a verbal acknowledgement and some eye contact. Or done it via text and insisted on a reply confirming he would be getting x items. Then left him to it.
You haven't been clear enough that the goalposts have moved and your expectations have changed. At this point you are just shooting yourself and the rest of your family in the foot, for no reason. Communicate! If he is hopeless and you are at the end of your rope, communicate in a counselling session with the two of you and a shrewd, impartial counsellor. But don't just shut down and stop talking. It won't help and your kids will have a crap Christmas.

ChicCroissant · 24/12/2022 14:52

Tbh, when it gets to the kind of point scoring that the OP talks about here I tend to think a relationship is doomed anyway, but the mental load the OP is referring to I think is a self-inflicted one caused by playing mind games such as 'I wonder if he'll notice he hasn't got any cheese this year'. It doesn't come across as him checking out, it's you that has checked out OP.

thelobsterquadrille · 24/12/2022 14:53

You need to communicate with him rather than sulking via the medium of cheese.

😂

Folklore9074 · 24/12/2022 14:55

All those saying that she might as well have got his stuff too are really missing the point. OP I really get you wanting to check out of the mental load.

BatshitBanshee · 24/12/2022 14:55

I don't think I would have done this and I think instead of communicate you've swung wildly in the other direction. There was a middle ground here and to deliberately exclude the things he likes it's very, very passive aggressive and tbh I mostly wouldn't have done it because I wouldn't want an air around the kids. I've seen the outcomes of kids who grew up with parents in silent wars and it's not pretty.

I did three shops this week, all online and for every single one I said to DH "last chance saloon, anything you want me to add?" it's not hard. It's communication. But I also find it out why you're not asking him or confronting him about disengaging?

AndEverWhoKnew · 24/12/2022 14:56

You haven't checked out of the mental load if you've spent weeks thinking about it and are posting threads on MN!

I'm starting to think certain posters on this thread are just trying to take the piss out of wife work and mental load by being as dysfunctional as possible.

LimeCheesecake · 24/12/2022 14:57

I think I remember your other threads on this - if I recall you are a SAHM with a disabled child and a busy family life, but while you do the weekly shop anyway, and bought all the main food for Christmas, wanted to make a drama about extra treats for him - which seem pretty consistent with every other year.

Im not sure why you’ve decided to make a stand about this now - there does seem to be a backstory that’s not come up on either thread. I don’t understand the obsession with the extra treats for him having to be bought separately from all the other food, needing it’s only special outing.

it does seem to be you are very angry about this, and it’s not clear why when food shopping is your job in the way you split normal family chores.

Try to work out exactly why this upsets you so much and talk to him about it.

EL8888 · 24/12/2022 14:57

An impressive turn out of people minimising and dismissing OP’s frustrations. Why should she do all the thinking, planning and organising? He knows it’s Christmas and what his food / drink likes are. He can’t be that busy he can’t pop down the supermarket?!

It must be lovely having someone else catering to all of your whims. I don’t get that and l don’t see why the OP’s husband should get that

BatshitBanshee · 24/12/2022 14:58

ChicCroissant · 24/12/2022 14:52

Tbh, when it gets to the kind of point scoring that the OP talks about here I tend to think a relationship is doomed anyway, but the mental load the OP is referring to I think is a self-inflicted one caused by playing mind games such as 'I wonder if he'll notice he hasn't got any cheese this year'. It doesn't come across as him checking out, it's you that has checked out OP.

This, a million times this. You almost sound like your point scoring yourself or spoiling for an argument by saying he hasn't asked/noticed whatever - you almost sound disappointed that he hasn't asked you just to give you a reason to let fly. Your DH probably knows well enough not to confront you because he knows what you're doing and doesn't want to bite. All of this sounds toxic and you just inflamed this by being very petty.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2022 14:58

I am also assuming there are other underlying issues here. Him not being that interested in the Christmas food shop is neither unusual nor any big deal, IMO.

Mind you I know a lot of people like to plan stuff with military precision. I remember an ex of mine always wanted to plan and debate and discuss and recap every detail of things and the more he went on about it the less I could give a shit. And the less I could give a shit, I think, the harder he tried to get me to engage with deciding in advance which train we should go on, or which shelf we should get, or should we buy 2 litres of milk if we're going away in 1.5 days. And when I said "Seriously, I. DON'T. CARE." He would be like, "well don't complain when the 10:30 train is overcrowded, or you don't like the shelf..." And indeed I did not complain because I truly did not find any of these things interesting or important.

All that to say, he probably doesn't care what food you have in. He will eat something, and if you literally have no cheese or wine, he can get some from a shop.

Dartmoorcheffy · 24/12/2022 14:59

Sounds like it's going to be a miserable few days in the house. Just buy the bloody food you know he likes and then go on strike in January. Don't spoil Christmas for the kids with the inevitable bad atmosphere that purposely not getting him any food will cause.

FinallyFluid · 24/12/2022 15:02

This is quite the hill to die on.

I get that you feel like white noise, I will post a link to an Imelda May song which probably nails exactly how you are feeling.

"Should've Been You"
I could tell you all the things I do for you
But it's no surprise and you just roll your eyes and say
"Here we go again, she's gonna moan again"
I should spare your love, just a thing or two
But you don't disguise it when I'm just white noise
And it's done before it begins, 'cause your temper's getting thin
But there's just one thing that I wanna know
Just one little thing before I go
Before I go
It's who takes care of me?
Tell me who takes care of me?
Should've been you
Should've been you
Do you realise? No you never will
'Cause your head's held high and you got your pride
I got a little of mine still
Yeah the bit you couldn't kill
I'll never blame you and I always will
I can't explain it but it hurts like Hell
And I'm feeling so alone
Yeah I'm lonely to the bone
But there's just one thing that I wanna know
Just one little thing before I go
Before I go
It's who takes care of me?
Tell me, who takes care of me?
Should've been you
Oh!
Should've been you
Oh!
And I'm angry
And I'm sad
I'm the best thing, that you ever had
All I wanted, was your touch
But you told me, what I wanted was just too much
Oh, who takes care of me?
Tell me, who takes care of me?
Should've been you
Oh! Should've been you
Should've been you

BUT TODAY IS NOT THE DAY to make a stand, your children will remember this forever.

NaturalBae · 24/12/2022 15:04

OP - Can you list any other things/tasks/childcare responsibilities/boring and tedious household chores that your DH is disinterested in?

Is he generally disengaged in regard to almost everything else?

Do he do any life admin, paying bills, organising holidays, school admin, school runs, etc? Even occasionally? Ever?

Does he take Annual Leave from work to spend quality time on days out with you and the kids during school holidays? If so, do you have to ask him to or is it ever his idea?

toffeeapple77 · 24/12/2022 15:04

If you liked him you'd add his cheese etc to your shopping. Why does it have to be a joint expedition? Presuming you don't like him very much any more and it's not about Xmas snacks

AndEverWhoKnew · 24/12/2022 15:04

I love that song and I'm really disappointed you've linked it with cheesegate in my head Xmas Sad

Arniesleftleg · 24/12/2022 15:04

I had 'the chat' with my husband the other day. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I would no longer be putting up with doing everything. Don't get me wrong, he works hard, but so do it so I shouldn't be doing everything else. I think our chat was probably the lowest point in our otherwise happy marriage, and It seems to have hit home, but we will see if it continues after Christmas. /I refuse to let it carry on.

WimbyAce · 24/12/2022 15:05

We share all the load for Christmas. I have said from day 1 I wouldn't do the present buying, cards etc for other half's family. Decorations we do between us and the kids. Kids wrapping we set aside 1 night and do it together. Food shopping I pick up bits and bobs when I am doing my normal food shops. If he wants anything else he will pick it up. He is responsible for Elf on the shelf. No way would I be doing it all on my own, is too much on top of normal day to day stuff.

PlacidPenelope · 24/12/2022 15:08

Its a food shop not rocket science.

Buying Christmas food is really not mental load.

Agree, it's hardly mentally taxing when you know what food and drink people enjoy at Christmas to put them in the trolley whilst putting in what everyone else in the family enjoys, it is rather spiteful.

Other stuff around Christmas are taxing and take up a lot of headspace, pushing a trolley around a supermarket or clicking on items on an on-line shop are not.

Plus you say this is the first time your husband has been somewhat disengaged with Christmas @IncessantNameChanger and instead of finding out why that might be you are just playing petty, nasty games.

Flapjackquack · 24/12/2022 15:09

I am fully supportive of not taking on the full mental load and in our house we do share it. However you say this is new this year. If my husband suddenly checked out of something he normally engages with and enjoys I’d be worried about him and he would me. I would be trying to communicate with him and find out what was going on.