Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

I haven't read the previous post so no idea if it's way worse than what's been said here but I really wouldn't get worked up about this.

I do the food shop every week with no input from partner. I did the Xmas food shop without him too. I've also bought all of the Xmas presents for the kids and he has no idea what they are.

But he is a good person, is grateful that I do it etc.

If he's not a total twat in other ways then fair enough but I really would let it go.

There's quite clearly a huge backstory here. The OP has stated she's tired of carrying the mental load, she's communicated about shopping and cinema times and he's basically ignored her. I don't think she's suddenly 'being mean' to her OH for fun.

It is time to leave when you get to this stage OP. I did it January 8th 2022 and we're both happier for it now. No kids involved though. Merry Christmas to you and the children!

Oh I've just read through your post again... Scrap everything I've just said if you've spoken to him already leave him to be a Christmas arsehole

This one must be all about the backstory.

I have a feeling 2023 might be a rocky year, but I hope it brings changes that make you happier.

Reads like two people may have checked-out here.

As long as you've told him then it is on his shoulders.

Is there something else going on with him? It could be that he has already mentally checked out of family life.

I have to say that I certainly take more delight in planning (especially around food) than my OH and if he was distracted with something he wouldn't play a part in any of the planning, but then again he wouldn't complain if there was something missing on Xmas day.

Have a very restful Xmas and enjoy the cinema OP.

OP does he suffer with depression currently, or maybe in the past?

I know husbands can be lazy twonks, and I'm just a stranger on the Internet but sometimes ot can be something more x

There must be more to it than what he likes to eat at Christmas. Another one here that does all the Christmas shopping and simply just picks up what I know my DH likes. Why did you need to go shopping together? I prefer doing it alone. It’s quicker and less people getting in the way in the supermarket.

My DH owns and runs two businesses inclu. eves and weekends and I work PT, so I don’t expect him to get involved in everything involving Christmas prep. It was his idea to get the Christmas trees out a few weeks ago, and he did on a Sunday and then left the DC to put the trees up and decorate as he had to go to work for a few hours. We discuss the main meats that we’ll be cooking and that’s about it in terms of discussing Xmas food together. A bit late, but he took the DC Christmas shopping to buy my Xmas gifts yesterday.

Working nights must be tough. But, only you know your DH has completely checked out is leaving you to take on the mental load of absolutely everything. He sounds depressed or just very tired. You obviously sound like you’ve had enough too.

You need to talk, preferably today so you can a half decent Xmas with your DC tomorrow.

Does he still work nights? If so I think you’re massively unreasonable expecting him to get involved in ‘day’ activities. This is why people in your last thread were asking you to use delivery options.

He works nights. That’s why he isn’t involved or engaged in the day. She left that part out conveniently

”probably forgot like men do”

its the season of goodwill so I am not going to comment on this one.

Happy Christmas.

To me, whether this is fair or not depends on (1) whether you’ve always bought the things he likes in the past and (2) whether you told him you wouldn’t this year.

If you’ve previously bought everything and just silently decided not to do so on principle this time around I think it’s a bit harsh, I wouldn’t blindside him on Christmas Day. If, on the other hand, you’ve said something along the lines of “I know I usually get things for you but I’m fed up of doing everything so this year if you don’t do it you don’t get it” then that’s totally fair enough.

Absolutely infuriating ending up doing everything - DC would have no presents at all and no one would be fed if I’d left it to DH.

You're a better person than me @viques

I am going to comment on @QueenieL1 post

If only women/mothers had that bloody luxury of being able to forget, take it easy, defer all responsibility etc etc

By the way, I worked nights. I didn't disengage or switch off

he was up early collecting the eldest from his night shift
The eldest is on night shift, not the husband.

It sounds like you are both not great at communicating so theres this silent war going on. Do you know how corrosive it is for a kid to grow up in that? When their parents won't adult up? Sure, I get he is a dick. But maybe ask, explain, discuss. Maybe depressed, maybe suicidal, maybe lost hope, maybe worn out, maybe sick of passive agressive pettinness from you. I get that you are pissed off but really this is not a great place to start making changes.

Our son works nights, not dh. He is free every evening and weekend to buy food. We normally go together every year but this year he has just seemed disinterest and checked out from Christmas preparations.

I don't think he is interested which is up to him, but it leaves all the prep to me. I've asked him repeatedly over December. Do maybe he just doesn't want to get his Christmas usual? It's more that I'm doing it on my own. Or I could disengage and there would be no Christmas prep

As others said, unless there is a huge back story, this is very petty and mean.

If he works nights then probably as PP say totally knackered! Surely just some ham or whatever he may like? Is he like this with other things holidays and so on.Need to talk about it

You have listed what he likes so I’m not sure why you need his engagement. Obviously you have bigger problems and this is symptom of that. DH hasn’t engaged with buying Xmas food or presents, I have done it all, it’s not really a two person job and he does other things. We each have our own tasks and we get on with them, if he tried to engage me in the ins and outs of his tasks I would tell him to just get on with it, I’m busy with my stuff. You don’t have to do everything together but clearly you feel he isn’t pulling his weight. It seems quite petty but perhaps you are done and that’s indeed the point.

Is buying a bit of cheese a mental load? I just do an order online and let Sainsbury's sort it out.

The spirit of Christmas is certainly alive and well. If life is truly this miserable I think it is unfair to have kids living in this sort of atmosphere.

I agree with this.

The atmosphere in your home won't be pleasant OP, and your kids will no doubt be picking up on it (no matter how much you think they won't be.)

You and your DH need to have a serious conversation. You're either staying together, need to communicate better and share the mental load. Or you make preparations to separate.

It's quite clearly not about the cheese!

If you have reached the stage of getting satisfaction from the thought your husband will be without the food he likes at Christmas (and I'm not saying you're wrong) I think you're in trouble. When people drive us to the point where we enjoy being petty and mean to them, it's pretty much game over I think.

There's no atmosphere. I'm out at macdonalds with the kids after the cinema. I have asked him all month. I was expecting him to say he wanted to buy stuff last night or today but nothings been mentioned. No massive back sorry or drama. I'm just fed up of the mental load of organising everything and not getting help yor this when I asked for it.

I think this is quite petty and mean tbh. I usually sort all the Christmas food, it’s more efficient that way. Id never whinge and deliberately exclude my partner by not buying the things they usually have and I know they want because of “lack of engagement”? You have DC so obviously you’ve been together long enough that you don’t really need him to come to you every year with a list and say pretty please. It’s almost like you are relishing the moment when he realises what a cold hearted thing you have done. It’s going to blow a hole in your relationship.

We normally go together every year but this year he has just seemed disinterest and checked out from Christmas preparations. You have zero concern for him…and haven’t even asked him whether he’s feeling stressed or depressed or overwhelmed by Christmas this year. Its all about how he is inconveniencing you, and you are having to do it alone- when it really isn’t a two person job anyway!