Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

If you’ve gone Christmas food shopping for the family then it does seem mean to deliberately leave out things you know he likes. What’s the point of that? If there are problems in the marriage and you are fed up of him, sort them out but I still think it’s petty to refuse to buy him many food.

It's a good thing I'm not doing Xmas this year. After the last month working 6 days a week in the NHS I'm too fucked even to go to the shops. I'll be eating off the shelf cauliflower cheese tomorrow in bed. Luckily DS is grown up and doing Xmas elsewhere this year and I don't have a partner. If I did nights I wouldn't even be doing that.

OP is it just Christmas and just this Christmas or is he always like this.

If it's just this Christmas and not others I'd be concerned about him tbh maybe somethings bothering him and I certainly wouldn't be nagging him about it when in reality none of it really matters.

If it's always like this in all aspects then have a word

I read your post earlier and just thought it was so petty and passive agressive.
What a lovely atmosphere there will be over the next few days. Instead of opening your mouth and saying i ve bought xyz if you want xyz you ll need to go to the shop. Its a food shop not rocket science.

He has helped with Christmas you said.He went and finished the kids present shopping and wrapped them yesterday you said.

My dh did the Christmas food shop this year. I did it last year some years we do it together. I dont expect to hold his hand tell him what to buy. We know what each other likes what the kids like. Who ever does it buys all of it. If he came home and had left out half the stuff I like because I didn't sit down plan exactly what he should buy and when he should do it I would be so pissed of.

Why on Earth wouldn't you just have a conversation in which you try and get to the bottom of whether you should remain married?

Buying Christmas food is really not mental load. Not buying it is making a point that the entire household will experience over the next few days.

Yes, it seems he's checked out. Call an armistice for two days, then get the divorce ball rolling.

If you've reached the point where you buy the food everyone likes except for your husband, who you deliberately exclude, you shouldn't be together. You should leave way before the point where your kids will see that one member of their family is excluded.

I was expecting him to say he wanted to buy stuff last night or today but nothings been mentioned.

Do you think he will be bothered about not having all his favourite foods in, though?

Some people care a lot about that stuff and some people really don't and will eat whatever's there, so I wonder if he expected you to have run around getting all of his things despite the fact he wasn't prepared to help you, or whether he genuinely isn't bothered about special Christmas food and can't see what all the fuss is about?

I guess time will tell which it is.

She's done everything else AND she's looking after the kids. He can buy his own cheese.

Everyone in the house asks Alexa to add it to the shopping list. Easy. Whoever goes shopping can access the list

I have asked him, repeatedly, all month. We normally do it together. Having to nag or beg is new this year. I don't want to nag or beg.

He doesn't work nights. Our son does.

It's the fact that we normally do these things together. How many times do I need to ask? I'm talking. He is agreeing but not following through. Yes let's go next weekend. But it's next weekend now. Not really up for asking him again.

Yes I think he has checked out of family life. I told him I was struggling to cope with all the prep. Heaves soothing noises and doesn't offer up a solution. I don't want to say "right today at 2pm if your free and it suits you, please go out and buy whatever extra you need for Christmas". It makes me feel like he is another child. I'm not micromanaging him.

Strangely my H does bugger all housework wise in the year but is extraordinarily engaged pre Xmas - food, presents , decorations etc

That sounds really petty.

Are you not worried that something may be wrong if this isn’t usual for him? Have you asked why he has lost interest? Why he’s so tired?

Maybe he genuinely isn't bothered.

DH will eat festive food if I buy it in, but he's not bothered if I don't and wouldn't go out and buy it himself - just because he doesn't care about that kind of thing.

Is he OK?

What does he contribute to the house?

He doesn't work nights, their son does .

I know you resent having to do it all yourself but you did the shopping for you and the kids so it wouldn’t have been going out of your way much at all to put a few things he likes in the trolley. I just don’t see the point. And unless the kids are very small, there must be an atmosphere in your home and that’s not nice for them over Christmas.

OP - are you really sure you want to do this?

From your posts, he is involved with family life, has helped with a christmas preparations and there is no history of him not pulling his weight. It is hard to see what he has done to deserve such petty and childish behavour.

If you continue like this, next Christmas your big argument will be who gets the kids on Christmas day.

How childish. If you’re doing the family Christmas shop, the cheese is there…just grab one. Its mean and petty to be like “get your own cheese”

Well you haven’t even bothered to ask if he is ok this year, you’ve just made up your mind he’s a piece of shit. You’ve engineered what will probably be the worst Christmas your DC will remember from their childhood. Congratulations on priming a hand grenade that is all set to go off tomorrow.

HE DOESN’T WORK NIGHTS, DS WORKS NIGHTS. For all those so concerned about the poor DH night worker.

I've read some of your comments on the other post, and this.

I actually think you're being a bit unreasonable tbh. By the way you're reacting you'd think he's a lazy bum who does nothing but based on your previous comments he actually does a fair share of the day to day stuff and has helped with some of the Christmas stuff too, it's not like you've done 99% and asking him to do the 1%.

Hell your DH does way more than mine! I think you're being really petty. Buy the bloke some cheese and stop making Christmas into a war about who has done what.

...your DH has had a massive change in behaviour and demeanor and is disengaged in something he usually enjoys, and instead of being concerned and making sure he's OK, you've decided to be deeply petty and bitch about him online.

Why is it OP’s fault if this is the WORST EVER Christmas for her DH (who have just been treated to the cinema and are tucking into a Maccy D)? If DH kicks off because he doesn’t have the pate that he didn’t buy for himself or ask for I think WORST EVER Christmas histrionics can be laid at his feet.

Interested to know if DH asked how she is and how she is coping what with having to do everything herself.

How is this going to work, OP, there is food for you and the kids but not for him?

won’t he then just eat “your” food? Will there be enough?

This “mental load” shite is so tedious, especially with regards to Christmas.

What it seems to generally mean, on here anyway, is that one spouse doesn’t give a shit about the thing that the other one is obsessed with.