Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

What an unhappy Christmas you’re creating for your family OP, maybe a change in your attitude would create a happier atmosphere, surely this could be sorted at another time but definitely not on Christmas Eve.

OP
I haven't seen your previous post about your DH but is it possible he just doesn't want the whole Xmas thing?

obviously he has no right to complain about whatever cheese etc he doesn't have but as someone who would rather not bother with it, I thought perhaps maybe he's the same?

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

You say yourself he's sorted presents and spent all of yesterday wrapping, so it's not like he's sat on his arse drinking beer while you run around like a blue-arsed fly

Refusing to buy him food he likes when you're shopping anyway just because he hasn't suggested a day/time to go the supermarket is really petty and underhand, to be honest - actually quite unpleasant really.

I could understand not making a special trip just to buy him his favourite food, but I actually think the way you've gone about it is quite nasty.

I’m with you OP, I do the Christmas shop, I asked what my husband wanted. So he told me, we discussed meals, planned stuff. It was a joint effort.

I would feel a bit miffed if I had started the conversation several times and given the brush off / totally disengaged.

Erm.... you are punishing him for not taking an interest in the Christmas food shopping??

I think the only person you has any interest in the food shop is the one buying it. My partner hasn't got a clue what I have bought in for Christmas, he probably doesn't know what meat we are having or dessert.

I don't get it .....

@thelobsterquadrille - is that on another thread? I didn’t see he’d done all the presents and wrapping. That is much more involved than the food shopping.

I get it if you wasn't going to shop and relying on him to go and he refused.

But you went shopping and actively didn't get stuff you know your husband would like/ want.

It's the first line of the OP.

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

@thelobsterquadrille 🤦‍♀️

Do you also work full time OP? I think its an important question. If you don't, it's actually not unreasonable for you to carry the domestic 'mental load' given he carries the financial one. He clearly contributes, picking up DC at 6am, buying and wrapping gifts. Whether that contribution is 'fair' or not largely depends on whether you both contribute equally in terms of work outside the home. When I worked full time and my partner didn't, it was fully understood that he did the domestic heavy lifting, and I'd have been less than impressed to be sulked at for not suggesting a food shop at the weekend when he'd had all week. Much less if he bought his food and not mine. (And if I posted on here about it, I'd probably be told he was abusive.)

On OPs previous thread she said she was a SAHM but does have a child with additional needs.

Sorry, you said that he went to bed early. I wrongly assumed that he was tired.

I don’t get this ‘mental load’ bollocks. Food shopping and gift wrapping isn’t a hard thing.

He's supposed to be the person you love most and you deliberately want to ge mean snd unkind to him. This is really sad. Why on earthvwiuld you not buy food he likes??

is that on another thread? I didn’t see he’d done all the presents and wrapping. That is much more involved than the food shopping.

He also, according to the other thread, does the majority (if not all) the cooking and will be cooking Christmas Dinner.

It's like the adage that smiling takes about 8 times fewer muscles than frowning - it must have taken way more effort working out what to exclude from the shopping trolley to make absolutely sure the DH doesn't get to enjoy Christmas, but still buy the necessary foods for the other members of the household.

But then again I can't see the point of petty micro-aggressions.

That's what I call "mental load", you have to keep reminding yourself to stay noticeably really really pissed off, even long after you've forgotten why you are

Yes, you absolutely would have been told your husband is abusive if he went shopping for Christmas food and bought stuff for everyone bar you, he would be called all the names under the sun and the cries of LTB would be deafening.

Obviously it's not just about the op deciding not to include cheese in the shopping.

It's years of ingrained responsibility of her doing everything.

Regardless of the fact he did all the wrapping (tiny violin for him) it sounds like op does all the leg work for everything.

All I can say is, do whatever is easiest for you, op. There's no rewards.

She doesn’t do everything

No her dh created it

How, exactly?

It's years of ingrained responsibility of her doing everything.

The OP does not do everything @mackthepony , the husband is not the useless sack of shit he is being portrayed as - in the OP's own words he cooks, washes up and sorts the kids out, plus works outside the home. They have four children and, again by the OP's own admission, it is hectic but that was what she wanted a hectic life with four children rather than just two.

all these women you created an atmosphere and that your petty

what do you want OP to do?? Get on her knees and beg to know what he would like so she can serve it to him in handcuffs and stockings?

behave. If he doesn’t give a shit she doesn’t have to beg him to do so and he needs to accept he’s not going to be catered to like a baby because he’s turned into a man child!!

OP do not let this man ruin your Xmas. Let him sulk in a corner whilst you and your kids have the best time with all your favourites ❤️

He didn’t engage, he cba. He shouldn’t expect her to run around after him if he doesn’t even have the common decency to take some of the work load or even have a conversation confirming what he’d like!

if your partner disrespects you like that and you run around after him anyway that’s so muggy.

Perhaps OP's husband should take a leaf out of her book and not bother cooking Christmas dinner for her? Maybe just do it for the children and leave her out?

He is not being catered to like a baby ffs, however, OP is behaving like a child.

He spent all day wrapping presents.

OP has also said on previous threads that he's the one who does all the cooking - including Christmas Dinner, on top of working full-time while she's a SAHM.

That's hardly a man who "CBA".