Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

OP you said it's saved you a fortune. You specifically? If you got the cheese, would you be buying the cheese from his money, your money, joint money?

I saw a meme on FB that basically said if you were looking forward to a Christmas full of food, gifts and cheer, and you didn't do any of the work to achieve it, you were essentially buying your happiness with someone else's work.

I've always found it annoying that women do about 90% of the Christmas work then it gets attributed to Jesus and Santa; two blokes.

Maybe he just doesn't care either way - lots of people don't.

I’m sorry but you sound so overly dramatic.

“Carrying the mental load” seems to be a phrase you’re just parroting that you’ve picked up on Mumsnet.

Doing a Christmas food shop is not difficult. You have already done a Christmas food shop (and “carried the mental load” of that absolutely fine) but purposely not picked up anything your DH likes to be spiteful and to prove a point.

If you want help you need to clearly communicate, not play childish games. You’ve done the food shop every year, it’s no surprise that when you went and did a food shop this year he’s likely assumed you just sorted it anyway, hence not saying about going with you today/yesterday.

It wouldn’t be how I handle my problems in a relationship, anyway. I would have had a chat with him last week and clearly outlined that

• I need help with the shopping and worked through a list of tasks together decided who is responsible for what and what days they needed sorted by
• Asked what days are you not working so we can coordinate our schedules and find a day to do the food shop on
• If I decided to do a food shop without buying him his stuff, I’d tell him when I got home “so I’ve got all the main bits but you’ll need to go out and grab drinks/snacks for yourself”

I wouldn’t go and do a food shop, purposely not buy him anything and then not mention it to prove a point and so I could gloat on Christmas Day about how it’s his own fault.

You have children. You sound like you both need to grow up by about 20 years to be honest. Poor kids having to sit there while you two nip away at each other about not getting fucking cheese, which is inevitable for tomorrow.

Maybe he just doesn't care either way - lots of people don't.

And is it really his whims she's catering to?

She’s not doing everything herself is she though? And she’s not the one showing concerning behaviour indicative of low mood/suicidal thoughts, is she? So yes, it’s her fault as she has engineered this.

You should get divorced. Its plainly obvious neither of you like each other much less love. But every day of this marriage means another day of unhappiness for both of you.

Or stay in the marriage if only to punish him for not caring like you're doing now.

Wow you got all that from a MN post about Christmas food

Just ask what the fricking problem is instead of having a war over shopping.
'We agreed to do x and it seems like you are not onboard', are you OK?'
Not rocket science. Instead you flee for the cinema to make a point...knowing that tomorrow you will have your 'gotcha' moment. Just separate. Its awful for your kids.

You go lady! 100% behind you.

Op hasn’t checked out of anything. She says he is fine usually. If your partner acts different and you jump to ‘I will show you’ as the first reaction, you aren’t a great partner yourself. Not you specifically, the general you.

What mental load? She know what he likes, she must do know so she could avoid buying it. It’s there in her head. Like there will be things about Op that her husband just knows. She has created more ‘mental load’ by purposely avoiding food he likes, posting about it, wondering if it will cause problems at Christmas etc.

She’s not though. He’s done the presents and wrapping from what she’s said. There’s no reason why she needs a hand hold to sort the food.

He's suicidal now @Onnabugeisha? That's a reach.

Anything to keep women doing everything and asking for nothing in your world though, right? Including second hand suicide threats. Oddly that's what abusive men do. Why would they bother though when your here, handmaidening as always?

Yes.

She deliberately went out of her way to not buy Christmas food that he might like and that's pretty hard to do.

Probably forgot like men do.

??? What precludes makes from remembering to buy food for Christmas?

We can't know if the husband is struggling, but we do know that the OP is, and that she has told her husband this. He has agreed to do things and then not done them. He could have told her that he is struggling too, but he didn't (and to be fair, he may not be).

It doesn't matter a jot how technically difficult shopping is, or whether the OP lives in an area where online shopping is available. If a person is struggling, then they should be able to rely on their spouse for support and practical help. OP asked for what she needed and expressed how she was feeling. I don't think her difficulties should be less important than his (theoretical) problems.

So many people on this thread who basically seem to think women are support humans for men, even if they are grown adults who could perfectly well sort their own Christmas food. Why should it have to be the woman’s role to always think about not rocking the boat at Christmas, be nice, grocery shopping isn’t real work, just buy him what he likes anyway, poor man?

Couldn’t demonstrate better why men accept the role of being babied, and if you want to get a man to actually do something, it’s your communication skills that are the issue. If your man isn’t doing something that’s because you haven’t communicated properly! As if men need instructions in a nice tactful way or it’s the woman’s problem for not being nice enough!

OP, you’re not wrong. He ought to be saying: what are we doing about sorting out the Christmas food? When would you like to go? What can I get/sort out?

Bloody hell, this thread took a turn.

Fleeing to the cinema to avoid buying cheese, punishing cheese-man into suicidal thoughts by reading words and phrases on Mumsnet, and being mean by only providing a three course Christmas family dinner she's shopped for, prepared and cooked.

What ho, Gilead.

Just separate. Its awful for your kids.

Oh don't be silly. Lots of people get grumpy over Christmas, and the kids are whacked up on sugar and Muppets and largely oblivious.

I think it's took plenty of turns on both sides of the argument tbf. It's hard to tell if this is the tip of a shitty iceberg re the husband or just a bit of pettiness from the OP. Hopefully the kids enjoy Christmas either way.

“like men do” 🙄

I didn’t say he was definitely suicidal, but his behaviour of sudden disengagement is absolutely a red flag for suicidal behaviour. Since OP hasn’t even bothered to see if he’s ok or not, can’t say he isn’t suffering from depression.

And no, she’s not doing everything, he’s done the presents and wrapping, he’s been collecting the DS after night shifts, and he works while she is a SAHM so that is an unfair thing to say. Do not call me a handmaiden, I simply have experienced suicide. You are completely naive and privileged if you cannot spot the red flags for it.

From OP: I've asked him repeatedly over December.

She used her words.

Normally I would agree with you if there was a pattern of the man not pulling his weight domestically, but the OP says he is normally involved and this year has been very disengaged about Christmas which he usually enjoys. That says to me depressed or having an affair so checked out of family life. Would you really not worry if your partner just checked out suddenly??

Bloody brilliant post. 👏

Regardless of the rights or wrongs, you make very heavy weather and hard work out of a bit of food shopping. There's one extra reasonably elaborate meal and other than that it's some snacks and then just food for ordinary meals. Or have I been doing it wrong for 30 years? 🤔