Disengaged dh still not asked about Christmas food

[IncessantNameChanger]

I posted about him last week. We did finish off the kids presents and he spent most of yesterday wrapping. But there never was any engagement with buying food.

I bought a few things every week so we have starters, mains, afters, some part cook rolls for boxing day. My and the kids breakfast. Pickles.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

I have decided to take the kids to the cinema today so he can let it sink in. I have everything me snd kids enjoy. But I do feel he just checked out this year.

I have decided this year resolution is to stop trying to do everything. Starting right now. I'm done with carrying the mental load

But the OP says this:

I have asked him, repeatedly, all month. We normally do it together. Having to nag or beg is new this year. I don't want to nag or beg.
He doesn't work nights. Our son does.
It's the fact that we normally do these things together. How many times do I need to ask? I'm talking. He is agreeing but not following through. Yes let's go next weekend. But it's next weekend now. Not really up for asking him again.
Yes I think he has checked out of family life. I told him I was struggling to cope with all the prep. Heaves soothing noises and doesn't offer up a solution

I have asked him, repeatedly, all month. We normally do it together. Having to nag or beg is new this year. I don't want to nag or beg.

Asked him what? To go food shopping with her or why he seems to have checked out of family life and is not interested in Christmas as he usually is?

I pulled back a bit this year - fed up of carrying the load of Xmas only for DH to get the accolades after having cooked the dinner. No mention that I bought it, planned it all, wrapped 90% of it and will probably clear it all up and pack it all away. It’s worked as he’s realised things were missing and not done and he got it sorted. All be it very last minute which stresses me out.

No, but what we do know is that his behaviour is very different to other years. Noticeably different. partners wouldn’t normally be concerned.

It’s a sign something is wrong. Most partners dont go about coming up with a way to piss off a partner when they are showing signs of something being wrong.

If Op posted ‘Dh job was the wrap presents. He has constantly asked me to arrange when I will do it with him and says he is struggling to do it this year’ people would call him ridiculous.

Op has actually created more mental work for herself.

Do you work? Does he? If you aren't at work and he is, then I really think you should buy the cheese and snacks!

He isn't tierd. Not sure where that has come from? He works 8-4. I bought all the presents and all food. So yes that is a mental load.

It's something we do together every year. I have said multiple times on this thread I do talk to him about it. I have said, it's too much, I can't cope with it all, it's all got on top of me, can you help me? He says he will but never suggested a date or time.

But even though I didn't post this in AIBU it's seems I am unreasonable and all family duties should of course fall me.

Also I have said anywhere that i want a divorce. I'm just frustrated that all family tasks fall to me. But I am the little woman so I'm going to suck it up and look after my man. No wonder he is fed up with us. No one is treating him right. Poor lamb.

Sorry OP but based on what you have said ALL the family tasks do not fall solely on you and again, from what you have said... your OH has helped with stuff and does help with other stuff day to day too. So you seem to be solely annoyed that he hasn't helped you do the food shop this one Christmas.

Correct me if I am wrong and have misread your comments though.

But even though I didn't post this in AIBU it's seems I am unreasonable and all family duties should of course fall me.

Who said that?

And here comes the pity party complete with the usual dramatic hyperbole because some posters don't agree with your actions.

I've read your posts on your other thread and frankly you come across as making a mountain out of a molehill over food shopping, something millions of people manage to do every single day.

You have no idea what is going on with your husband because you haven't outright asked him have you? He has changed in this last year you say, he has become disengaged and all you are concerned about is food shopping not what is underlying this change in him.

It does seen a little odd that you would walk around a supermarket getting your own stuff and nothing for him. I assume there is a lot more to it as this alone seems an odd hill to die on.

your OH has helped with stuff and does help with other stuff day to day too. So you seem to be solely annoyed that he hasn't helped you do the food shop

He "helps"? Helps??

It's his family. His home. His own life. His own consumption. His family time. But he "helps" the female house-bot? OK, gotcha.

Her words not mine

All family tasks don't fall to you as per your PP's.

Grow up.

The things he likes? No booze, no cheeses, no snacks or nibbles, no pate, no dips etc. No new years food.

it sounds like you have quite a complex life going on there and/or a backstory that isn't mentioned on here@IncessantNameChanger but to purposefully miss off the list of things you know your DH enjoys makes it a self-fulfilling prophesy that Christmas is going to be about drawing the battle lines against hi, What can you possibly get out of doing that? How it it helpful?

Are you also working??

If he won't speak on what he wants/needs won't buy what he wants/needs then he doesn't GET what he wants/needs

Stop mothering him your background noise to him at this point

Women of course never get tired and can't forget anything in case the poor little menz need them to remember for them.
You sound male. Or have a terminal case of internalised misogyny.

Yep. Basically that

Poor bastard - get him some cheese. It’s hardly carrying the mental load 😂

Do people really go to all of this trouble for Christmas?
Don’t you just go to a supermarket, walk up and down the aisles putting things you fancy in the trolley? It’s not actually hard work or anything that needs loads of discussion and if you child is old enough to work it’s not like having to take a baby/toddler with you.
There’s clearly a massive backstory here.

So, you’ve bought things you like but not things he likes? Seems petty and spiteful.

I appreciate the run up to Christmas can be hectic and stressful for some. But it’s also meant to be a time where we show our loved ones how much they mean to us.

It sounds like you don’t care too much about your husband.

Sorry OP but this is very passive aggressive behaviour.

You need to sit down and actually discuss how you're feeling with him.

Passive aggression never does anyone any good.

He doesn't work night shifts though. He works 8-4, days. Weekends off.

It sounds to me like your DH may assume as you are doing the shop and know what he likes so it will be there.

My DH and I NEVER go to the supermarket together except on holiday in france when it is an outing I post on our family what's app when the next online order cut off is and ask for requests. There are also things that I just assume are wanted and put them in.

I completely understand the mental load frustration but it feel like a step is missing when you tell him you haven't gotten his stuff and he has time to go to the shops. It does feel petty and like you are changing the rules in the middle of the game IYKWIM.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face @IncessantNameChanger and a shit christmas will impact everyone.

She hasn’t checked out of the “mental load”. She’s added to it with silly game playing. It would have been much easier to chuck his cheese in the trolley than to behave like this.

War of the Roses anyone?

This level of pettiness is off the scale, really.

OP will be, undoubtedly, rehearsing her zinging responses to her husband's 'Is there no Brie? Onion'n'Garlic dip? Twiglets?'

I'm sincerely hoping he says something like 'That was much better this year, without all those unnecessary snacks!'

Poor kids. 😒