terrified of having a son

[givinga]

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

My son and my grandsons are among the kindest ,gentlest and most considerate people I know.
My daughter and granddaughter are equally lovely. I am sorry for your ‘terror’ but feel it is at least misdirected.

Honestly, therapy.

Kids argue and fight, that is normal behaviour for a child. My sister and I used to tear absolute strips off of each other, and quite frankly were worse than any boy.

It sounds like your brother is a twit, and whilst I hate to say it, you can’t mass generalise a whole genders behaviour based on your brother (and yes I know men can be horrid).

OP what if you have an ill behaved girl? I think you need to consider having children at all tbh.

Please don’t have children while you are being so unreasonable.
Boys are all individuals, like girls are.

Character is inherited a lot of the time.

My god son is amazing. Such a gentle, kind soul. He's 18 now and still lovely. He's quite shy but always finds his voice when he thinks somebody has been wronged. He is never any trouble and was always such a joy for me to babysit, I used to call his parents to ask to take him places or for sleepovers etc because he was just so lovely. He's never even been trouble as a teenager when it's apparently supposed to be the hardest.

I'm a girl, well woman, but was a girl, obviously. I was not a nice gentle child. I was wild and I'm embarrassed to say I used to fight (physically!) as a child, with siblings. And even at school a couple of times. My parents used to have to give me a reminder of rules on how I should behave and tell me not to fight when they took me somewhere. I was kind to people too and fiercely protective of siblings and parents but definitely not the ideal child.

My son is almost 3 and the sweetest little dude ever. I had covid and had to stay away from him for 5 days and he cried for me every night, broke my heart.

I thought I'd have a daughter, there's very few boys in my family so I was very surprised when I found out we were having a boy. But now I wouldn't change him for the world. It's about what they're like as people OP not if you have a boy or a girl.

OP - I get where you are coming from.

The women in my family are all so smart, caring, compassionate, beautiful people.

The men? Jeez. I do not know what genetic error has happened but they are all utter bastards.

When I was pregnant I wished for a girl because I knew I would have to work twice as hard to recognise the behaviour and change it.

I have 2 adult sons. They were both delightful as children, loving, and very loveable...one more active/full on than the other. We had lots of fun and both were/are quite sporty. They were easy, typical boys and are now responsible, hard working husbands and fathers.
Even in the teenage years they gave me no real trouble, certainly no aggression. One is very funny, the other is very conscientious is everything he does. They had respect for me and still do. A lot of it is about how they are brought up/background/environment/family influence/guidance etc.
Bad behaviour is not about gender FFS. Girls can be very challenging, believe me. Bad behaviour is about personality and how children have been guided, advised, supported, loved, encouraged, shown boundaries and a moral compass.
I also think that with your attitude, sweeping generalisations and prejudice against male children that you should not have children at this time...if at all.

I agree with you entirely.

Children are like puppies. You will get the amount of disobedience you are prepared to tolerate.

If that’s how you feel about a male child I suggest you don’t have children, my sons are both wonderful, they love their Mummy have an excellent relationship with each other, yes just like any child they have their moments but nothing serious.

The thing is OP you could have 100s of stories of well behaved boys, but will that actually convince you having a son would be ok? FWIW, I have Two sons and they are hands down the best things I have ever done/had in my life.

Agreed.
There definitely seems to be a link between well behaved children and well behaved dogs.
Both have boundaries and know the unwritten rules within a household.

I had a daughter and she was horrendous. Your thinking is very warped Op.

With all kindness I don’t think you are psychologically ready to have kids, I have girls and a boy and they are all wonderful, my son is the most loving of all of them.

You obviously found one nice boy, the prospective father. If you have a son he will have a strong tendency to be like his father and with you and his father to bring him up he will be fine. Nobody knows for certain how their children will grow up you could have a boy that's a darling and a girl that's really difficult. You just have to do the best job you can.

I have 3 sons They're all amazing
Do not TTC until you have accepted you get what you're given

Honestly OP, I think you need to overcome these thoughts/feelings before TTC.

The truth is it doesn't matter if you have a boy or a girl, a child can be hard work regardless. I have met some lovely gentle sweet boys and some outgoing head strong girls and vice versa.

You definitely need to seek some sort of therapy or otherwise overcome these feelings before TTC. It would be totally unfair to bring an innocent child into this with so much prejudice on them before they're even born!

I'm sure logically you realise this, but not all boys are 'bad' just because you've had the misfortune to meet a few. Fwiw my son is an incredibly kind, loving and sensitive boy.

Apologies all - it looks like this thread was started by a previously banned troll so we'll be taking it down in a moment.

Don't consider having a baby until you have worked through your issue and are at peace with whichever baby comes along.

I know this isn't your fault but as mum to boys I find these threads dispiriting, there's one of them every day it seems.

Your brother wasn't an arsehole because he was a boy.

I say this as kindly as possible, but until you resolve these feelings or are a LOT further down the road with them, you are not in healthy position to be a parent and it would be a selfish choice to conceive when you risk doing terrible damage to a boy-child. I really hope you can find a peace from your own trauma with your brother, but please do not have children until then.

Don't be daft.

2 girls and a boy here and my son is the most affectionate, loving, caring and polite of the 3. He has a heart of pure gold. Your brother must just be an arrogant arsehole, it has nothing to do with him being male. Probably wouldn’t have kids until you’ve sorted this all out in your head as it’s 50/50 what you’ll get