terrified of having a son

[givinga]

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

I have 4 boys, I have to admit it is up to you to give them the values etc so they don’t turn out mean etc and you can’t really guarantee they won’t be fighters, but that’s not just for boys- I was gobsmacked once when two sisters visiting us started wrestling and KILLING each other on our trampoline!!! My 4 (god that sounds pretentious!!) are fab, they’re funny and lovely and our house is chaotic and crazy but for the most part brilliant!!!

My OH is lovely and was a bookish boy. His nephews are sweet and the eldest is now a nurturing Dad. Young cousin - very creative kid, into film.
Boys doesn't have to mean "little shit", honest!

In the nicest possible way, you shouldn't even consider TTC if you will be even remotely upset if it's a boy. It's a 50/50 chance, and it's unbelievably unfair to your future child.
If you need counselling due to an actual fear your child could have a penis, you shouldn't be considering having a child at all.

My son is a kind, compassionate and lovely 18 year old.

Give me a class of boys over a class of girls any time! Girls can be so mean

Our boys being lovely or not makes no difference. You cannot have a child while ever you have these feelings.

You could very well turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy, where your attitude and behaviour to your son could irreparably damage him.

Nobody should be a disappointment to their parents at the point of conception.

I really don’t think it will help to tell you tales of ‘well behaved boys’. What if, god forbid, you get a ‘boisterous’ one, despite all the tales of ‘good’ boys. Boisterous does not = violent and bad. One of my boys is gentle and considered and calm. Very chilled out. The other is ‘boisterous’ and very physical. He needs lots of physical play and stimulation. He is also incredibly imaginative and very very loving. I feel sick at the thought that he might have had a mother who thought he was ‘bad and violent’ because he is so physical. That would be so damaging for him. I truly wish you all the best but please please don’t have children until you’ve really worked through this fear. You could really damage your children

I think you dhould just accept that you are not in the right headspace to have a child. Maybe a cat?

OP please do not have children. The idea that you can control this type of thing even before you start trying to conceive makes the words "recipe for disaster" an understatement

OP I was scared of having a son. I had two! They could be lively but they didn't fight much (the minute I heard bickering I put them in spearate rooms and told them to get back together when they were ready to play nicely)

They have always been affectionate. They love books and cooking and music and art so we have lots in common, but they also got me into more boyish interests - I actually loved watching them play rugby. And we all love hiking and climbing mountains so we did a lot of that as they grew up.

You get individual people, not a stereotype. And how you parent the boisterousness will colour how they behave.

My son is loving , loyal, kind , hardworking and affectionate. So is my daughter. He had her and me to challenge any immature thinking towards women. His cousin was a gentle role model. Encourage music and language learning as well as sport . I am so grateful to have both kids .

Why do you blame your brother's sex for his behaviour?

You might as well say you don't want a child with brown hair, as the sibling who was awful to your mum had brown hair

Until you can genuinely understand the error in your thinking, you are not really in a place to start having kids

Yes absolutely this!!!

Motherhood is an unknown journey. What will you do if you find out your child has a disability? Or has an accident? There's so many variants you are not in the correct place.

What does your DH say about these thoughts you have?

Sorry, how are you blaming your brother for his behaviour? If he’s not nice then it will be because of how he’s been treated as a child.

I have two boys and a girl . My sons are affectionate, caring and great company, I adore them . Don’t mistake the gender as the problem!

No one can be certain of having a baby of any gender. Unless you can welcome a baby of either sex you should not get pregnant. Why not adopt a girl?

I think if you are genuinely that petrified of a consequence of a thing that has a 50.1% chance of occurring, you probably shouldn't do the thing.

Don't TTC.
It's bizarre that you have a DH and he's willing to have a baby with you even though there's a 50% chance you'll hate the baby.

My sister is 38 and has been abusive to my Mum since she was a teenager! Financially, physically and mentally. She has been arrested multiple times for physically attacking her, and has also been convicted for GBH on me, so it's not just a male thing. Like a PP said, it's not the sex, it's the personality.

If you want a girl like I did, I would recommend drinking pure orange and getting DH to have hot baths! It does work.

Raising adopted children is difficult. I'm not sure that's a good suggestion for op.

My mother had sisters who tormented her and pulled her hair on a daily basis. It didn’t make her love her daughters any less.

I don't have children but I am close to lots of family and friends that do and most of them have boys.

Yes, some are boistrous and mischievous, but then when I was a kid I refused to play with anything "girly" and ran around with my toy cars, lego and scalextric!

I saw my 11 year old nephew at the weekend and had so many hugs from him - he's just a sweetheart and I'm making the most of them before he turns into a grumpy teenager who barely acknowledges my existence.

No matter what their gender is, every child is unique. Go to a toyshop and have a look around - there will be loads of children kicking off and they'll be a mixture of boys and girls.

I would encourage you to continue on the counselling route - you perhaps just haven't found the right counsellor for you yet, but, kindly, as PPs have said, you need to resolve your feelings before you consider having children.

Mumsnet finest!

FWIW my son is lovely, so gentle and kind with his younger sister, who is much harder work!

My DS is one and just the absolute light of my life. He’s so affectionate, kind and sensitive. I just adore him to where I’d now love to have a little army of boys. I would also say to reassure you that my DH has a great relationship with his mum and keeps in contact without any prompting, remembers her birthday, will join her on the occasional dog walk etc. All very normal stuff with no drama. Please don’t be put off having a boy, you will realise when they are born that their sex really doesn’t matter and you will just love them regardless.