terrified of having a son

[givinga]

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

Test not rest*

Don’t have children. It would be totally unfair to have a baby while you have such an irrational bias against an entire sex.

No amount of anecdata on an anonymous internet forum is going to be of any use to you. Everyone will have different story to tell. I think you should seriously consider whether you want children at all.

@Twizbe Well, not entirely true. Males do generally have a higher tendency for violence, rape and other sex crimes. Disproportionately so.

But, OP generally speaking most males are fine and loving and not a problem, just like some girls can't be total cows!

You raise them the way you want them to be in the world and don't fall in to stereotyping ( ie the boys will be boys claptrap, and boys need to burn off their aggression bollocks)

But like someone else said, don't have a child until you can overcome the very possibility that anything can happen when you raise a child, lots of unknowns for both sexes ( disability, neurodiversity etc) that may mean you parent differently to what you imagine.

My DS is the light of my life. He’s a gorgeous, funny, affectionate and special little boy. He has made my life a million times better. He can also be an absolute nightmare at times but can’t we all!

If you need counselling I wouldn't be having a child.

You’re not ready to ttc. It would be extremely fair on a child or either sex given the frame of mind you’re in. I hope your husband vetos it till you’re healthier in your outlook.

If you really are 'terrified' at ending up with a son probably give the whole parent thing a miss OP. It can be a challenging experience with either sex.

BTW my son is fab, he is 22 and was a wonderful little boy too. I would give anything to be able go back and spend the occasional day with his random younger self.

As long as you are the type of parent who would never even think to utter the bullshit phrase 'boys will be boys' then you will be absolutely fine.

My ds is being raised exactly the same as dd. If anything, he is a bit more naturally sensitive and kind.

I can understand how your experiences have influenced your thinking - but typically it's mother daughter relationships that are more complex/ fraught (my own included!). Boys typically adore their mothers, to the extent we have a well worn stereotype for it "mummy's boy" whereas we don't have a stereotype for what you describe because happily it's so rare.

There are several men in my social circle who worship their mothers, it's absolutely lovely to see.

My son is lovely - he was a loving, cuddly little boy and now he's a caring young man ( geeky,but we run to geeky in our family)
He and his sister have always got on really well,and still do now.
I guess he was more boisterous than his sister when he was little,but all children are different.We were always firm on no hitting/ hurting people, and on being kind physically and with words.
We are none of us perfect, but we all get on fine!

If you've been to 3 councillors and not overcome this fear, what makes you think hearing about how some random strangers on the internet have encountered nice boys is going to help?

I've got 2 sons and 2 daughters and they are all lovely kids. The child who has the most difficult behaviour is probably my daughter. Having kids isn't for everyone and it sounds like it's not for you.

I was scared of having a boy. My brother was awful and has destroyed my family. My uncle is clearly very autistic and still lives with his mum. DH was a nightmare and tearaway from a young age.

DS is a delight. He is a lovely little boy and I wouldn't change him for the world. His school reports are awesome, he's well behaved and he's well liked. He has his moments and has caused a fair amount of stress lately but at this point I can't imagine having or wanting a girl.

You should not be considering having a child while your thinking is so irrational.

This.

You shouldn't be having kids

I have 4 boys aged 15,13,10 and 2, they all have different personalities but are all such loving boys and treat me like a queen! I love my boy gang

It might be helpful to think that it wasn't their penis that made these boys act in this way. It's their personality

it’s not even personality in many cases, it’s societal training.

when every aspect of society tells us boys are physical, like fighting, maths, are tough, like “labradors” as so often is said here, just need food and exercise, boys grow to fit the stereotypes.

many boys are emotionally neglected - not through any kind of intent, but purely because they aren’t seen as needing it. So it comes out in other ways such as physically, which is then put down to “boys will be boys”.

o/p if you have a boy it is hard to fight those stereotypes, but it can be done as posters on here show.

stamp down on any physical fighting, don’t put roughhousing or treating people like crap down to their maleness, deal with it. If you wouldn’t tolerate it in a girl, don’t allow a boy to do it.

btw I have a girl who is very physical and it’s a tough job dealing with her when her first line of defence is to hit out. She doesn’t start it, but if someone gets verbal with her she will retaliate physically. We have had many a conversation about alternative ways to deal with these situations.

I have 2 boys and 99% of the time they are brilliant. They play sport, work hard…. One does push my buttons - utterly rubbish at helping round the house and annoying. However he’s 15 and I think he’s improving.

I was worried that they’d hate each other because there’s 2 years and 3 months between them, and I didn’t get n at all with my brother (same age difference), but he improved after 18 (or I did) and mine have usually got on brilliantly.

I come from a family of 4 girls. We all had 2 boys each and the third baby in everyone's families are girls. I stopped at 2. My niece's are far harder work than any of the 8 boys in our family. My boys were never boisterous. Typical tree climbing, finding mud kind of boys but never once did either of them throw tantrums etc. They are 12 and 9 now and my oldest is not so affectionate as my youngest but hormones and all that.... I'm always complemented on how well they behave and how polite they are. It's about how you bring them up honestly. It's nothing to do with chromosomes. We can all my a wee bit irrational and scared in pregnancy it's totally natural. Remember your son or daughter is made up of you and your partner and you'll be fine

No one’s anecdotal evidence will help you here OP. It’s too deep rooted. Keep on with the therapy and don’t TTC until you’re there, if you get there.

Don't even think of TTC until you are over this, boys are the best

I've a girl and two boys. My girl has been the hardest and loves to be violent. She has such a temper. Smashing TV holes in doors ect. (Trick she learned from her dad. No longer around so improvements are being made) The boys yes they like a good run about and play tickles but my youngest is so sweet very cuddly and always apologises whenever anything happens even accidents. I fully believe it's down to personalities and how you parent.

Please don't breed!!

I’m one of three girls and we were bloody awful as kids and teenagers. Arguing, bunking off school, sneaking out at night. We got up to all sorts of mischief.

Both me and my older sister have sons and they have been utter dreams in comparison.