terrified of having a son

[givinga]

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

I think this is the chickens coming home to roost on the way MN talks about men and how awful they are, how everything they do is ‘misogynistic’ yet simultaneously claim their sons are lovely and wouldn’t hurt a fly etc.

OP, I don’t have a good relationship with the men in my family - dad’s an alcoholic who was selfish and emotionally cold, my brother is fine now but needed anger management as a boy because he would have aggressive outbursts where he would physically attack us.

It took me a long time to work through these feelings and realise most men aren’t like my family, if I had a boy he would have half of DH’s DNA and DH is so far from being aggressive or an addict! His parents say he was a dream child to raise, quiet and responsible.

We have a 3yo daughter and some of these feelings resurfaced when I found out I was pregnant again in the summer, but nowhere near as badly this time. As it turns out I’m expecting another girl but had it been a boy I really don’t think I would’ve felt negatively about it.

I'd be doubling up on contraception if I were you

This.

it’s not about your brother being a boy. I have two lovely girls but everyone else we hang around with has boys the same age - without exception they are kind, caring funny and adorable in equal measure to the girls.

Thank you so much for you wonderful stories. This actually does really help and is lovely to hear.

Yeah do not TTC yet OP….

This is just like saying all girls are dramatic and bitchy and cliquey and shallow. Obviously rubbish.

Do t have children op it's hard work and I don't think you will handle it well if this is what you are like even without children.

Look, you might be infertile. You might have a child with significant disabilities. You might have a girl who turns out to be a complete sociopath. If you have this level of irrational thinking then you really aren't cut out for parenthood.

I would not have kids until you are sure you are over it, so you are right to hold of TTC. I have just had a little boy and he honestly melts my heart. Obviously not play fighting age, and I am biased, but I honestly think he is the sweetest, snuggliest little bundle and couldn't imagine having any other baby. Me and DH keep pinching ourselves. I have even wondered if we ever had a second how could I possibly love it as much as I love him. I think it's generally primal instinct to love your baby when it is born whether it is male or female so definitely try and get to the bottom of what you are really scared of.
PS my brother is amazing, so emotionally intelligent and sensitive to feelings. He was probably also less boisterous than I was! (And definitely better behaved as a teenager!)

Your brother isn't horrible because he's a boy and you/your sister aren't kind because you're girls.

Obviously we do not know why your brother is the way he is. For example he may have been parented differently or he could be on drugs or have SN. If your brother was the way he was from when you were very young it's possible that your niceness is a reaction to that and you grew up fearing your mother's reaction to normal mistakes or rebellion that other teens have.

I hope that you don't have kids. Any daughter would be under intense pressure to conform to your twisted view of girls and any boy would be under intense pressure not to behave like your brother. I know that we can't persuade you to go against what you've experienced and seen in your life but you must know some males who aren't like your brother.

Children can be difficult. They sometimes cry without reason or spend days whinging despite every attempt to make them happy. This goes for both boys and girls.

My 14 year old son is the most affectionate, kind person ever. If I am upset he will be the one to notice. It sounds to me as though your brother is just a horrible person. Nothing to do with his sex.

It feels like every single week on here we have similar thread,.usually gender disappointment always concerning boys.
I am not going to waste time justifying what a priverledge it is to raise sons, you will find that out for yourself should you have a son.
But it makes you wonder why young males struggle with the issues they do when alot of them don't seem wanted or desired in the first place and seemingly held in second place to girls. There was a thread on here recently regarding why some young men turn their backs on the outside world, can you blame them with attitudes like this? Of course all the replies pointed the finger at porn and gaming because that's the easy option than to admit we live in a world where boys are not seen as valuable.

My 17yo DS is our ray of sunshine in the house. Loving and affectionate. He's adorable and treats his gf with the utmost respect as well. Compared to his sister who is a hormonal horror at the moment. Will be devastated when he leaves the home!

I have 2 boys who are now in their twenties. I absolutely LOVE having boys. I would have loved more... They are so much less complicated than girls. What you see is what you get. they don't gossip and bitch, and they are just straight down the line.

Both my boys are neat and tidy, thoughtful and sensitive. Neither are boisterous or like to fight. They are both gentle and quiet. They are both a lot of fun, one is more quiet, but the other has a very large circle of close friends. Of course, growing up they had their fair share of tantrums and terrible twos went on a while with one of them, but I don't think outside of the realms of what should be expected with children.

I am sad now that they are older and my friends with girls have closer relationships, but I still feel happy to have boys, and happy for them that I often feel their own lives are less complicated than those of girls.

My ten year old boy is lovely. He doesn't conform to any gender stereotypes, isn't boisterous or aggressive at all, loves hanging out with his two little cousins (both girls) loves singing, dancing, reading.
He's very affectionate and tells me he loves me every day.
He isn't perfect though, he's lazy and messy and talks at me until my ears bleed.
I know you don't want any more counselling but please hold off on having a child until you're thinking clearly.
Having one sex or the other won't guarantee any particular set of behaviours. They'll be their own unique person and any child you bring into the world will need to feel loved and valued rather than loaded with your pre-conceived ideas.

I don't understand how women you dislike males so much get married / settle down with men. Surely you understand they're not all shits given you're choosing to procreate with one?

It’s not the sex, it’s the person.
I have a daughter and two sons. My love for them is the same, but honestly, the one who I get on with the best is my middle son.
I also only wanted daughters.
Its truly the person. If your brother had been a girl, she would have been awful to your mum.

4 sons, 2 grandsons.
Boisterous at times as youngsters, all grown up to be rational, sensible, caring young men

You just have to go with these things and throw yourself into them. If you're unfortunate enough to have a boy, you can at least enjoy screaming "Take him out!" and "Get the little one!" as your son puts half the opposing team in hospital during his Saturday football match while you beam with pride. Playing dollies and tea parties with little Amelia-Jane will never yield the same adrenaline rush.

There, how's that for some casual sexism?

I have two boys and I love them so much. They are kind, cuddly and so affectionate. I am also a teacher and tend to bond better with the boys as they tend to be easier.

What if you have a girl with really difficult behaviours? Or a girl with additional needs that means they're not 'easy'. Parenting is hard work. I have two boys. They cuddle me and hold my hand. They jump on me and throw their toys. They go to bed beautifully and play nicely in the bath. They wake up like tiny demons at 5am and demand 4 courses of breakfast. They're kids. Having a penis doesn't cause any of the above.

Spot on. Honestly what a world to bring sons up in.

Like PP's have said, please don't start to TTC.

This and I have three of them. My sweet boy who loves singing and dancing can also be a total pain in the butt. My toddlers who give the best kisses and hugs can drive me insane. My niece is the same as are all kids I know.

Maybe think about how your upbringing differed to your brother. What expectations were different? What did he get away with they you didn't? Why are you a nice person and he isn't and I'll give you a hint. It isn't your vagina.

My DS is one of the best behaved DC I have ever met (and I have worked with DC in the past and currently run a childrens group on a voluntary basis). I can’t take credit, I believe it is his personality. He is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, obedient, helpful etc. he is so so loving to me as his DM. Occasionally he can get a bit moany if tired but even that doesn’t last long and is very mild.

No - it really doesn't. You had a girl because there's a 50/50 chance you'd get one.