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Original poster

terrified of having a son

170 replies

givinga · 24/10/2022 13:32

I haven't started TTC yet because I am terrified I may end up with a son. I have gone to three counsellors to talk this through but I still come to the same conclusion. I am not looking for suggestions to talk to counsellors because it isn't helpful.

My brother was so horrible to my mother growing up and continues to torment her in his adulthood. He gets joy in making her upset and being difficult. He lives with her and I feel terrible for her. I dread to think I could have a son like that. My sister is lovely to my mum and I have looked after alot of girls while babysitting and they have all be wonderful. I looked after two little boys and they were nice boys but very aggressive with each other and lots of fighting despite being so young. This has only reinforced my theory.

My DP is wonderful but he sounds like a nightmare child the way his mother has described him, very boisterous and disobedient. He agrees.

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

OP posts:
georgarina · 24/10/2022 15:09

I love my DS4 to bits and I'm not 'boyish' at all. He is very active and loves to run around, but he's always hugging me and telling me he loves me and squeezing next to me wherever I'm sitting (which can get old!!)

He's really sweet with his sister as well (does get too rough like all kids) and is really gentle with animals and things he knows to be delicate with. He got a new pair of shoes the other day and spent ages organising the shoe rack to showcase them.

I get your fear OP but that's not all boys, that's just one example, and your brother could well have also been like that had he been a girl.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 24/10/2022 15:10

I have a son and a daughter. Both are kind, considerate and loving, but DS8 is far, far more affectionate. He is also the one who leaves notes in my office telling me he loves me, and out of the children and DH it was he who came and stroked my forehead last night and ask how my head was feeling (I’d had a bad headache that morning).

Boys are wonderful.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/10/2022 15:10

My two boys are so sweet and kind and affectionate, the men I know are lovely. The biys at my boys school are sweet.
My two brothers caused trouble to my parents growing up and I didn't, it was a bit more troublesome boy wise in the 80s/90s.. more violence, bullying, sexism to mothers displayed by dads, homophobia, racism, non consensual sex etc

All I see now are parents and schools raising kinder kids and putting more effort into parenting, shaping boys to be nicer.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
CoveredInCobwebs · 24/10/2022 15:10

I think this is the chickens coming home to roost on the way MN talks about men and how awful they are, how everything they do is ‘misogynistic’ yet simultaneously claim their sons are lovely and wouldn’t hurt a fly etc.

The men in my life are wonderful. My DH, my brother, my FIL, my BILs, my male friends, my DH’s friends… I’m hoping that my DSes grow up to be just like their Dad to be honest. The most respectful and caring man I know.

Sadly there are a lot of men who are not like this at all. It’s entirely possible to see awful men in the world and be raising your sons to be different.

BakewellGin1 · 24/10/2022 15:11

I have no words... Do not have a child if your only going to be happy with a girl (who is equally as likely to be awful as a boy is)... You are 100% irrational

WhenWhyHow · 24/10/2022 15:12

You shouldn’t be having kids with that mentality.

ThisMammaCat · 24/10/2022 15:17

My three sons are really nice boys. Bit of rude hunour (then again my 18 mo daughter laughs when she trumps). Two of my boys are teens and haven't "gone off the rails."

A lot of rough "male" behaviour just comes from the old line "boys will be boys" and so the behaviours aren't dealt with. Avoid that assumption with your own potential future son and things will be fine.

Sorry you are going through this stress, it sounds horrid!

Longerthanfiveweeks · 24/10/2022 15:18

LolaSmiles · 24/10/2022 13:42

If counselling or therapy isn't something you consider beneficial then I doubt some strangers on Mumsnet are going to be able to solve such a complex worldview about male children.

People telling you their sons are nice is unlikely to get you to a point where you are ready to accept and enthusiastically parent a child regardless of its sex.

I agree with this. It’s really not fair on the boy you may have, if you perceive him and his behaviour through the lens you currently have of men.

You cannot rely on your son being the placid, gentle one of an anecdote you read on here. Your son is very likely to have a complex mix of caring and aggression. If you feel unable to love him unconditionally and support him through this, don’t have a child.

spiderlight · 24/10/2022 15:21

My son is (mostly!) awesome. He was a cuddly, smiley, affectionate baby, a funny, chatty toddler, then there were a few mysterious years of nothing but Minecraft and Pokemon, and now he's a smart, nerdy teenager with lovely friends. I had a moment of panic when I found out I was having a boy, but I wouldn't change him for the world.

AutumnCrow · 24/10/2022 15:21

I thought it may help to hear stories of some well behaved boys. Any suggestions to help me get over the fear that I may have a son?

Who do you write for? Freelance?

HailAdrian · 24/10/2022 15:23

As pp pointed out, coming on and telling OP how wonderful your sons are misses the point really. It's as helpful as pandering to people on so-called 'gender disappointment' threads funny how it's always boys. It's pathetic when so many people go through the pain of infertility or having ill or disabled children. If you don't want to risk having a boy, don't have kids.

Longerthanfiveweeks · 24/10/2022 15:24

I think people are missing the point here. They appear to think that the solution is for OP to have a boy who fits the mound of a good, gentle boy who won’t trigger her negative feelings around men.
Its cruel to enter in parenting on this gamble. OP needs to be sure she can love and value a lively, physical, love of fighting and war and guns, non-cuddly boy too. That’s the deal of parenting.

You have to know you don’t get to pre-book their personality. You can’t actually craft their personality to suits your desires or hang ups. And you can’t make your love conditional on the personality they have.

OP don’t take this gamble, as it’s the child’s well-being you are gambling with.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 24/10/2022 15:26

Every child and every parent is different. Neither I or my sisters have the close relationship with our mum as people seem to expect of mothers and daughters. Boys are more boisterous at a younger age then girls generally but that's due to a difference in the brain development. It doesn't mean they aren't loving. My son was sword fighting with his dad yesterday day time and a ball of energy but in the morning he asked me to give him a big cuddle and kiss. He cuddled up to me on the sofa to read a book too and uses my belly button as his comforter! His bravery and boisterousness has wowed me and I am I awe of how able he is. He loves drawing, playing games and doing calm things but does have a shorter attention span then his female cousins seem to have. On the flip side he is more willing to try new things. I suspect a lot is that girls are told to be careful whilst boys are expected to be boisterous. What ever sex your future babies will be your relationship will not be determined by that if your mother and brother

amspeechless · 24/10/2022 15:30

My brother was an absolute arsehole towards my mother and still hate him and NC .
I have two sons and they are delightful,caring soles . Both in their twenties and absolutely nothing I would change about them .
My daughter is also a lovely human being.

Cuppasoupmonster · 24/10/2022 15:34

Longerthanfiveweeks · 24/10/2022 15:24

I think people are missing the point here. They appear to think that the solution is for OP to have a boy who fits the mound of a good, gentle boy who won’t trigger her negative feelings around men.
Its cruel to enter in parenting on this gamble. OP needs to be sure she can love and value a lively, physical, love of fighting and war and guns, non-cuddly boy too. That’s the deal of parenting.

You have to know you don’t get to pre-book their personality. You can’t actually craft their personality to suits your desires or hang ups. And you can’t make your love conditional on the personality they have.

OP don’t take this gamble, as it’s the child’s well-being you are gambling with.

I agree! This ‘oh my son loves ballet and is so cuddly’ is a totally meaningless response, as is ‘bring him up a a soft/caring type’. Wanting to mould your son into something he isn’t or feeling happy he ended up liking the things you do is no better than ‘gender disappointment’.

TulipCat · 24/10/2022 15:39

It's probably a good thing that you haven't started TTC yet as you don't sound ready. At the moment, what would you do if you get pregnant with a boy? Maybe try a different counsellor?

Lochjeda · 24/10/2022 15:41

My son is an absolute angel as a child and far far easier than either of his sisters have been. He's loving, affectionate and complimentary and the girls are absolutely not. You can't judge your own potential son on other boys you know.

ThreeLocusts · 24/10/2022 15:45

OP just to say I feel for you having to deal with these hangups. I went into a tailspin when I learned I was having a second daughter, because my dad had been so loudly discontented with having two daughters. Nobody chooses to have these feelings.

Ignore the ppl here who say you mustn't have children. A lot of lovely people would not have been born if only people without hangups had kids.

My third was a boy and sadly, I was surprised when I realised what an instinctively kind, friendly person he is. It's helped me heal a bit.

That said I'd advise you get counselling while ttc. In truth there is always a chance that you will have a child, girl or boy, who causes you heartbreak - if not by being nasty, then by being ill or God knows what else. Better try to deal with your trauma in preparation.

knittingaddict · 24/10/2022 15:45

Boys are delightful, or at least the ones I know are. I had daughters, but my grandchildren are boys and they are so lovely. My daughter has been complimented twice in the last 48 hours about how polite and nice they are. I wouldn't change them for the World.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/10/2022 15:46

No you can't choose their personality but you can mould them to be kind and loving.

Netflixandaps · 24/10/2022 15:48

My son who's almost 24 is amazing! I've raised him alone. He was never any bother growing up and now, he's just a beautiful human, we get on so well. I would choose a boy over and over.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 24/10/2022 15:48

Marmunia1066 · 24/10/2022 14:27

If you want a girl like I did, I would recommend drinking pure orange and getting DH to have hot baths! It does work.

If you were looking for a post to ignore, it would be this one.

knittingaddict · 24/10/2022 15:50

Having read some other posts I can see that I might need to add that they are also lively, want to play computer games all the time and are walking mud magnets. You do need to embrace whatever personalities your children have. It's a bit of a lottery on the nature side. Nurture has something to do with it too.

JessesMum777888 · 24/10/2022 15:53

Don’t have a child if you feel this strongly. I don’t mean that harshly but why bring a child into the world if you could resent him for having a Penis.

Fundays12 · 24/10/2022 15:57

OP I have 3 boys. Ds1 is quite hard work but has a neuro developmental condition that affects both boys and girls. He is also very loving to me and does well in school. He does have meltdowns though.
DS2 is very gentle, kind natured and sweet. He rarely misbehaves and gets excellent school reports.

Ds3 is only 3 but gentle natured, kind and gets excellent reports from nursery.

They behave in the way that is expected of them and how we have taught them which is kind hands and kind words. I have a zero tolerance to violence or unacceptable behaviour. The majority of the bullying going on in there school at the moment is girls bullying other girls.

My sister bullied me relentlessly as a child and I was frequently covered in bruises from her and very anxious because if it. She also created constant fights with the res of the family.

I have no doubt your experience has affected your views but please be aware you may end up with a son who is gentle and kind and a daughter who is argumentative and difficult. Children have personality’s just as adults do.