Was I (unintentionally) rude?

[curiousitygotthebetterofme]

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

I don't think your comment was rude at all 😂

You could say it's a compliment- that you know he's academically very strong and so had an opportunity others would not

It was a weird thing to presume on your part. I think I would have found it odd and a bit snooty that you'd think that the natural next step was postgraduate education.

Nope wasn’t being ‘snooty’ was just asking as some people do go on to do post grad degrees.

Well it does sound a little bit like the degree on its own isn't good enough.

But I can see that's not how you meant it.

A little rude, when asking what someone’s next plans are you don’t need to offer suggestions. Her reaction was ott though. I suppose you touched a nerve- for all you know he’s just been turned down for one, or fancied doing one and she’s had to tell him she’s not supporting him anymore etc….

Well I didn’t mean to be rude. A graduate job would be fantastic! I was just asking if he was doing a masters as I was genuinely interested.

She seems touchy about it!

It's her response which was odd/off not your comment which was just making conversation. Sounds like she has some issues around it

Genuinely interested is lovely, it’s the tone of your text though. Stopping before the last two words would have been fine and you would have got the same information.

Her response was odd. Defensive.

Wow! I think she has blocked me. I can no longer see her picture on WhatsApp or her last seen status!

It's more annoying than anything else.

If someone has JUST achieved something, just congratulate them. It's like when you get married and people ask when you're going to have kids. Or when you have a kid, fresh out the womb, and people ask when you'll be having another.

Let him enjoy his achievement. An open ended ask about future plans. But the question of masters definitely puts a dampener on what he's achieved.

I personally wouldnt have gotten offended though. Just rolled my eyes.

Her response was OTT, but yeah I'd be a bit miffed by your message.

Why ask about that specifically rather than simply 'what are his plans next'? It undermines what he's just achieved by asking if he's doing more.

You weren’t rude. She was being bloody weird.

I don’t think it’s rude I think it’s an odd thing to ask though. I’ve never once asked my friends if their kids next step is a masters, getting a job is the norm. It’s more normal to say what’s he looking to do now , if you’re genuinely interested and leave it open.

i can see how she’s thought you were being weird. It is like saying he hasn’t done much he needs to do more.

have you a masters, have your kids?

A graduate job would be fantastic! I was just asking if he was doing a masters as I was genuinely interested

how very odd indeed, so you were not interested if he was getting a grad job, just if he was doing a masters?

she knows you better, were you trying to put him down? Put a dampener on it? I suspect you might have been.

Couldn't you have left it as a 'congratulations, hasn't he done well over the last few years', and not immediately leapt to 'what else can he can do now?'

It's easy to forget what a slog it can actually be to achieve a degree, let them have their moment!

I have already clarified that. It makes no difference to me what he does or doesn’t do - I only asked specifically about a masters as I was interested if he was continuing his studies/staying on at uni or not - not looking down on him!

And I think a grad job is brill. Good on him!

Well perhaps I shouldn’t have added “masters degree” to the question but I don’t see anything at all wrong with asking what his next plans are

I think it's slightly rude. She just wanted to share the happiness, and you have ruined it by implying(in her mind, regardless of your intentions) that what her dc has achieved isn't good enough, maybe?

If she's blocked you, I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time you've come across that way to her.

@curiousitygotthebetterofme But the thing is, you didn't just ask what his next plans are. You did add the bit about the masters and it's safe to assume that's what got her back up.

No I don't think you were being rude and she could have just said no he is not doing a masters he is going to look for a graduate job.

It might be worth apologising (by text since she's blocked you on WhatsApp) You didn't intend to cause offence but you have and I'm sure you can now see why.

Don't let the bad feelings fester. I hate when little things like this can become so huge because no one clears the air. I'm sure a sincere apology would do wonders.