Was I (unintentionally) rude?

[curiousitygotthebetterofme]

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

I think I would have asked the same thing, because the little I know about Uni is that doing a Masters is an option afterwards.

I can understand why a mum would be a bit stung by it though, after thinking about it. She could have just inwardly rolled her eyes and advocated for her son in a kind way, knowing that not everyone gets everything!

You don’t know until you know.

I asked my nurse family member what Band she was on when we were chatting about her work, because all i knew about NHS workers was that they go through Bands as they progress.

She looked awkward and said “I actually hate that question!” and laughed. My brain went through a quick scan and I said “Oh shit, I’m essentially asking you what you’re paid! Sorry!” and she laughed and told me anyway, explaining how the Bands work, bonding over the awkwardness.

Your friend has over-reacted, imo. Referring to their adult son as their baby is a bit of a flag to me!

Which university did he attend?
What subject was it?
What grade did he get?

There is a reason she reacted badly and it's do to with the above and that he probably needs to do a Master's to compensate, as a degree isn't really impressive these days. Unless it's from the right uni, a hard subject and a 1st.

So instead of simply apologising, you poked at her? You know full well the reason she blocked you, so why ask?

She may have a difficult personality but you sound just as bad tbh. It's also laughable telling her you won't speak to her until she calms down when she had already blocked you. That gives me the impression she has little interest in talking to you at this stage anyway.

It might have been silly of her to take offence, but you acting all wide eyed and innocent asking if you've done anything wrong when it was clearly explained on MN several times where you went wrong, is quite provocative. It seems you were trying to further entice her into an argument. If you were the level headed person in this, you could have easily just apologised. Even if you're secretly thinking "wow, she needs to calm down!" That or just don't respond.

My boss will ask me the same question when my daughter graduates and she always comes across as "superior" and looking down at us. When she asked what uni and I told her dd went to Bath, her very first response was "oh, not quite Russell group".

The op would remind me of that sort of thing.

Not rude at all.

But then all of us in my family / friendship group have done postgrads.

My boss will ask me the same question when my daughter graduates and she always comes across as "superior" and looking down at us. When she asked what uni and I told her dd went to Bath, her very first response was "oh, not quite Russell group"

my reply would have been nowt special about Russell group, it’s a money/marketing ploy. Some of the best unis didn’t join because they don’t need to.

that is rude and snobby. However I really can’t see how asking what a graduates plans are is the same.

if you flipped it and o/p had said “congratulations, does he have a job lined up?” She could well have taken offence at that, assuming he’s not able to to a masters.

it’s ridiculous. A simple no, he’s getting a job would be a suitable reply.

OP you are not being rude, or weird, or odd for any part of your text. Her response was weird and very touchy. And if she has blocked you then leave her to it. Extremely Immature.

Yes you could have said this and yes you could have omitted that but doesn't make your intentions any different. Why should you overly think the wording of your messages when it's not a sensitive subject and you're not being nasty - I'd sack anyone like that off tbh, too much hard work if you've to overthink stuff so as not to upset them.

I think it was a bit odd to specifically ask if he was doing a postgrad rather than just asking what his plans were, but it wasn't rude.

It all depends on context though. It wouldn't be viewed as weird if I asked that because I'm in academia and I'm constantly trying to lure other people into the misery of postgraduate study

If you had asked me that about my child, I would've been so happy that you thought that they had the ability & knowledge to carry on with a Masters Degree. I don't understand your cousin's attitude. I think you were being very complimentary to her son.

It wasn't rude, I would be chuffed if anybody thought I was smart enough to do a masters.

Even if she was put out, there was no need to comment like she did, sometimes you just bite your tongue, unless you want to get into a quarrel and feel aggrieved which some people do and it sounds like did s lot,

Ahh posted too soon, sounds like she likes to feel aggrieved and the blocking is just ridiculous!!

In truth, lots of students go on to do Master’s degrees because they don’t really know what to do next. You can usually do a Master's if you have gained a 2:1 Batchelor’s Degree. It wasn’t a rude question at all, because it has become a much more commonplace thing to do.

I don't think you were rude per se, but I do know people with a tendency to do this.....ask about the next thing rather than just enjoying the moment and it's mildly irritating. He's just achieved something brilliant and they want to enjoy the moment. Your message sounds like a quick "well done....NEXT." I agree with a PP that it's similar to asking someone who's just had a baby when they're going to have another one, it reads a bit like you've already moved on mentally to the next nice news or better thing.

Her reaction is completely OTT and you've clearly touched a nerve. But if it's something you do a lot, even unintentionally I can see why she's had enough. Quite a few people have said similar but you don't seem to have accepted it.....you clearly think you're right and I can see it's not been intentional on your part but a quick "I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offence...just curious. Big well done to him" would have calmed everything down.

its odd as some people think its VERY OFFENSIVE to have asked this and the rest of us think "blimey - how many people have i offended with this question over the years?"

(and is a degree SUCH A HUGE achivement that it needs to stand on its own for ages before you can ask about next steps - we are not told there was any particular sruggles here to overcome - most kids go to Uni and most get a 2.1 and first so could go onto a masters if they wanted)

I think this thread is a handy guide to MNers who are looking to take offence at every imagined slight. It must be exhausting being so touchy.

It’s even more exhausting trying to anticipate the 53356533684 million different ways other people might possibly get offended and trying not to do or say it (and then saying it anyway because you’ve been trying so hard not to think about green elephants). Which is why the OP might be coming over a bit stubborn. It’s not pig headedness; it’s bewilderment and frustration.

Given that this is essentially family politics, there’s almost certainly a massive psychological backstory on the cousin’s part. People like her who see themselves as ‘sensitive’ (though strangely enough, not to other people’s feelings) have a tendency to grab the centre of attention. The OP’s best bet is just to leave the cousin alone as far as possible. Keep interactions brief, bland and functional. That way the cousin has no fodder to work with, and may be forced to find someone else to get offended by.

I agree @ThomasinaGallico.
I assume people might ask if DD will be doing a masters as she did very well in her degree, and as it is a STEM degree it wouldn't be wrong to assume that she would.

She sounds like a loon. You asked a complimentary question, is he doing a masters to show interest. i.e. you think he's clever enough to go onto further study. I guess if you try hard enough you could twist that into
something offensive, bit like when you say someone looks nice today, they interpret to mean they look shit the rest of the time, instead of just accepting the compliment, but its their issue not yours.
The other stuff you describe, further reinforces that she's not fully functioning, so I would just ignore her.

I think it was ill thought out on your part and yes could be seen as rude.

To be honest I wouldnt have said anything to you like that but would have thought 'ffs,let's enjoy the moment!'
I think you were probably not rude, just annoying.

Weren’t rude at all.

Part of the reason why I asked is because in the past he had spoke about potentially doing a masters degree.

I’m not apologising though. I only apologise for things if I was wrong or hurtful which I don’t see how I could be anywhere close to that in this situation, I congratulated her son and asked a reasonable question, how evil of me.

Quite frankly, she needs to catch a grip and stop being a snowflake. She must feel extremely fatigued all the time if she gets offended at every single thing.

She should be apologising to me for being so rude and sharp when all I was doing was sending a nice congratulatory message.

I do like her, but I find her behaviour really odd sometimes and it is starting to make me go off her, I don’t think I’ll bother with her as much now.

Another ridiculous situation (nothing to do with me or my family, it was her neighbour) was when her neighbour went on a short weekend break somewhere and didn’t tell her, because apparently she should have been told, not like her and her neighbour are joint at the hip or anything!

it was a few years ago now but it sticks out in my mind. I remember she was absolutely furious that they didn’t tell her they were going away and that she “questioned them about it” when they returned and didn’t speak to them for 3 months.

She can be shocking at times.

I think you could have phrased it better:

Wow, congratulations to ds, fantastic achievement. What’s he planning next?

I guess you were just making conversation than anything else. It's something I would say.

Her response was massively OTT and childish.

Maybe some backstory you don't know about (can't think what though).