Was I (unintentionally) rude?

[curiousitygotthebetterofme]

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

i disagree. Doesn’t take the shine off at all. It was just a question.

Isn't conversation usually a 2 way thing?

Oh Charlie finished his degree, got a first

Congrats

THE END

that seems pretty abrupt to me? You'd post sone follow up comment if it's a 2 way chat over WhatsApp or real life.

Yes. Hence why I did say congratulations. It is not offensive to ask someone what their next plans are or ask if they intend to do a masters. It’s just a reasonable question.

I think you have only posted this clearly to seek validation for your passive aggressive response. You are well aware of this! The title suggests you want other views but you don't... so not sure of the point of the thread for you in terms of genuine thought and reflection.

You seem to think he and your cousin should be thinking their next step but you yourself seem very stuck and not able to do the same when thought and reflection is suggested 🤔

I was curious if you or your children have masters but see you say you don’t.

I think she overreacted but I do think it wasn’t the best thing. It’s better to ask what someone is going to do next and leave for them and not to offer suggestions.

Shes the one in the wrong, you were asking a normal question.

Nonsense.

”passive aggressive” I congratulated her son, my second cousin, on his success and asked if he may be doing a masters, because master degrees exist and a lot of people do do them after their ungrads, right?

you make it sound like I’ve said something absolutely horrendous. lol.

It’s fine o/p.

she could easily have said no, he’s had enough of education, he’s going to do x/y/z, without any of the drama.

it’s no difference to saying to someone who’s passed a’levels “oh well done, what’s next? Off to uni?”

perfectly normal thing to say IMO and absolutely no need for her response.

^ this!

I was so confused and a bit hurt at her sharp and quite nasty response.

I meant no harm and was asking a question, innocently.

OP: "was I wrong?"
Quite a few people: "yeah you were wrong"
OP: "no I wasn't"

Cracks me up when OPs do this

@SunshineAndFizzlol oh I know. I wasn’t wrong though. She made me feel as though I was and i asked on here to try and see what people thought, doesn’t mean it will change my mind.

I would have taken your comment in one of two ways if you’d said it to me. If he was off to do a masters, I would have said “yes, he is! We’re so proud of him”. If he wasn’t, I would have said “LOL, no, definitely had enough of studying. He’s off to get a job now.”
Or something along those lines. I can’t see how your comment was insensitive.

Sweet Baby James. There was absolutely nothing rude about what you said: it's called 'making conversation' and it's a fairly well-known societal construct. You might say to someone who has just got their A level results - 'So what next? University? A gap year; do some travelling? Or will you get a job?' And that wouldn't be rude either.

She sounds incredibly brittle. Although in fairness, she's not the only one.

Do you have children, OP?
Has there been competitive parenting?

Exactly!! Or to someone who has just got their GCSEs: are you staying on for sixth form? college? Or getting a job?

You DIDN'T just ask what he was doing next though...Congratulations would have been enough...

Yes I have children.

no there has never been. I have always been very proud of her DCs achievements and she has always been proud of my DCs successes.

We never try to make our children look better than the other. She just can be really OTT and bizarre at times.

I agree with this. You might not have meant it this way but that's how I would have interpreted it too.

You clearly unintentionally hit a nerve, perhaps there is an aspect to your relationship that is competitive or she feels inferior to you in some ways and this has blown out of proportion because of this. Easiest way to solve is to text “hey I’m really sorry if I offended you with my poorly worded message, his degree is a brilliant achievement and getting into a grad role is a fantastic idea for his next step! I never meant to imply that he needed a masters, I was just typing quickly and didn’t realise how my message could be construed. Please forgive me”

Ah but @Mother87, OP won’t hear it. Her thread title asks if she has been unintentionally rude but she goes on to make it clear that no is the only acceptable response.

OP is tone deaf in more than one way.

So I asked if he was going back to uni to do a masters? Wow, that’s so awful.

what if I had said he must go do a masters because an undergrad isn’t enough. She’s the one making assumptions.

I wouldn't have found that rude at all!

Yes that's kind if the point.....you didn't say oh is he doing a Masters? Getting a Job? As others have said that would be fine and you are agreed as if this somehow backs up your point!.

That's noy what you said though.

I’m not. I wanted to see what people think as her response made me think I was for a second - I know that some people think it was rude but I personally don’t.

People asked me this question when I graduated and I wasn’t offended.