Page 9 | Was I (unintentionally) rude?

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 2022-07-24T17:44:46+00:00

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday. I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?” She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??” Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it? that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

saraclara · 26/07/2022 10:37

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 09:53

DM just text me to tell me she rang her and started badmouthing about me. DM just rolled her eyes.

Charming. So your mother lets her get away with this stuff too? She does no more than roll her eyes when this woman bad mouths her daughter?

You say that your mother treats her niece no differently from her own children. Well is about time she did.

Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 10:40

No my DM told her that she isn’t being fair and doesn’t want to hear what she has to say. She put the phone down on DM.

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notacooldad · 26/07/2022 10:44

No my DM told her that she isn’t being fair and doesn’t want to hear what she has to say. She put the phone down on DM
It's just drama central in your family.
Your mum shouldnt have said so etbinf to you, at least nit yet and certainly not by text. All it's doing is causing more of a fall out between you and her and your mother is adding fuel.
Ridiculous!

Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 10:48

notacooldad · 26/07/2022 10:44

No my DM told her that she isn’t being fair and doesn’t want to hear what she has to say. She put the phone down on DM
It's just drama central in your family.
Your mum shouldnt have said so etbinf to you, at least nit yet and certainly not by text. All it's doing is causing more of a fall out between you and her and your mother is adding fuel.
Ridiculous!

I know. Myself and my DM are very close so there’s no way she wouldn’t tell me.

It is somewhat stressful. And it’s all because I congratulated her son on his degree and asked if he was doing a masters. It’s all been blown out of proportion and it’s all on my cousin.

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saraclara · 26/07/2022 11:29

All you and your mum had to say was that it was intended as a compliment because you know how able he is. You're proud of him and think that the sky's the limit for him.

Just ranting at her isn't going to put a stop to any of this. You had a perfectly good and honest explanation for what you said, but you haven't bothered using it to defuse the situation. Why not?

RiverSkater · 26/07/2022 11:36

Just walk away. Would you have a friend like this? No. Establish firm boundaries.

No need to put up with this kind of behaviour just because they are family. She's crossed too many lines and seems to get off on being slighted and drama.

No not engage further. And walk from this thread as it's just fuelling your own fire.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 26/07/2022 14:38

It’s all been blown out of proportion and it’s all on my cousin.

She made it clear that she was unhappy about what you have said by blocking. Then you texted her, and when she told you the reason why she was upset, instead of apologising, or explaining that you said what you said because of the comment her dc made to you, you told her she was being silly.

Yeah, it's all her fault.

Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 15:10

saraclara · 26/07/2022 11:29

All you and your mum had to say was that it was intended as a compliment because you know how able he is. You're proud of him and think that the sky's the limit for him.

Just ranting at her isn't going to put a stop to any of this. You had a perfectly good and honest explanation for what you said, but you haven't bothered using it to defuse the situation. Why not?

messaged cousin about an hour ago and said I really am not sure what is going on, but if I have offended you for some reason as not sure what I said that was so wrong then sorry about that as that is not what I meant but no need for all this nonsense you are creating.

she replied and said she doesn’t care and said she won’t be meeting me for coffee next week any longer.

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Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 15:11

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 26/07/2022 14:38

It’s all been blown out of proportion and it’s all on my cousin.

She made it clear that she was unhappy about what you have said by blocking. Then you texted her, and when she told you the reason why she was upset, instead of apologising, or explaining that you said what you said because of the comment her dc made to you, you told her she was being silly.

Yeah, it's all her fault.

Yeah it is her fault. I can’t see what I said was so wrong.

why on earth would I feel at fault when I only congratulated her son and asked if he was doing a masters? Not something to get upset about.

clearly she should give her head a shake and grow a thicker skin if that’s all it takes to upset her.

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Hawkins001 · 26/07/2022 15:36

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 15:11

Yeah it is her fault. I can’t see what I said was so wrong.

why on earth would I feel at fault when I only congratulated her son and asked if he was doing a masters? Not something to get upset about.

clearly she should give her head a shake and grow a thicker skin if that’s all it takes to upset her.

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I think it's when yes x person could be seen as being a pickle so.to speak, but sometimes when you point it out e.g. That they are e.g. Making a mountain etc, sometimes it does not bode well. And can cause more offence than the original offence so to speak. Yes you may be in the right, but that does not mean they will stress or see your perspectives. And even if they realised you were right, they could still out of pride, not build bridges.

Hawkins001 · 26/07/2022 15:38

Think of it like Sheldon Cooper, from the big bang theory, and he criticises someone, yes usually he is correct and does not intend to be rude, but it still does not make the other person impressed with his comment

notacooldad · 26/07/2022 15:46

why on earth would I feel at fault when I only congratulated her son and asked if he was doing a masters? Not something to get upset about
Often it is not what you say, it is how and when you say it.
Also context is everything. We've only your take on things but people don't just get stressed over nothing. Maybe something has been brewing for years, maybe she feels you've always got to push things a bit, I don't know.
It's like that nonsense a few years ago when Sally Bercow just tweeted something seemingly innocuous but there was a hidden dig, or knowing comment behind the tweet (#innocent face)
I'm not going to say you are innocent in all this or she is a pain. No one knows the characters of this story to comment really.

ThomasinaGallico · 26/07/2022 15:46

Honestly OP, MN is just nuts sometimes as well.

Just walk away.

Bindayagain · 26/07/2022 15:50

Has Op answered if she (or her dc) have postgraduate qualifications? Or if she is seen as being richer/in a better job than her cousin? As the comment about the masters could be seen as snobby, depending on previous behaviour of the person saying it. It sounds a bit Hyacinth Bucket to me.

Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 15:54

Bindayagain · 26/07/2022 15:50

Has Op answered if she (or her dc) have postgraduate qualifications? Or if she is seen as being richer/in a better job than her cousin? As the comment about the masters could be seen as snobby, depending on previous behaviour of the person saying it. It sounds a bit Hyacinth Bucket to me.

No I don’t have a postgrad nor do my DC and I am not poor but not rich either just like her.

Never been any competition and I don’t brag about my dc and make them look better than anyone else’s dc.

She has obviously took offence at my comment for some weird reason but I didn’t apologise for what I said as I see nothing wrong with what I said, instead I have apologised that she feels that way as that’s on her. She chose to be offended by something that really is not offensive at all.

She’s getting on as if I’ve said her DS has done really badly in his degree.

OP posts:

saraclara · 26/07/2022 16:01

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 15:54

No I don’t have a postgrad nor do my DC and I am not poor but not rich either just like her.

Never been any competition and I don’t brag about my dc and make them look better than anyone else’s dc.

She has obviously took offence at my comment for some weird reason but I didn’t apologise for what I said as I see nothing wrong with what I said, instead I have apologised that she feels that way as that’s on her. She chose to be offended by something that really is not offensive at all.

She’s getting on as if I’ve said her DS has done really badly in his degree.

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You don't have to apologise. Of course you don't. But you could have explained calmly why you said what you did, rather than kicking off at her. You're both just inflaming things now.

I don't understand why you (or your mum) haven't simply said "I think there's been a misunderstanding. I asked that because he'd talked about doing a masters and know that he's really capable of it. I'm very proud of him. And I'll be proud of him whatever he does next"

She was daft and she way overreacted. But you've chosen not to resolve this when you easily could have done. So I can only assume that you like the drama too.

Bindayagain · 26/07/2022 16:09

Ok well that's my theory out the window, I thought she felt you were putting down his achievement. At any point have you just asked her why she is offended?
Maybe send a congratulations card to the young man, as goodness knows what he is hearing!

ThreeRingCircus · 26/07/2022 16:11

saraclara · 26/07/2022 16:01

You don't have to apologise. Of course you don't. But you could have explained calmly why you said what you did, rather than kicking off at her. You're both just inflaming things now.

I don't understand why you (or your mum) haven't simply said "I think there's been a misunderstanding. I asked that because he'd talked about doing a masters and know that he's really capable of it. I'm very proud of him. And I'll be proud of him whatever he does next"

She was daft and she way overreacted. But you've chosen not to resolve this when you easily could have done. So I can only assume that you like the drama too.

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This is spot on. You could easily have calmly explained and not exacerbated the situation. Her behaviour is ridiculous but when someone is being ridiculous they aren't in the best frame of mind to hear that they're being silly. You could have been the bigger person and explained what you had meant by your question.....at this point you (and your mum) are just adding to all the drama! It's a load of nonsense over nothing but it's telling that you haven't calmly shut it down.....

HumunaHey · 26/07/2022 16:22

I'm starting to think this is a wind up now. Why have you messaged her AGAIN?Why do you insist on giving updates to berate her character?

Original poster

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 26/07/2022 16:38

HumunaHey · 26/07/2022 16:22

I'm starting to think this is a wind up now. Why have you messaged her AGAIN?Why do you insist on giving updates to berate her character?

I am giving examples of some of the bizarre things she says/does so that people on here can see it’s not me being ridiculous.

I have told her that I didn’t mean anything offensive and that I’m not sure where she got that idea from.

Im leaving it there now and won’t be contacting her again. She may get in touch with me when she calms down but I won’t be bothering until then

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saraclara · 26/07/2022 16:47

I have told her that I didn’t mean anything offensive and that I’m not sure where she got that idea from.

That's very different from explaining to her what you DID mean.

I had every sympathy with you at the beginning of this thread, but you're completely ignoring the fact that you could have resolved this quite easily but have chosen not to. Nor have you explained why you DIDN'T tell her why you asked that.

thegcatsmother · 26/07/2022 19:55

Lots of ds's cohort at University went on to do an Masters including ds. It's a perfectly normal question. I asked ds if he was planning to do a Doctorate after his MA, but he wanted a break from studying by then.

Three postgraduates in my household, and none of us would take a question like that amiss.