Was I (unintentionally) rude?

[curiousitygotthebetterofme]

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

It's like if someone lost a load of weight and you said "that's great, congratulations, I'm really happy for you. Are you planning on losing more?"

I dont get the big deal a lot nearly 50% of my class year went on to do their masters straight after their degree so to me it sounds like a genuine normal question yhe friends a weirdo

There’s nothing wrong with your message.

Is this person usually rude/find managing their emotions difficult or is there something going on in the background?

I also suspect that you may have done something similar before OP, it's fine to just leave it at 'well done' and celebrate the achievement, rather than immediately moving on to the next thing.

You were having a chat - she was over sensitive.

I have recently decided I no longer tip toe around people like this.

if your friend wants to take offence she can. You can’t control how she chooses to interpret what you say.

a true friend doesn’t see the worst in every comment. That is her issue not yours.

Yes, actually. When it was my DMothers birthday (her aunt) we arranged a birthday present for her. I paid more money into it than she did. I said I would present it to mum at her birthday dinner given that she is my mother (cousin was present at the dinner anyway)

she huffed with me for weeks as she accused me of implying that she I am more to my DMother than she is.

complete nonsense

That I mean more to my Dmother*

I’m guessing this is the latest in a series of insensitive comments and your cousin has had enough.

Should have just said congratulations, that’s fantastic, well done.

But why shouldn’t I ask what he is doing next? It’s taking an interest and making conversation.

Not true.

regardless, she overreacted. I did say congratulations and acknowledged he had done well

I mean she sounds like hard work op. But if she's your cousin and you love her, maybe send a text saying,

"Hey, didn't mean to upset you. I'm just super proud of my clever nephew & was just wondering if he has any plans next. Love you guys Xxx"

The thing with your mum is also really tedious! She sounds overly sensitive for whatever reason.

No I don’t think you were rude. It was a compliment iE he is very bright and did so well that he might be considering a masters.
Take no notice

A lot depends upon the subject but indeed, it could sound as if you consider him to be very academic. I can't really imagine why doing a masters in something would validate a degree, or add more weight to it.

Do you have a masters OP? Perhaps she thinks you don’t value the degree much ( whatever your intention). The birthday thing is weird though… I would probably only buy a joint present with siblings not extended family members. I think she just enjoys being offended.

Another one, not that long ago actually, I was driving home and drove past her house. Sometimes I take a different route home if it’s quicker and it means I drive by her house.

she must have seen my car go by and then texted me and asked why I went past her house and didn’t call in and called me ignorant!

I was on my way home after a long day at work and not as if I don’t see her often enough anyway!

No I don’t have a masters.

I was simply just asking as I was interested in what he was doing, if he was staying at uni, that was all.

He is very bright and clever. He is academically gifted so I was indirectly complimenting him.

But of course a grad job is great and I applaud him for trying to find a job. I wish him good luck

You haven't been rude in the slightest.

It comes across a bit like you think is a degree is good, but not quite good enough. I know you say you didn't mean it that way though.

If someone achieves something, the right way to respond is "Congratulations!" not "Congratulations - are you going to do this more difficult/worthy thing now?"

Yes you were rude.

Your message was inappropriate. You should have just congratulated the DS and left it at that.

Not rude at all, asking what his next plans were is general chit chat from an interested relative. If you’d said ‘are they getting a job?’ I’m sure she’d have been equally offended! And yes lots of graduates go onto get a masters and yes it does add weight to their eligibility for jobs, particularly in certain subjects/careers!

She sounds nuts.

Around 50% of my law undergrad class last year were applying for masters.

It's a common next step for lots of careers now.

Bet she’d been waiting all day for something to be offended by.
You made her day.

Wow; I'm surprised at those that would find your message rude. It sounds like a perfectly normal thing to say and I'd think someone who had the response your cousin did had a massive chip on their shoulder. Don't give it another thought.