Was I (unintentionally) rude?

[curiousitygotthebetterofme]

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

I think all your follow-up comment about a Masters does, OP, is suggest a greater interest in the subject than a simple 'Congratulations' might - I'd actually think you weren't very interested and were therefore trying to foreshorten the conversation if you did that.

To answer your question, you were unintentionally rude. Asking about the masters made it rude and could come across as though the original achievement wasn't good enough. It's frustrating to some people when they achieve one thing and people focus on the next, like when a couple gets married and aren't down the aisle before people are asking them about kids... "what's next" is fine as he could be doing anything, taking a break, travelling, working, studying... It continues the convo, it shows interest... Adding in the "masters?" made it unintentionally rude in my opinion!

It’s like asking someone who has just passed their driving test if they are going to get a car, unless there was some really obvious reason why they wouldn’t or couldn’t buy a car.

That’s essentially what I was doing tbh. I love taking an interest in what my family are doing with their lives.

im not the kind to just not show any interest in their career/education.

No, it’s not. It’s like asking someone who has just got a dream job what their next move will be.

I think some people on here are making it sound like I said something absolutely unforgivable and nasty.

If for some reason what I said was bad, then her response was even worse.

I'd read it that you were simply showing an interest in what their future plans were.

It wouldn't occur to me to be offended.

It's just chit chat.

Amazing. Your cousin made it clear she didn’t appreciate your clumsy congratulations and you respond even more rudely. You come on here to ask for feedback and ignore all but that which soothes your ego.
You’re not a fast learner, are you? No masters for you in diplomacy 😂

This, but 50% of my master's cohort had come straight from undergrad courses because they felt having a master's was the only way to boost their career chances.

I don't think what you said was rude in the slightest, and some of the replies here can be interpreted via the massive chip on the poster's shoulder. I think it's only natural to ask what his plans are. She'd probably be equally miffed if you'd just said "congratulations" and nothing else, because you hadn't shown an interest in his future. Damned whatever you do with people like this.

i should never have bothered being so nice and congratulating her!

Shes just being petty and ridiculous. Her response was rude. Not sure how my reply to her was rude??

Congratulating him*

You're not the issue! She's nuts. Be thankful she blocked you 🤣

You didn't ask for an opinion on her response. You asked if people thought you were unintentionally rude. Some people have said yes you were, some have said you weren't.... Don't really know why you are getting so defensive when people say you were unintentionally rude when you literally asked the question yourself??? Typical Mumsnet.
OP: Was I wrong?
P: Yes you were...
OP: Ok but here's why I think YOU are wrong...
Why bother posting?

Don’t think you were rude at all.

You say there’s no competitiveness between you and your children, maybe that is only on your side and she may feel differently. Do your children have masters degrees?

I think that whilst you may not have meant to, the way you phrased your message meant she had to respond to the question with a ‘negative’ whereas if you had just said, “how wonderful, he’s done so well, what will he do next?” she could have continued with the celebratory tone by enthusing about looking for a graduate position.

In her eyes you undermined his achievement by suggesting he could do more, rather than just acknowledging his degree as a fantastic achievement in itself. It changed the mood of the conversation and she clearly felt deflated.

Just texted her on iMessage to ask why she blocked me on WhatsApp and asked had I said or done anything that annoyed her as not sure why she blocked me.

she replied and said “you can take your fake congratulations and throw it in the bin.” And said that her MIL had asked the same question about whether her son was doing a masters or not and that she is fed up with people like us and told us to stop making her “baby” feel worthless.

I have replied and said I think you are being incredibly silly, I was only asking a reasonable question and that I’m not putting up with this nastiness for no reason and I have made it clear I won’t talk to her until she calms down.

No they don’t. I’ve never made my DC look better than hers. I just wouldn’t.

I actually asked my own DS if he was doing a postgrad when he first graduated a few years back! He didn’t take offence.

I think she massively overreacted. You were just basically asking what their plans were next and as for blocking you, that's extremely childish.

Yeah, sorry but I don't believe she called him her "baby".

Some people agree with you here and some don't but there's no need to overegg the pudding.

Just leave her be now.

I think that you, intentionally or unintentionally, undermined his achievement just as he had earned it. Congratulations would have done. Can you not see how the question straight off the bat if he was going to do a masters could have resulted in a 'no' response and subsequently resentment that you had somehow managed to turn the success into a failure?

Anyway, I already get that you can't see that. Your answer to other posters have highlighted that you are quite obtuse and pig headed, at least about this issue. I would otherwise have thought that your comment to your family member was genuinely not meant to cause offence but your replies on this thread since then have swung it, you definitely have form for negging your family.

I think only thing that really matters is that she clearly took offence. But you don't think so and think she's over reacting.
But tbh, more you comment, it really started to sound like you were actually rude, intentionally. It's clear you don't like her. So end of the day, does it matter if she blocked you?

A simple "congratulations to him" would have been a safer bet I suppose, not immediately jumping on to the next step.

However, I don't think you were actually rude and your cousin's response seems very ott to me, unless there is other background we don't know of.

I have to say that if anyone had asked me whether or not I was considering doing a masters after I had finished my own degree the answer would have been something like "Hell no. I'm done with academia and exams!" I'd then have left it at that. 🤣 No big deal.

Haha. Now controversially, the people I know who went on to do a masters after an undergrad degree only did it because they couldn't get a job. Those doing a masters out of choice signed up for one from the start.

It's a valid question.

Masters are needed more now, as everyone seems to have a first in their bachelors from some crappy former poly.

You mention you have children. Do any of them have a masters?

Some of the responses you’ve given come off as a bit sensitive and I wonder if you’re more like your cousin than you think.