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Original poster

Was I (unintentionally) rude?

222 replies

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 24/07/2022 18:44

My cousin’s DS recently graduated university and we were talking about it over WhatsApp yesterday.

I said something like “congratulations to him, he has done so well, what are his plans now? Masters Degree?”

She then replied and said something along the lines of “what do you mean Masters? No he is not going on to do a masters, he will be looking for graduate jobs. Why would you assume he will be going on to do a postgrad degree? He does not need to do a postgrad right now - or are you implying it isn’t good enough for him to not go on and do a masters??”

Surely I wasn’t being rude or making assumptions? I only asked what were his plans and if he was going on to do a masters degree, because I was genuinely interested! I don’t think it’s rude to ask, or is it?

that aside, I’m shocked by her response, so I replied bluntly and said “that’s ok, I was only asking!”

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 25/07/2022 07:34

You didn’t ask about next plans though, you gave a default which is odd. So your response was odd and then hers was ott. You are both odd it seems.

EspeciallyDeIighted · 25/07/2022 07:37

I don't think you were rude at all, but I'm not easily offended. It's just chat, showing an interest, lots do go on to do masters once they have graduated. Massive overreaction from her, I'd just let it go and step back for a while.

portinahurry · 25/07/2022 07:50

nbrown2022x · 24/07/2022 22:53

You're not the issue! She's nuts. Be thankful she blocked you 🤣

I agree with this. Some people are way too sensitive and like to make a mountain out of a molehill. She was rude to you, she sounds unhinged. Just ignore her.

portinahurry · 25/07/2022 07:52

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 24/07/2022 22:59

Just texted her on iMessage to ask why she blocked me on WhatsApp and asked had I said or done anything that annoyed her as not sure why she blocked me.

she replied and said “you can take your fake congratulations and throw it in the bin.” And said that her MIL had asked the same question about whether her son was doing a masters or not and that she is fed up with people like us and told us to stop making her “baby” feel worthless.

I have replied and said I think you are being incredibly silly, I was only asking a reasonable question and that I’m not putting up with this nastiness for no reason and I have made it clear I won’t talk to her until she calms down.

Sounds like you have given her an appropriate response. Well done.

Mamapep · 25/07/2022 07:53

It would irritate me a bit, yes. You didn't need to say ‘masters degree?’
You asked a question and gave an answer straight away, which sounds like it’s sneakily implying that that is what he SHOULD be doing.
It’s like saying ‘congratulations on getting married, what’s next? Kids?’ It’s sounds a bit like, ‘come on, on with the next bit’.

you could have written; ‘masters degree? Starting work?’ Would have been a bit better

redskyatnight · 25/07/2022 07:55

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 24/07/2022 22:43

It’s like asking someone who has just passed their driving test if they are going to get a car, unless there was some really obvious reason why they wouldn’t or couldn’t buy a car.

The correct response to someone passing their driving test is to say congratulations. You don't immediately jump to "are you buying a car" which signifies that you've already moved on in your head from them passing. Plus if they can't afford a car for whatever reason they may not want to explain this to you.

My mother does this all the time. It is really upsetting. Every single time I achieve something, she asks a question about the "next thing". Just for once, it would be nice if she could just stay in the moment.

To give you an example. I've just got a new job. She's not so much as said "well done" but launched straight into "and how long do you think you'll be in that job; what will you do after it". No, it's not rude, but it shows a complete lack of social awareness.

Mamapep · 25/07/2022 07:56

If she’s irritated enough to block you then tbh you probably have form for this / she’s found it irritating for a while.

RampantIvy · 25/07/2022 07:57

Maggit · 24/07/2022 18:46

It was a weird thing to presume on your part. I think I would have found it odd and a bit snooty that you'd think that the natural next step was postgraduate education.

Seriously @Maggit?
it's a perfectly reasonable question to ask. Are you always this touchy?

I'm surprised that so many mumsnetters think this is insensitive, and quite frankly, the cousin sounds like hard work, especially if she has blocked the OP for asking a perfectly normal question. Walking on eggshells round people like her sounds very tiring and irritating.

DD has just graduated, and I have had the same question, but instead of jumping down people's throats I have answered them.

ShahRukhKhan · 25/07/2022 07:58

People are mad. What you said wasnt remotely rude.

Vallmo47 · 25/07/2022 07:59

Based solely on the comment you made, I can understand she’s taken it to mean what her son has already achieved isn’t good enough, but I know you were only taking an interest. It’s the sort of pickle I sometimes find myself in to be honest. You’ve asked the question “Was I rude?” and my take is “Not rude, but now you’ve learned to leave it at Congratulations, you must be so incredibly proud of him!! Please send him my best wishes”.
You’ve shared many extra updates about occasions your friend has been rude however and I feel like the loss of this friendship shouldn’t be a big deal to you.

l do agree with posters who say it’s a bit off to ask a question and then argue their opinions. You clearly just wanted to bash this “friend” and not actually know if you were being unreasonable. You don’t think you are, so the end.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/07/2022 08:01

I think this thread is a handy guide to MNers who are looking to take offence at every imagined slight. It must be exhausting being so touchy.

op I wouldn’t even have thought for a second what they said was rude.

RampantIvy · 25/07/2022 08:05

I agree @BitOutOfPractice.
You usually require a 2.1 or a first to go on to do a masters, so if anything, it should be viewed as a compliment.

I can't get over how many posters on this thread find it so easy to feel offended.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/07/2022 08:13

I wouldn’t have thought what you said was rude, sorry!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 25/07/2022 08:17

I think your question was odd tbh and there is a danger of it sounding like an undergrad degree is not really that impressive or the right place to stop

LookItsMeAgain · 25/07/2022 08:25

Maggit · 24/07/2022 18:46

It was a weird thing to presume on your part. I think I would have found it odd and a bit snooty that you'd think that the natural next step was postgraduate education.

Where was the OP's presumption? She was just asking a question and the first option that she put forward was to continue in education - it's not presumptuous to query that.

@curiousitygotthebetterofme - you weren't rude. If you got the reply back to your question that you posted in your opening message, whoever delivered that reply to you was being rude. Very rude.

Kanaloa · 25/07/2022 08:26

I mean judging by your performance on this thread you do sound rude to be honest. Maybe she’s fed up of you. Generally if you realise you’ve offended someone you just say ‘ah sorry I never meant it like that you know I’m so proud of Charlie and everything he’s done.’ Or if someone wants to present a gift they’ve helped pay for you say ‘shall we all give it together rather than just me?’ But you don’t want to accept that you might have been rude so why ask?

LookItsMeAgain · 25/07/2022 08:33

She is doolally! Completely and utterly doolally!

Her own MiL asked the same question and probably got the same response from her. FFS.

As for the birthday present situation - the fact that your mother gave birth to you and not her, of course you are going to be closer to your mother. Did she have a weird upbringing where she wasn't close to her mother or parents at all? (going on a tangent here but she isn't coming across very well with all of the posts)

hareandrabbit · 25/07/2022 08:34

Nope wasn’t being ‘snooty’ was just asking as some people do go on to do post grad degrees.

But the vast majority go on to get jobs. I can see how she may have thought you were somehow minimising his degree, but her reaction is way over the top.

Out of interest do you have a masters? If you do, I think it may have added to her aggravation.

SomePosters · 25/07/2022 08:45

You were socially insensitive but you clearly don’t care and didn’t come here to learn.

It’s been explained patiently that it would have been better to end you sentence two words earlier and leave the question open ended, it’s been explained that immediately asking what next is often perceived as minimising the achievement

All your interested in is bitching about her response with no drive to understand the behaviour you exhibited that got that response

glad you’re not my friend.

RampantIvy · 25/07/2022 08:52

You were socially insensitive but you clearly don’t care and didn’t come here to learn.

No she wasn't. She really wasn't. You sound over sensitive and easy to offend TBH.

RampantIvy · 25/07/2022 08:53

I don't even have a degree let alone a masters BTW.

saraclara · 25/07/2022 09:00

There was absolutely nothing wrong with what you said, and I'm astonished that some people here thought it rude.

He is very bright and clever. He is academically gifted so I was indirectly complimenting him.

And that's exactly how I'd have taken it had I been asked the question when my kids graduated. Actually I'm as sure as I can be that people DID ask me that question, and that I did! Basically they were saying that my kids were high achievers. How can that be rude?

TiredYorkshireMam · 25/07/2022 09:02

You say you weren't making assumptions, but you were.

You could just ask what his plans are next. You don't need to make suggestions / assumptions.

I agree it sounds a bit like you think the degree alone isn't good enough.

When someone achieves something, just celebrate it. You don't need to challenge them on what they are going to achieve next.

I'm sure you meant well, but I think I would feel a bit deflated if I were your friend.

It's like she's saying "yay, A!" And you're saying "what about B?"

saraclara · 25/07/2022 09:06

To be honest I'd just have answered her with "it was a compliment, for goodness' sake!"

BogRollBOGOF · 25/07/2022 09:08

It's becoming increasingly common to do a masters so it's not an outrageous question.

With marriage/ children, there doesn't have to be a "what next", life can continue. On graduating, there is. Graduates rarely sit in the grounds of their university in their gown and motarboard living in the moment of their glory, in the real world there is a next stage be it work or study and there is no standing still.

She sounds like one of those tediously over-dramatic people lurching from onr petty offense to another. Enjoy the peace!