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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
SalsaLove · 28/02/2022 16:29

If you can spare any money he’d probably appreciate that most of all. In my experience 21 year olds like a bit of shopping!

SalsaLove · 28/02/2022 16:29

Or give him some spending money for his holiday?

Viviennemary · 28/02/2022 16:30

That is so thoughtless of these people under the circumstances. There was no need to book it the exact week. Iwould give them the cold shoulder for the foreseeable future. Including the gf.

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Events & celebrations
Zero19 · 28/02/2022 16:31

Is he travelling abroad ? Will he want to take extra stuff with him , cakes etc will be squashed ?
Maybe ask what hotel and see if you can order a nice bottle of something for his room to celebrate themselves ?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/02/2022 16:31

Definitely money.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:32

@Viviennemary

That is so thoughtless of these people under the circumstances. There was no need to book it the exact week. Iwould give them the cold shoulder for the foreseeable future. Including the gf.
Tempting as it is, that's hardly likely to improve my life.
OP posts:
Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:33

No, the holiday is in UK, he'll be driving.

He has a good and quite expensive present that the wants and will be very pleased with, this is just a "little" extra as I won't be there to give him his actual present on the day or to celebrate with him.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/02/2022 16:33

The money is a good idea! I'm sorry GF's DM has been so insensitive, and sorry for your loss. Giving him your blessing and rising above is probably the best plan at this stage, and it sounds like you're doing that. When DS is older, he'll probably realise how insensitive MIL has been, and appreciate your calmness in the face of insensitivity even more Flowers

gogohm · 28/02/2022 16:35

@DetailMouse

I know it's seems very pushy of her mum but she probably thought she was doing a good thing and it would be easier for him to not be at home because of loosing his dad. I missed my DD's 21st due to the other wag around, I was on holiday, I still feel a bit guilty but ultimately they are adults

SoManyTshirts · 28/02/2022 16:35

Sympathy … my DDs BF insisted on taking her to lunch for her 18th in very similar circumstances. I’d been plotting the expensive lunch I’d been going to treat her to for ages and we ended up in the pub.

It smarts much more than it should. I’d make him a happy birthday video from his loved ones at home, with a heavy hint to FaceTime.

Viviennemary · 28/02/2022 16:36

I know what you mean. But really annoyed on your behalf.

Roystonv · 28/02/2022 16:37

Bless you, I would feel just as you do so well done for still putting him first. He might not show it but you will be missed on the day. What about some sort of 'stocking filler' type presents to open or relevant to what he will be doing or where they are going, an excursion type thing on the day? Do nag (!) for face time and lots of photos of the day so you feel as part of it as possible.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 28/02/2022 16:39

If it is the UK, how far away is it?
Could you drive there on the day if his birthday and join them all for a meal?

Honestly, I would message the mum and say, "I know you'd tried to do something really nice but we lost his dad recently and it hasnt been easy. I would have liked to be with my son on his 21st birthday so I'll be joining you for that day and dinner/lunch/whatever."

And just talk to your son. Tell him you're upset and want to see him so can you drive down for a birthday lunch.

Sazza26xx · 28/02/2022 16:40

I can understand why you're upset, it's insensitive, she probably meant well but should have not put you or your son in that position x

Sorry for your loss x

jytdtysrht · 28/02/2022 16:40

You could take him out the week before for dinner or whatever he likes, give him some spending money? I can see how you feel though.

pliss · 28/02/2022 16:43

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

If it is the UK, how far away is it? Could you drive there on the day if his birthday and join them all for a meal?

Honestly, I would message the mum and say, "I know you'd tried to do something really nice but we lost his dad recently and it hasnt been easy. I would have liked to be with my son on his 21st birthday so I'll be joining you for that day and dinner/lunch/whatever."

And just talk to your son. Tell him you're upset and want to see him so can you drive down for a birthday lunch.

This!

Hugely insensitive of the GF’s family.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 16:43

At 21 he can do what he likes but I actually think that’s a really shitty thing for the mum to do. If he or his girlfriend would have booked it, fine, but I think she’s been really thoughtless. If any mum books something, then it should be his own. She could at least have checked if you had any plans. Is this a one off incident or is she someone that likes to be in the middle of things?

Anyway, I think cash is always nice at that age. Are you thinking along the lines of a keepsake? Or just any present?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 28/02/2022 16:45

If he marries this girl, this will be the future. All soecialt occasions will be booked to exclude you.

Speak up now.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/02/2022 16:46

Is it just ds and the gf going?

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2022 16:46

Id be driving to the holiday destination on his birthday and taking him and his gf for a slap up meal

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 16:46

Just seen you said it just a small present. What’s he interested in? How about a t shirt with 2001 on, there’s some nice slogan ones, my son always appreciates a t shirt.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:47

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

If it is the UK, how far away is it? Could you drive there on the day if his birthday and join them all for a meal?

Honestly, I would message the mum and say, "I know you'd tried to do something really nice but we lost his dad recently and it hasnt been easy. I would have liked to be with my son on his 21st birthday so I'll be joining you for that day and dinner/lunch/whatever."

And just talk to your son. Tell him you're upset and want to see him so can you drive down for a birthday lunch.

U could do both if those things but from DS1's POV I'll have spoiled something else was looking forward to. He doesn't want his mum gatecrashing their romantic holiday. GF's parents aren't going. He's probably glad not to have the fact his dad is missing right in his face too.
OP posts:
Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:50

@BuyDirt

At 21 he can do what he likes but I actually think that’s a really shitty thing for the mum to do. If he or his girlfriend would have booked it, fine, but I think she’s been really thoughtless. If any mum books something, then it should be his own. She could at least have checked if you had any plans. Is this a one off incident or is she someone that likes to be in the middle of things?

Anyway, I think cash is always nice at that age. Are you thinking along the lines of a keepsake? Or just any present?

Yes she absolutely has to be involved in every detail of her daughter's life. She and her DH were very good to DS when Dh died and they appear fond of him, but I know she does get on GF's nerves. I'm stepping back and being the reliable one who's there when needed but only when asked. I'm not going to try and compete with her. Making a fuss about it and spoiling the fun isn't going to help me.
OP posts:
Crunched · 28/02/2022 16:50

I would find it impossible to not let my DS see how upset I was, albeit not the best way to behave I'm sure.
I agree that, if you are financially able, driving up on the day and meeting for a meal would not only highlight to your DS what a significant day his 21st is to you (and would have been for his Dad, who you also represent) and maybe make the self-centred GF and her thoughtless Mother consider your feelings in future.

Imissmoominmama · 28/02/2022 16:50

I wouldn’t tell him, or the mum, that you’re upset, I’d just ask whether they’re having a special lunch/dinner that day and say you’d like to surprise him there, as it’s his 21st- a special birthday.

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