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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 28/02/2022 16:52

Some favorite snacks, and maybe a pack of condoms!

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:52

So all the people who think I should travel up and join them, you'd be delighted if MIL gatecrashed your romantic birthday dinner/holiday? Grin

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 28/02/2022 16:53

Oh, OP. I misunderstood.

I thought the mum had booked a family holiday and was taking your son. You said she thinks she is best friends with her daugher; I thought that meant she had booked something for all of them.

If it is just a couple thing for him and his gf then of course you cant go. I didnt mean that!

Sorry. My post is nonsense now because it makes no sense if it is a couples weekend. Ignore me!

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Events & celebrations
Zilla1 · 28/02/2022 16:56

Sorry to hear about your DP OP and this news. That is, at best, thoroughly thoughtless and possibly heartless. Hope you have something you can do on the day to remember the joy the birth hopefully brought you and your DP.

If you can just give a gift and avoid gatecrashing the event or otherwise spoiling it then you deserve mum of the year 2022.

If you still need a suggestion then depending on budget, a watch or cufflinks or something that might mean something more in decades than any tech or ephemeral present that might cost now.

Good luck.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:59

I'm just looking for ideas for bits to go in the box. I have a main present that I'm pleased with and that I'm sure he will love

OP posts:
AluminumMonster · 28/02/2022 17:00

I think it was thoughtless without consulting you, your DS will love it, that's the main thing.

What about a small photo book that fits in the box, doesn't need to be big.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 17:00

Yes she absolutely has to be involved in every detail of her daughter's life. She and her DH were very good to DS when Dh died and they appear fond of him, but I know she does get on GF's nerves. I'm stepping back and being the reliable one who's there when needed but only when asked. I'm not going to try and compete with her. Making a fuss about it and spoiling the fun isn't going to help me.

I think you sound like the perfect mum. You’re right to not compete. But I actually feel quite angry for you reading your posts. He’s your son and you’ve had a difficult time recently. I know her ‘type’, I don’t get on with them at all and it can be very difficult watching them try to take over and centre themselves in everything.

You’ll always be his mum though and he’ll appreciate you letting him live his life. These sort of mums can actually break up relationships, it gets very draining.

Again, you sound bloody lovely and I hope you get to mark your sons birthday before or after, in a way you and your son would like. Is there anything you could do on the day, just to mark that you gave birth to him on that day 21 years ago? Only if you’d like to do something obviously.

Blogblogblogblog · 28/02/2022 17:02

I think it is great you are not letting him see how upset you were/are. He is excited and you are putting him first.
Could you get a pair of well packaged champagne/beer glasses for them to open? Wherever they are staying may not have these?

Georgeskitchen · 28/02/2022 17:02

What a shame she didn't see fit to check with you first to make sure you hadn't planned something similar. I think your son should be having a think about how he would feel about having her as a MIL, should the relationship go down the marriage route. How much is she going to be present in their marriage?

Mustreadabook · 28/02/2022 17:02

I seem to be in the minority here, but I’m sure doing something special the week before or after will be just as good a celebration. Especially since you said that it is just with his gf and boy here parents, it is a grown up romantic holiday. At 21 I was at uni and certainly I didn’t go home in the middle of term for my birthday, probably I did see my parents at a convenient weekend but not on the day. He is grown up.

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/02/2022 17:02

You sound like you have your head screwed on, OP. Please don't drive up and surprise them as pp's have suggested. He is an adult. Many 21 year olds won't spend their 21st with their parents - they've moved away for work or university.
Glad the MIL isn't going with them!
The box of surprises sounds lovely and if you have a separate gift don't think it needs anything else.
A meal out or his favourite homecooked when they return would be lovely and low key.
Flowers for the loss of your dh.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:03

@Georgeskitchen

What a shame she didn't see fit to check with you first to make sure you hadn't planned something similar. I think your son should be having a think about how he would feel about having her as a MIL, should the relationship go down the marriage route. How much is she going to be present in their marriage?
My dad keeps saying "you need to look at her mum, they all turn into their mums" Grin
OP posts:
Mustreadabook · 28/02/2022 17:04

Ps I think you are entirely doing the right thing not letting him know you are upset. Have a lovely meal out the week after or before, before maybe if you want to beat the gf to it!

Hello1290 · 28/02/2022 17:04

Some savoury snacks

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 28/02/2022 17:05

I completely agree with your approach. Take the moral high ground and don’t be the crazy parent. Parenthood is about accepting you won’t be there for all the big days, and just being happy with what you get! I’m not saying be a doormat, I’m saying that you can arrange your own celebration when he gets back, and start now with the habit of ensuring that however he chooses to celebrate big occasions, there just be space and time for you to get your own little event with him.

Wait till kids come along or they move far away - there’s a lot of compromise to be had for both sets of in laws - an understanding non-dramatic parent will be really really valued!

LosingTheWill2022 · 28/02/2022 17:05

Oh god I feel outraged on your behalf @DetailMouse. That is incredibly overstepping the mark.
I take my hat off to you for your restraint and agree that simply behaving impeccably, not making anyone feel awkward is the best way. Your ds will know and in the long run he (and probably his gf too) will value your loving but respectful relationship so much more.
Flowers
His birthday will be a difficult day for you without your dh. Could you plan something nice to do with a good friend or family?

Gazorpazorp · 28/02/2022 17:05

Food for the box! Fancy cheese and crackers or something. Posh food basically. Most young men I know love food above almost anything else.

Fwiw, you sound like an absolutely cracking mum, putting your son first and reacting sensibly to a very difficult situation.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 17:06

My dad keeps saying "you need to look at her mum, they all turn into their mums"

And now I think your dad is great too. 🤣

Drinkingallthewine · 28/02/2022 17:07

I'd let him go without mentioning anything , but I'd be fucking saying something to GF's mum very bluntly afterwards. Thoughtless cow.

Or else I'd book her DD and DS a romantic trip away on the DDs 21st and see how mummy likes that.

CheltenhamLady · 28/02/2022 17:08

I wouldn't make a fuss, but I would say could I drive up and treat them both to a posh lunch. That leaves them free in the evening to have a romantic Dinner.

That isn't encroaching on his holiday, but is marking that the day is special to you as well.

CallMeDaddy58 · 28/02/2022 17:08

@Viviennemary

That is so thoughtless of these people under the circumstances. There was no need to book it the exact week. Iwould give them the cold shoulder for the foreseeable future. Including the gf.
Yes I’m sure that’s exactly what her DS wants a year after losing his Dad. His Mum to give his girlfriend (whose done absolutely nothing wrong) the cold shoulder 🙄
kittensinthekitchen · 28/02/2022 17:09

@Viviennemary

That is so thoughtless of these people under the circumstances. There was no need to book it the exact week. Iwould give them the cold shoulder for the foreseeable future. Including the gf.
Did you miss the bit where the OP said her son was "delighted" and would rather a holiday than a meal with his mum?
AuntMargo · 28/02/2022 17:09

I am so annoyed on your behalf, what inconsiderate woman. I would let your son know how you feel, but on the same hand dont try and persuade him not to go, dont hide your feelings as this may be you're future if he stays with this girl for the long haul.

Rockmehardplace · 28/02/2022 17:09

A little photo album with photos of him as a baby onwards…should give the gf a laugh if nothing else!

SheWoreYellow · 28/02/2022 17:10

I don’t think 21 is that big a deal any more. Plus if he was at university you wouldn’t be seeing him. I think you’re right to not say anything. It’s his day now.

I can’t really think of anything else you can add to the box. Hmm. I also can’t see your OP. I presume you have party poppers, champagne, chocolates?

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