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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:

Kumbaya12 · 28/02/2022 18:03

Sorry for your loss OP but you’re blaming the wrong person. Your DS is the one who should have been sensitive. You sound like a lovely mum but 20+ Year olds aren’t exactly considerate or even care about their parents on their birthdays.

If she asked, and he said yes, why blame her? How was she to know you didn’t already have something planned on another date?

Sorry if it was sprung on as a surprise or something and I’ve missed it but a bit confused as to why you’re blaming her

Octomore · 28/02/2022 18:03

Maybe it's just me, but I have booked holidays without asking my parents' permission ever since I left home. I am sometimes even away on my, or someone else's birthday, New Year's, or some other festive occasions (although I would obviously aim not to double book with a wedding or something like that). We all cope without getting arsey about it.

The OP says that her DS had booked those 2 weeks off work as annual leave - to me, that indicates he was involved in planning the trip. People don't book weeks of annual leave for no reason IMO.

Greattimestroubledtimes · 28/02/2022 18:03

Do you know anyone in common? Because although it's impossible for you to saying anything, someone else might do. And in my case, I know exactly who that person would be, and they'd be very happy to point it out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations

BadHairDayExpert · 28/02/2022 18:05

You are a good Mum.
You are doing the right thing.
Rise above.
Ignore any ideas on here to gatecrash.
Ask your son after he has finished his shagathon to whatsapp call you on the day itself.
As for the box
So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers.
I think that's plenty to be going on with, bearing in mind that anything else has to be storable. It depends on where he is going and when his birthday is in relation to that. If they have a mini fridge I would maybe give him some snacks (Tescos cheese muffins and caramelised onion sausage rolls are lovely. Plus a packet of cashews. A can of pringles. A packet of wine gums or fruit pastilles).
Maybe some fluffy socks, a magazine. Eye mask/guy facial/robe if he is into self-care/or as jokey.
You are a good Mum. Well done

Octomore · 28/02/2022 18:06

@DetailMouse

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved

Do people really do that for adult children? It's a long time since my parents have been involved in my birthday plans, although they'll make an effort to see me at some point before our after.

No, they really don't. Some of what PP's are saying is a million miles from normal behaviour so please don't think that you're the weird one here!

Once young people hit their twenties, birthdays are not really about family any more. They will spend birthdays with friends and girl/boyfriends, and that's fine.

When people do the sort of thing described above, their adult children tend to take steps to distance themselves from such controlling and manipulative parents.

Kumbaya12 · 28/02/2022 18:07

@Octomore

The OP says that her DS had booked those 2 weeks off work as annual leave - to me, that indicates he was involved in planning the trip. People don't book weeks of annual leave for no reason IMO.

Exactly! And paying for son + GF to go away is a very nice thing to do IMO.

In fact son himself may have suggested the date meaning everyone here’s directing vitriol towards an innocent woman while man gets away Scot free 😂😂😂

thedefinitionofmadness · 28/02/2022 18:07

@DetailMouse

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved

Do people really do that for adult children? It's a long time since my parents have been involved in my birthday plans, although they'll make an effort to see me at some point before our after.

OMG, no, OP you are completely right, he's a grown up MAN and you don't need to "have a word" and insist that they make their birthdays all about you!

I think in all honesty the MIL may have done you a favour and massively taken the pressure out of the situation that was inevitably going to feel like it had a huge hole in it. Your approach is a lovely one. The box sounds fabulous and perfect.

Original poster

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 18:07

@Kumbaya12

If she asked, and he said yes, why blame her? How was she to know you didn’t already have something planned on another date?

Sorry if it was sprung on as a surprise or something and I’ve missed it but a bit confused as to why you’re blaming her

Yes it was a surprise. He's wasn't told until after it was booked. Or at least that's his version of events, but I'm not daft enough not to have considered he found it easier to tell me this way. I'm not blaming anyone now just trying to make the best of it.

OP posts:

Octomore · 28/02/2022 18:08

I like the idea of sending a nice cake to their accommodation, or paying for him to have a really fancy meal out on the day itself.

Kumbaya12 · 28/02/2022 18:10

Fair enough.
You’re a good mum OP. Do hold on to that especially since he’ll be self absorbed at this age. It’ll take a while for him to appreciate you but you sound lovely so keep it up

NeverChange · 28/02/2022 18:11

Your a really good mum putting you son first.

I would have probably had a go at that insensitive cow, who could have so easy picked the wkend before or after or even checked if you had any plans, especially after losing your DH.

I admire you for talking the high road. Some people, GFs mother, really do make things all about themselves without any consideration for others. I also thing you are right in not joining hom on the day.

Could you consider ordering a bottle of champagne to the room?

Ohyesiam · 28/02/2022 18:13

“Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.”

Hats off to you for that . You are not only a good mum, but a very grounded and mature person.

ViceLikeBlip · 28/02/2022 18:17

That was a really shitty thing for her to have done.

ShirleyPhallus · 28/02/2022 18:17

@Mustreadabook

I seem to be in the minority here, but I’m sure doing something special the week before or after will be just as good a celebration. Especially since you said that it is just with his gf and boy here parents, it is a grown up romantic holiday. At 21 I was at uni and certainly I didn’t go home in the middle of term for my birthday, probably I did see my parents at a convenient weekend but not on the day. He is grown up.

Agreed! I can’t believe some of these comments

NoSleepNoSleep · 28/02/2022 18:20

I went away for the weekend with my bf and uni friends for my 21st, I didn't realise this was a "thing" spending the day with your parents, my parents assumed rightly that I'd be spending my actual bday with friends not on a family meal. I can't imagine many 21 year olds wanting to have a family meal on their actual birthday, especially if they are in a relationship. I'd leave the son and gf to it, I'd not be happy if we'd gone away for the week and my bf's mother showed up to join us, whoever suggested that cringe! Just do something the week before or after if you want to do something.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 18:21

Maybe don't follow @Brefugee's advice.

Candycan · 28/02/2022 18:21

I'm also surprised at some of the comments.

I am sorry for your loss OP. however, I dont think it is odd or insensitive at all that your son is going away with his girlfriend for his 21st.

saleorbouy · 28/02/2022 18:22

Book a nice restaurant and give him a voucher or a nice activity or experience in the locality.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 18:23

TBH there is a part of me relieved not to have to arrange a family event without DH and it wouldn't surprise me if DS is feeling the same way. It would have been very tame with just me and (adolescent and don't we know it!) Ds2 plus GPs. GF's family all are altogether far more lively, but that's OK we're all different.

Bless you OP. I hope you’re doing ok. I can understand you feeling partly relieved in the circumstances.

still think she’s an interfering cow though 😬

My friend had a mum that did stuff like this. Her parents actually turned up on a holiday for her and her husbands anniversary. Her mum just had to be involved and would want to know everything. My friend kept her at a distance over the years as what started as a loving mum became a third person in her relationship.

Lollypop701 · 28/02/2022 18:24

When is the girlfriend 21…. Just wondering if you want to give her a lovely gift. I’m sure her mum will be very happy you copied her idea, biggest form of flattery and all that!

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 28/02/2022 18:25

My dad keeps saying "you need to look at her mum, they all turn into their mums"

Isn't this the "if you want to know what your wife will be like in 30/40 yrs, look at her mum"?

Thank God my DH didn't 😹

Treat yourself and your DS2 to a takeaway that night and facetime DS1 (briefly) to sing "Happy Birthday" at him.

HailAdrian · 28/02/2022 18:26

I don't think I'd be too upset about this tbh. I'd be glad he was getting the opportunity.

HailAdrian · 28/02/2022 18:27

Gosh there some potential NIGHTMARE PILs on here.

Musicalmaestro · 28/02/2022 18:28

I didn't see DS on his 21st as he had made other plans OP.
I did mark it myself though, I took the day off work and made sure I did something nice for me.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 18:30

No, they really don't. Some of what PP's are saying is a million miles from normal behaviour so please don't think that you're the weird one here! Once young people hit their twenties, birthdays are not really about family any more. They will spend birthdays with friends and girl/boyfriends, and that's fine.

Voice of reason. Sabotage is a strong word, did the gf's mother really sabotage your Ds's birthday? It sounds more like she is helping him have the birthday he wants. He might also be telling ehe things about how he feels and maybe his 'MIL' is being really supportive to him. She might have even asked him to check with you first of its ok and he didn't.

Best thing to do is take a big step back let him live his life and move onto the next phase of being a grown up. It sounds like you raised a lovely boy who is very much in love with his gf and treating her well. You should be incredibly proud of that!

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