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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 28/02/2022 17:51

I think what you've got is enough OP. If he's anything like my son he won't be arsed about the sparklers and umbrellas, badge etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 17:51

@PrimroseTheSmooth

It's not clear to me whether the other mum has booked a trip for DS and his GF, or whether she's booked a trip that includes her as well. If the former then maybe she should have checked first but it's a nice idea and I'm sure your son will have a lovely time. Maybe make a plan to do something nice before or after. I wouldn't send the box tbh but you know your son and how he is likely to take it.
Op has stated its just DS and GF.

In her face, that's harsh? If she'd booked a cosy little family holiday for DSs 21st and excluded his recently widowed Mom, where would YOU smoosh it @mummykel16?

Nutsohazelnuts · 28/02/2022 17:51

@Octomore

Suddenly all the threads that people start about passive aggressive, snippy, petty, vindictive relatives make sense.

This thread highlights how many people are like this, and how (weirdly) proud they are of their behaviour. To the extent that they even boast about it.

Exactly this. Jesus.

My DH and his family all have PA hold-a-grudge tendencies and it doesn’t make anything better. Why be like that?

Interested in this thread?

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Events & celebrations
Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:51

I agree that you are handling this well OP. So glad you have ignored some of the batshittery on this thread!

This is a hard time for you, but take him and his gf out for a meal or something like that either before or after the trip. Have a nice celebration and be happy that he is enjoying life, because that's what you want for him.

Londoncallingme · 28/02/2022 17:52

[quote gogohm]@DetailMouse

I know it's seems very pushy of her mum but she probably thought she was doing a good thing and it would be easier for him to not be at home because of loosing his dad. I missed my DD's 21st due to the other wag around, I was on holiday, I still feel a bit guilty but ultimately they are adults [/quote]
Wow
Did you forget when it was? !!!

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2022 17:52

Can you arrange a little party or meal out when he gets back for your close family and his gf. A 21st is more symbolic for parents I think - I can remember being a bit wtf when I was 21 as it’s not a big deal there were about 3 things you could do you couldn’t at 20 but it is symbolic to some parents.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:52

that’s fine hi might not want to and his mum may understand however he’s clearly just doing what he wants with not one thought of her - selfish! It's his birthday he should do what makes him happy. If it were his mom's birthday it would be nice if you could celebrate with mom.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/02/2022 17:54

You can still celebrate his birthday, but on a day before or when he gets back. It's quite common for a 21st birthday party to not be on the actual day and can be some weeks apart for reasons like venue availability, or a better time for guests. Could you do a nice meal out? or a party at home? You could wait until the weather is nicer and have a bbq/garden party?

I do understand you won't be with him on the actual day, perhaps arrange for something nice to do with a friend on that day.

And sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:54

I actually missed DS2's 5th birthday because I was in the Med on a jolly work related achievers award trip. We moved his birthday to the following week and he was none the wiser Grin

OP posts:
DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 17:54

In her face, that's harsh? If she'd booked a cosy little family holiday for DSs 21st and excluded his recently widowed Mom, where would YOU smoosh it @mummykel16?

Stop acting like anyone on here would do anything of the sort lmao.

oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 17:55

@DetailMouse
That would REALLY have pissed me off, Big time.
What a thoughtless thing for her to have done.

Why, on the EXACT date?
I’d be very upset.
It's like she is deliberately trying to undermine you.

The “MDIMBF” (My daughter is my best friend) can be a bit bizarre- What daughter wants to be so embroiled with their mother -
Let some fresh air into that relationship!

I’m sorry , but I think she did this to undermine you.

Imagine if you did the same for her BFF daughter?!
Sheesh.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2022 17:55

Or could you pay for his birthday meal, arrange a surprise small cake to be delivered to holiday house etc.

Wheresthebeach · 28/02/2022 17:55

I agree you've done the right thing to rise above it.

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved. Suggest perhaps that before things are booked that dates are agreed. MIL is clearly going to be...ahem...a challenge.

oakleaffy · 28/02/2022 17:56

@DetailMouse

I actually missed DS2's 5th birthday because I was in the Med on a jolly work related achievers award trip. We moved his birthday to the following week and he was none the wiser Grin
5 is nothing like 21.
Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:56

It feels significant to me because he is actually showing signs of being an adult now,
which most definitely didn't happen at 18 Grin

OP posts:
Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:57

@Dixiechickonhols

Or could you pay for his birthday meal, arrange a surprise small cake to be delivered to holiday house etc.
That would be lovely.
Luckymeiseeghosts · 28/02/2022 17:57

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved

Isn't this being just as controlling as others are implying the gf's DM is?

Piglet89 · 28/02/2022 17:58

@Octomore

Except the DS, the recipient of the present is "thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF". He has been given something he's really happy with?

So organise it for a time that isn’t the actual date of his 21st maybe? He can still have that gift.

MaChienEstUnDick · 28/02/2022 17:58

Call the gf. Tell her you'd like to organise a small cake and give her a bottle of fizz to open on the night. Keep it low key but bring her into the surprise.

Then take him out on his own or with your family for dinner when they come back. I actually love the idea of a photo book and think it will be treasured, but give that to him privately with his main present from you.

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:58

@Wheresthebeach

I agree you've done the right thing to rise above it.

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved. Suggest perhaps that before things are booked that dates are agreed. MIL is clearly going to be...ahem...a challenge.

You'd 'have a word' with your 21 year old adult offspring and tell them they weren't allowed to go away for special occasions in future?

Really?

ENoeuf · 28/02/2022 18:00

@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine I can see how some people might expect your family to be closer after a loss, it wasn’t my experience when my parent died (I was 16) and it didn’t occur to me my dm might want to see me on birthdays. But for a different family, absolutely.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 18:00

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved

Do people really do that for adult children? It's a long time since my parents have been involved in my birthday plans, although they'll make an effort to see me at some point before our after.

OP posts:
Tiddlesthecat · 28/02/2022 18:01

That is completely and totally out of order! Sorry, but it is! I would be furious too! You gave birth to him, you have had an incredibly hard time losing your DH and now she waltzes in and hijacks any plans that you may have had with him. It is insensitive in the least! She obviously was mostly doing it for the benefit of her daughter and making her happy.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 18:02

Or could you pay for his birthday meal, arrange a surprise small cake to be delivered to holiday house etc. Birthday dinner money is a lovely idea, sending a cake is a bit much. He is looking for love and fun from his gf not his mom which is exactly what he should be doing, it's healthy! Play the long game OP, he'll be closer again once he has establishes his grown up self. If you push yourself win too much, he' push you out more.

CakeAmbushAlert · 28/02/2022 18:03

@oakleaffy It's like she is deliberately trying to undermine you

Why is it like that? An adult 21 year old will be celebrating his bday with the person he's most close to in the world (& no that's not his Mum anymore.)

Do you spend your bdays with your partner or parents?

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