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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 28/02/2022 18:33

Just a thought - do you think that DS will be struggling around his birthday, as he will miss his Dad and know that you're going to be struggling too? So maybe thought this trip would make the actual day a little easier for both of you?

It was DS's birthday last week - he is working abroad. I sent him some balloons, a birthday cake and a couple of bottles of champagne (from suppliers local to where he lives). He'll get his present when I see him. He appreciated the thought.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2022 18:33

@DetailMouse

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved

Do people really do that for adult children? It's a long time since my parents have been involved in my birthday plans, although they'll make an effort to see me at some point before our after.

No

I think you've handled this really well.

I do think the GF mother (and the GF) have been terribly thoughtless though. And as he still lives with you it might have been nice to have had a heads up that that was what they were thinking of

Will the GF be away from her mum on her 21st??

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 28/02/2022 18:33

pop him a letter in telling him how proud you are of him,how much he means to you, I did this for my son on his 21st and remembered soe lvely memories of him growing up. He was really happy to have that,he thought it was really special,

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Events & celebrations
NoSleepNoSleep · 28/02/2022 18:38

When my husband turned 18 he'd planned to go out with his friends drinking around town, he told his parent's that he was going out and won't be doing anything with them. His parents didn't listen and invited his extended family for a sit down family meal. He said I told you I was going out and I am. He ended up going out leaving the reles at his house having a meal for his birthday without him 😆, his parents expected him to ditch his night out!! I have to say this weird entitled behaviour treating him like a child has continued well into adulthood and is partly why we don't speak to them.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/02/2022 18:38

And just talk to your son. Tell him you're upset and want to see him so can you drive down for a birthday lunch

Please don't do that. I also lost my DF at an early age. I found landmarks like big birthdays almost unbearably painful, without him. The only way to cope was to avoid doing what I would have done normally, if he had been there. Maybe your DS wants the same? It's not that he doesn't want to be with you - it's that he can't bear to be at home, marking what should be a special day - without his dad.

Totally get why you're hurt, OP - and you sound like a wonderful mum - but please just let him go away.

aloris · 28/02/2022 18:38

I didn't spend my 21st with my parents as I was far away at Uni. But what the GF's mother did, does not sit well with me. She unilaterally cut you out of his birthday celebration without any consideration for how this might fit into his relationship with you. She didn't ask you first, what do you think he would like, what would be a sensitive way to deal with this, anything like that. How did she know this would even be what he wanted?

You are taking the high road, which is lovely, but (if he and this young woman remain together) this could very easily turn into you being gently excised from most of the important events in his life because her mother doesn't see you as important (or, worse, sees you as merely a sad reminder of his old life with his dad). I think that is unnecessary. You can give him some space for his adult life, but I think it's ok, even important, to make sure he knows that you would like him to stand up for your place in it. If he doesn't make an effort to include you in his life and traditions, then no one will. So, I would give it a little time, but talk to him and gently let him know you felt his gf's mother overstepped.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 28/02/2022 18:40

Aww that was really thoughtless of them under the circumstances, saying that it might be nice for him to have that bit of space just him and his gf.

My dad died just before I turned 17 and I found my 18th hard with all the family there other than my dad

Erm , things he likes to eat . Little things from TV shows he likes if he's into that sort of stuff. My mum bought me and my sister our favourite childhood books for our 21st . I did the same for ds1 and he loved it.

I think you are handling it really well even though it must be hard for you. Maybe arrange a meal or takeaway when he's back

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 28/02/2022 18:41

Maybe a fun card game for the 2 of them to play while they're away. I got ds1 and his gf a drinking one for Christmas that we all ended up playing Christmas night. They like that sort of thing though

Imissmoominmama · 28/02/2022 18:42

Ah, sorry- I thought it was a family holiday too.

Yeah, stick a bottle of champagne in there and leave ‘em to it! Grin

affairsofdragons · 28/02/2022 18:43

While I sympathize greatly with your tough year, I think you're being a bit unfair about being unhappy about his trip away on his birthday.

I imagine all three of mine will celebrate their 21st birthdays with friends when they have them as I expect they'll all be at University when they have them. I can't imagine any of them will be driving home to celebrate with me on the day.

Kumbaya12 · 28/02/2022 18:46

@aloris

I didn't spend my 21st with my parents as I was far away at Uni. But what the GF's mother did, does not sit well with me. She unilaterally cut you out of his birthday celebration without any consideration for how this might fit into his relationship with you. She didn't ask you first, what do you think he would like, what would be a sensitive way to deal with this, anything like that. How did she know this would even be what he wanted?

You are taking the high road, which is lovely, but (if he and this young woman remain together) this could very easily turn into you being gently excised from most of the important events in his life because her mother doesn't see you as important (or, worse, sees you as merely a sad reminder of his old life with his dad). I think that is unnecessary. You can give him some space for his adult life, but I think it's ok, even important, to make sure he knows that you would like him to stand up for your place in it. If he doesn't make an effort to include you in his life and traditions, then no one will. So, I would give it a little time, but talk to him and gently let him know you felt his gf's mother overstepped.

Wow the level of extrapolation 😂 you seriously expect the GF’s mum to ask the mother of an 18-year-old what SHE wants, instead of the birthday boy? Presumably her daughter knows him better than his mother, as they do at that age.

A chat with DS is fair enough but again 100% of the onus should be on him to have considered HIS mother. Not her.

Honeyroar · 28/02/2022 18:56

It was pretty thoughtless of the girlfriend and her mother, but ultimately he’s looking forward to it and you were nervous about arranging something without your DH, so perhaps it’s a good thing. Focus on that, and make up a nice birthday hamper with a letter from you inside. And arrange a time to call him on the day? Then arrange something easy and informal when he gets home?

Ladybyrd · 28/02/2022 18:57

It is tactless on the part of MIL, but only you can decide whether it's more than that. It seems to me that she just wanted to do something nice for them, but only you know the backstory.

I would save his gift until he gets back and invite the two of them out for a meal. I seriously doubt it's even registered with him that this might have hurt your feelings either.

roadrunnerrocks · 28/02/2022 19:01

No idea but you sound like a fabulous mum (and potentially MIL at some point) your box sounds fabulous as it is xx

Martianworld · 28/02/2022 19:10

My mum's father died a couple of months before my 21st. My mum was so sad she ruled that there was no way any of us would want a party. So the sadness was a bit of a dampner. Obviously it's different from your son losing his father but having a quiet meal would have inevitably led to chat about his dad which he might not have wanted to dwell on.

Personally, at 21 I'd have been very happy with a week away with my bf. At that age who puts family before their own self-interest?

cocktailclub · 28/02/2022 19:12

You sound wonderful. I would feel incredibly upset and I don't think I would handle it as well as you, but for what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing although I imagine it's very hard for you.
As well as doing your son a box for his trip, make sure you organise something nice for yourself on his birthday. To celebrate being a fantastic mum of a 21 year old!

affairsofdragons · 28/02/2022 19:17

I honestly don't get all the posters saying they'd be upset about this.

When I was a young adult, I don't know anyone who went home to spend their 21st with their parents!

FizzyTango · 28/02/2022 19:18

@DetailMouse I think you have the measure of it right. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. But I wouldn't listen to any advice about gate crashing the holiday or letting your DS know how upset you are.

I adore my mum, but I would just happily do something with her when I'm back, I'd be so annoyed if she made me feel guilty or gatecrashed the holiday.

The Birthday box sounds really thoughtful, and he will know how much you care when he has it. Trust me it's the best approach. I can't think of anything else you could add. Maybe a nice card (I'm sure you already have thought of that though!)
Flowers for you

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 19:23

I'm sure I'll be a wonderful MIL, but I'll still be the one who gets to see least of them, even if they do appreciate not getting pressure from me Grin

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 19:25

@Wheresthebeach

I agree you've done the right thing to rise above it.

In 3 or 4 months time I'd have a word though. And say going forward you'd like him not to be away for special occasions as you'd like to be involved. Suggest perhaps that before things are booked that dates are agreed. MIL is clearly going to be...ahem...a challenge.

So he has to commit to spending every birthday and special occasion with his Mom? Imagine the GF.

I've suggested to do we go away for his 30th but we can't as he promised his Mom he'd never ever spend it without her. We also have to make sure we spend every other special occasion with her and can never do anything without approving it with her first. Aibu or is she over bearing??

She'd be told to send I'm back to his mammy and ltb

VivX · 28/02/2022 19:28

Sorry for your loss. Can understand your disappoint re the 21st.

I admire your dignity though. I hope your ds and his gf appreciate you x

blitzen · 28/02/2022 19:30

Could you write him a lovely letter or put a nice note inside his card? Also, a little photo album with your favourite photos of him, and especially some of him with your DH. Or maybe I am too sentimental. I am sorry you won't be with your DS on the day. Thoughtless of the GF and her mum.

Qwill · 28/02/2022 19:30

Honestly at 21 I would have preferred a break away with my partner or mates. I was at uni and had a party - I didn’t even think to invite my parents (and I am very close with them!). I think a food box sounds great, you could even order one of those restaurant meal kits and get it sent there?

NumberTheory · 28/02/2022 19:35

You sound like a fantastic mum, OP, DS1 is very lucky to have you.

Your box sounds great as it is. But ideas if you are just enjoying building it out:

  • Get matching or complimentary t-shirts printed up for the two of them (this may take it over into the OTT region!).
  • If they're in self catering then a breakfast bundle - cafetiere, good coffee, croissants and little mini jams. He can keep the cafetiere to remind him of the vacation.
  • A photo frame that holds several photos. Fill a few photo spaces with photos of him growing up, ideally with family, friends and his girlfriend, make a striking "21!" image for one of them and leave one blank with a "[vacation location] 2022" place holder.
  • If they are likely to be going for long country walks then a flask (either a thermos, with two cups or a hip flask. Nice if you can include some hot chocolate sachets or some whiskey).
  • Party banners/decoration like this: www.amazon.co.uk/ADXCO-Birthday-Decorations-Triangle-Decoration/dp/B08LYZS827?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 or make your own personalised pennant banner.
  • Guide book for where they're going or a voucher for a phone app guided tour.
toomuchlaundry · 28/02/2022 19:37

I was at uni for my 21st. Celebrated with my friends. Don’t think 21 has the same significance as it used to do. Doesn’t really change your life in anyway