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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 28/02/2022 17:37

You're a better person than me op, I'd have been rolling around on the floor with the GF"s DM 😁 completely undignified 🙄
I like your style, keep your dignity, don't be like Campervangirl 😂
How about a bottle of prosecco or if you can afford it some champagne, a pkt of strawberries to pop in the fiz and two champagne flutes.
Hope you have a good time celebrating when ds gets home and I'm sorry for your loss ❤️

BlingLoving · 28/02/2022 17:38

Mm, while I think the mum was insensitive, lots of 21 year olds don't celebrate the actual day with their parents - I was at uni preparing for big exams. Came home a few weekends later for a 21st at home and my parents gave me money for a party at uni. So I think let that one go.

I'd definitely agree with money in the box - perhaps you give them cash for a nice meal out on the night?

In your box, I would ABSOLUTELY include at least a few hilarious baby/child pictures! For your own entertainment if nothing else! One naked picture, at least. A few with food around his mouth etc! Grin

AprilShowers82 · 28/02/2022 17:38

OP, I’m really sorry for your loss Flowers his GFs mum has been really thoughtless (or spiteful, depending how cynical you are). I would be upset in your shoes. Just wanted to say you’re being so gracious and understanding in how you’re dealing with this. You seem lovely. I’m sure your son will really appreciate the effort you’ve gone to for his birthday tbh day. X

Interested in this thread?

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Events & celebrations
mummykel16 · 28/02/2022 17:39

@SleepingStandingUp

GF's parents aren't going Ah not sure this was clear initially and does make a difference to whether you should smoosh birthday cake in her face. Agree def can't go up to see him.

How about a bottle of something fizzy if DS will drink it?

In her face, that's harsh?
PrimroseTheSmooth · 28/02/2022 17:40

It's not clear to me whether the other mum has booked a trip for DS and his GF, or whether she's booked a trip that includes her as well. If the former then maybe she should have checked first but it's a nice idea and I'm sure your son will have a lovely time. Maybe make a plan to do something nice before or after. I wouldn't send the box tbh but you know your son and how he is likely to take it.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 17:40

@Noisyprat

Whilst this is absolutely a shitty thing for the GF and GF’s Mum to do frankly I would be very disappointed and feel very let down. I would expect my son to tell them that whilst it’s a lovely gift it needs to become on a date before or after the birthday day because he wants to be with you on that day given you’re his Mum and you lost his Dad not so long ago.
Or maybe on his 21st he DOESN'T want to face the yawning chasm his Dad left in their lives.

I do feel for OP but he shouldn't me expected to sit at home and miss his Dad a little more than normal whilst discussing all the things they would have done if he'd been alive.

If it was OPs birthday, his Dad's birthday, wedding anniversary or anniversary of his death, yes he should be with his Mom.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:41

But her mother is controlling them already by arranging all this for what should be a family celebration.
Maybe the ds doesn't want a family celebration as he is grieving his dad and it will be especially painful on his 21st birthday. Out of selfless love to the ds who seems happy and in love with his gf, respect his wishes do not offer to join them or only in the lightest of possible way ("I could join you all for lunch if you would like me to but you may prefer of us to celebrate when you are back, which is totally fine")

I do feel for you OP, what a rotten situation to be in. Do you have close family and friends you could be with on his birthday? FWIW If the idea was the GF or her mums' then I thinks it is really thoughtless of them and mean towards the OP. But it might be the ds driving this idea.

Thanks to the OP

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:41

Suddenly all the threads that people start about passive aggressive, snippy, petty, vindictive relatives make sense.

This thread highlights how many people are like this, and how (weirdly) proud they are of their behaviour. To the extent that they even boast about it.

Piglet89 · 28/02/2022 17:41

And the award for the most dignified, rational and selfless mum of the year goes hands down to @DetailMouse

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:42

@PrimroseTheSmooth

It's not clear to me whether the other mum has booked a trip for DS and his GF, or whether she's booked a trip that includes her as well. If the former then maybe she should have checked first but it's a nice idea and I'm sure your son will have a lovely time. Maybe make a plan to do something nice before or after. I wouldn't send the box tbh but you know your son and how he is likely to take it.
The OPs updates make clear that it's couples trip, and her DS is really happy to be going.

In other words, it's a lovely present.

tara66 · 28/02/2022 17:42

Look on the bright side - he could have taken up with a GF from a completely destitute family. There is always going to be someone else cleverer, prettier, richer, more organised and more aggressive than oneself.

Piglet89 · 28/02/2022 17:43

Would have been much, much nicer to speak with you first OP and plan a meal that included OP’s son, gf’s parents and OP too.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:44

GF's parents aren't going In that case of course you shouldn't offer to go. Let your ds have a birthday where he can be the gown up rather than the child with the girl he loves. They may not be together forever but he needs her right now.

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:44

tbh i would be more than upset and would ask the GF to ask her mum to imagine what it will be like for you with no husband and your PFB away on a significant birthday and would she like that to happen to her?

This is extremely horrible and manipulative. Awful behaviour, and how would it make the son feel?

LovedayCL · 28/02/2022 17:45

I think you’re handling this perfectly. For what it’s worth it’s incredibly insensitive of her, and while that’s likely all it is, I’m guessing she’d be very unimpressed in return (uncharitable thought for another day there Grin) even without the huge addition of recent bereavement. Flowers

Your gifts sound great but I agree money for his trip would be a great addition.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:45

TBH there is a part of me relieved not to have to arrange a family event without DH and it wouldn't surprise me if DS is feeling the same way. It would have been very tame with just me and (adolescent and don't we know it!) Ds2 plus GPs. GF's family all are altogether far more lively, but that's OK we're all different.

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 28/02/2022 17:45

@Octomore

Suddenly all the threads that people start about passive aggressive, snippy, petty, vindictive relatives make sense.

This thread highlights how many people are like this, and how (weirdly) proud they are of their behaviour. To the extent that they even boast about it.

The OP made it sounds as thought the mum had booked a holiday for all of them for his 21st and she was left out of it.

In that situation, it is bot petty or passive aggressive to suggest driving up to join them for a lunch or dinner on his birthday.

The OP then clarified that it was just a weekend for the couple, not with the gf's mum. Once she said that, I said that then of course she couldnt join them for dinner.

PrimroseTheSmooth · 28/02/2022 17:45

@Octomore agreed.

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:46

@Piglet89

Would have been much, much nicer to speak with you first OP and plan a meal that included OP’s son, gf’s parents and OP too.
Except the DS, the recipient of the present is "thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF". He has been given something he's really happy with?

At what point are children allowed to have lives of their own that don't revolve around their parents?

I appreciate this will be a really hard time for the OP, but that doesn't mean she has the right to stop her DS doing the things he wants to do. He is young, and wants to live his life.

Noisyprat · 28/02/2022 17:47

It’s not clear from the soap what the son had said about this although it would appear has thought only if himself!

@SleepingStandingUp - that’s fine hi might not want to and his mum may understand however he’s clearly just doing what he wants with not one thought of her - selfish!

Calennig · 28/02/2022 17:48

@Octomore

Suddenly all the threads that people start about passive aggressive, snippy, petty, vindictive relatives make sense.

This thread highlights how many people are like this, and how (weirdly) proud they are of their behaviour. To the extent that they even boast about it.

I was thinking this but in relation to my life - my IL improved as their jobs shifted I thought at time they had some shit-stirrer in their lives and wonder if they were being encouraged to be very PA. All it di was get our backs up. Now those people generally have poor relationships themselves.
DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 17:48

he’s clearly just doing what he wants

I mean, it is his 21st birthday, and after such events in his life, why shouldn't he go along with the plan that will make him happy.

applepearorangebear · 28/02/2022 17:49

I think you're handling this with great dignity OP - hope your DS has a lovely time, and that you're able to have a really special celebration with him before / after his trip.

I would get a helium balloon with a weight on the bottom and put it (together with his other presents) in a big box, ready to float upwards when he opens it up. I would also get a '2001 Limited Edition Vintage' t-shirt (loads of websites do them - TeePublic has some nice ones). And maybe also a photo album for you to open together when he's back, with photos from babyhood upwards - though I appreciate that this could be very emotional for you both.

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:50

@DearlyBeloathed

he’s clearly just doing what he wants

I mean, it is his 21st birthday, and after such events in his life, why shouldn't he go along with the plan that will make him happy.

Exactly!

It's his birthday, and he wants to go away with his GF to celebrate. What on earth is wrong with that? It's not selfish, it's just a young person going out and living their life.

CakeAmbushAlert · 28/02/2022 17:50

To add to your list - a fun card game or something.
You could do 21 little presents (could be useful things - socks, underwear,shower gel etc?)
Something personalised with a picture on of your family (if you don't think that would upset him too much)
Book he would like to read on his hols?
Massive box of condoms (Joking!)

I know it must be hard not bring with him on his bday but enjoy the fact he will be having a special, happy memorable day.

Also it's a bit harsh to say his GFs mum has 'saboutaged' his day. It sounds like you don't really like her, your perogative of course, but she hasn't 'sabotaged' his bday - I imagine he's quite happy about it.

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