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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 28/02/2022 19:50

It's a lot to expect from a 20 ( soon to be 21) year old, to defer his own enjoyment and put his DM first.
Maybe he wanted the day to be purely about him and his GF, or maybe he didn't even realise that he "should " be with his DM.
It's not that odd that DGFs DM booked the holiday for a week that he is off work.
I think you're doing the right thing OP not to mention it.

JimmyDurham · 28/02/2022 19:54

@Crunched

I would find it impossible to not let my DS see how upset I was, albeit not the best way to behave I'm sure. I agree that, if you are financially able, driving up on the day and meeting for a meal would not only highlight to your DS what a significant day his 21st is to you (and would have been for his Dad, who you also represent) and maybe make the self-centred GF and her thoughtless Mother consider your feelings in future.
Turning up on his b'day while he's away with his gf would be a DREADFUL thing to do!! FFS don't even think of it. It would most certainly NOT make your DS see "what a significant day his 21st is to you (and would have been for his Dad, who you also represent)". It would probably seriously piss him off and who can blame him.

Your b'day box sounds a brilliant idea and to complete it I'd add a plain brown envelope full of cash (make it fivers to look thicker) with "TREAT YOURSELF" written on the front.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 19:58

I was at uni for my 21st. Celebrated with my friends. Don’t think 21 has the same significance as it used to do. Doesn’t really change your life in anyway

I’m guessing that your friends mum didn’t organise your celebrations though.

The issue here is that someone else's mother got involved. It’s weird AF and if the OP planned her sons girlfriends birthday celebrations, I bet her mum wouldn’t be too happy. It’s overstepping.

I was with my current partner at age 21. We went to America on holiday for my 21st birthday, our idea, booked by us. If my boyfriends mum had booked it, we’d have been like 🤪. She wouldn’t have known of any family plans, plans I
I had with friends etc.
My boyfriends mum organised a huge party for his 21st, it would have been weird AF if my mum organised it. At 21 you either organise something yourself or your own family does it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
FireMeetGasoline · 28/02/2022 20:12

Your post just made me cry. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your DS, and I'm sure that he is just over the moon that you are his mum.

It's a really kind gift, and I'm sure it came from a nice place, but I really don't think you need to feel undermined. There is nothing that can jeopardise a son's love for his mother. You aced it by getting him to 21.

mommybear1 · 28/02/2022 20:12

OP apologies I have not read the whole thread but I lost a parent pre 21 so for my DB's 18th (he's 7 years younger than me Grin) I did a book of photo memories from when he was born up to 18 he's 37 now and still loves it. May feel sad to do it/put in photos of his DF but I think it's a lovely thoughtful gift to treasure. My DB still absolutely loves his and says it is the best present he's ever had. It's hard to do I'm not going to lie but worth it.

impossible · 28/02/2022 20:18

This is a shame for you but probably great for your DS as he can do something completely different on his bday so not reminded too much he can't see his dad.
I think you've handled it really well, taking any pressure off DS. If it's any consolation I expect my DS to spend his 21st with friends and hope to see him sometime thereabouts. I think this is quite normal.

We have a similar family loss in my extended family and you really can't replace (or distract from) the missing parent, in fact family gatherings on a big day highlight the loss.

It's hard but I really would try to reduce the emphasis on significant dates. Celebrate your DS's bday when he's back and try not to let it matter that it's not actual bday.

You sound to me kind and wonderful and your relationship with your DS will always be special. No need to take on GF or her mother. Your DS will always be yours.

saraclara · 28/02/2022 20:19

Sorry if it was sprung on as a surprise or something and I’ve missed it but a bit confused as to why you’re blaming her

The very least that GF's DM could have done is check with OP first. For all she knew, OP had her own surprise planned for her own son's birthday. Can you imagine how difficult that would have been? OP could have planned a family weekend away, or a big family meal, or boooked some kind of experience for her DS. Only to find that this woman had booked this holiday, actually ON the day?

Carriemac · 28/02/2022 20:28

You sound like a lovely mums and in my opinion the GFs mum is thoughtless and mean.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 28/02/2022 20:38

You sound lovely OP. You're definitely handling it the right way but I appreciate that it must be very hard for you. Flowers

CakeAmbushAlert · 28/02/2022 21:04

@saraclara The very least that GF's DM could have done is check with OP first

When I was 21 my parents barely knew my boyfriend let alone his family! I think some people forget that at 21 we are talking about adults not children. Neither set of parents should be organising 21st birthday plans.

PinkPanther50 · 28/02/2022 21:33

For my DD 21st I did a hamper with 21 gifts in it. Things like a face mask, a scratch card, a bamboo toothbrush, packet of liquorice all sorts, tic-tacs. Mainly just little things and then her main present.

BlondeWidow · 28/02/2022 22:12

I'd be furious and would be requesting they change the date

BlondeWidow · 28/02/2022 22:13

@SoManyTshirts

Sympathy … my DDs BF insisted on taking her to lunch for her 18th in very similar circumstances. I’d been plotting the expensive lunch I’d been going to treat her to for ages and we ended up in the pub.

It smarts much more than it should. I’d make him a happy birthday video from his loved ones at home, with a heavy hint to FaceTime.

Why didn't you say something??? I'd have made him aware of your plans
Luckymeiseeghosts · 28/02/2022 22:14

@BlondeWidow

I'd be furious and would be requesting they change the date
You'd be requesting an adult changes their birthday plans?
Octomore · 28/02/2022 22:15

@BlondeWidow

I'd be furious and would be requesting they change the date
Yeah, god forbid the lad should do something he is "thrilled" by on his birthday. After all, children are just their parents' property, aren't they? It's not as if he's a human being with a life of his own.
BlondeWidow · 28/02/2022 22:17

I have to say though, I do find the gift box a bit odd!? Isn't that a bit childish for 21?

Octomore · 28/02/2022 22:21

So in your world, a box of gifts is childish.

But you think it's okay to dictate how an adult spends their birthday. You don't think that would be treating them like a child?

BlondeWidow · 28/02/2022 22:24

After just losing his dad? Yes. When I lost my Dad I was emotionally vulnerable. He's being controlled by this woman! Have some consideration for OP too.
They did this at Xmas too didn't they @DetailMouse ?

ENoeuf · 28/02/2022 22:29

What I’ve really taken away from this thread is how different all our families are. I don’t know / never met the parents of my kids boy/girlfriends, I’ve never cooked for them or done much more than a chat if we are in the same room. I don’t care where my older teens are for birthdays as long as they are safe / happy but some of you sound much closer in a practical hands on way. So it’s hard to answer this sort of question.

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/02/2022 22:29

There’s something nice about a box of treats that you love, favorite sweets, hot chocolate, glass of something special!

I know my kids tastes and did similar for their birthdays this year. They were delighted.

DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 22:34

@BlondeWidow

After just losing his dad? Yes. When I lost my Dad I was emotionally vulnerable. He's being controlled by this woman! Have some consideration for OP too. They did this at Xmas too didn't they *@DetailMouse* ?
Wouldn't insisting they change their plans for his 21st birthday also be controlling?
aloris · 01/03/2022 00:38

Wait they did the same thing at Christmas? Wow, that is really cold.

dizzydizzydizzy · 01/03/2022 08:20

I'd be overjoyed if MIL gave me a holiday for my birthday.

Ladybyrd · 01/03/2022 10:47

Wait they did the same thing at Christmas? Wow, that is really cold.

I missed that. It is all about context. In that case, I don't think I'd be best pleased either. I would get in early with an offer for Christmas dinner this year.

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