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Original poster

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

224 replies

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 16:26

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now Grin

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

OP posts:
Rockmehardplace · 28/02/2022 17:10

@CheltenhamLady

I wouldn't make a fuss, but I would say could I drive up and treat them both to a posh lunch. That leaves them free in the evening to have a romantic Dinner.

That isn't encroaching on his holiday, but is marking that the day is special to you as well.

I’d do this too!
Catsstillrock · 28/02/2022 17:11

OP you are wise to be gracious about the holiday.

But if I were you I’d stand my ground too. Plan something nice for him when he gets back. Invite the girlfriend but NOT her mum! I’d probably go for something like a meal and making him a photo book of all your best family memories together, something where you can shift the date easy if ‘mil’ creates some issue (as it sounds like she has form for).

seekinglondonlife · 28/02/2022 17:12

I'm in the minority obviously, because this wouldn't really bother me. I'd just celebrate before or after they went. I'd keep the special stuff for then, not send it away with them. If he's with his gf it's up to her to make the day special.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
CallMeDaddy58 · 28/02/2022 17:12

@DetailMouse

I'm just looking for ideas for bits to go in the box. I have a main present that I'm pleased with and that I'm sure he will love
This might sound silly but I got my husband and inflatable birthday crown to wear 5 years ago & he still insists I blow it up for him to wear every year 🤣 He loves it. So maybe something fun and silly like that?
ColouringPencils · 28/02/2022 17:13

You are doing the right thing by not letting him know how disappointed you are. Even though it hurts you, the most important thing is that he has a lovely time, not that he has to worry about his mum and future MIL. Thinking back to my own 18th and 21st I am pretty sure I didn't think much of my parents and it was mainly about getting drunk with friends.
What you already have for the box sounds great. I wondered if you have a friend you can go out for a nice lunch with on the day to celebrate 21 years of being a mother Flowers

AuntyFungal · 28/02/2022 17:13

I think you are being very wise to take a step back here.
If the GF’s mother is so overbearing, then you’ll be a welcome relief for the GF. Just keep an eye on it…

How about some comedy glow in the dark condoms?
Or
1000 piece jigsaw.
Coco / hot choc for bedtime.
Old man (not sexy) string vest.
Are you sensing a theme? Grin

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 17:13

A little photo album with photos of him as a baby onwards…should give the gf a laugh if nothing else!

I think that a really lovely idea. Maybe with his dad in as well if you think that would be ok.

Rulia · 28/02/2022 17:14

Only read your first post and no responses but I just had to say - that woman is clearly missing a f-*cking sensitivity chip. What an arse!

So sorry OP, that's a shitty thing for her to do, but you're right to act the bigger person. xx

ENoeuf · 28/02/2022 17:15

Are you sure the mum is as bad as you think and that the planning of dates didn’t involve your da via the girlfriend? Surely he’d have to have known for work / education /activities?

I think I’m in a minority as after they hit early teens I’ve not particularly cared if I see them on their birthday - they’ve always done things with friends and we’ve fitted around.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/02/2022 17:15

That is really shit of her, particularly knowing you had lost your DH!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 28/02/2022 17:16

My ds is turning 21 soon too.

He would be horrified if I encroached on his holiday 🤣 he's 21, he can speak up of he wasn't happy or if he wanted his mum there as well.

My ds hasn't decided what he is doing yet, but whether he spends it with me or with his friends I am absolutely happy with his choice, and its no personal slight against me. Some people on this thread are just being odd and would call a guy a 'mummy's boy' if he suggested his mum gatecrashing a romantic getaway on a different thread.

Op I've started collecting little bits and pieces like a comic from his month and year of birth, you can get things quite cheaply from ebay, and a toy he loved when he was a child.

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 17:16

You sound lovely, OP.

Absolutely don’t gatecrash! You can celebrate properly another day when he’s back.

I’m so sorry you lost your DH, and your DS1 his dad.

For the present box, any family favourite in-jokes, no matter how tacky? My DH loves a bloody Birds Trifle because his dad used to make him one on his birthday when he was little! That sort of thing?

Also maybe something ridiculous like one year in my early 20s my DH bought me a ludicrous dancing hamster that sung Stevie Wonder’s ‘Happy Birthday To You’.

Or, a voucher to his fave takeaway/fast food, or something close by where they’re going that you know he’d enjoy?

GodspeedJune · 28/02/2022 17:17

That sounds really insensitive at best and thoughtless at worst. Sorry OP. I would be upset too.

Did you post previously about your DS spending all his time with this family?

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 28/02/2022 17:17

DetailMouse Flowers your 16:50 post shows you're the mum/ mil who'll have the better relationship with the pair of them long term - you're handling it right!

So sorry to read about your loss.

RewildingAmbridge · 28/02/2022 17:18

To be fair I was at uni when I turned 21 and went to Edinburgh for a few days with friends. I didn't even consider that my parents would be bothered! I celebrated with them at a later date.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:18

@ENoeuf

Are you sure the mum is as bad as you think and that the planning of dates didn’t involve your da via the girlfriend? Surely he’d have to have known for work / education /activities?

I think I’m in a minority as after they hit early teens I’ve not particularly cared if I see them on their birthday - they’ve always done things with friends and we’ve fitted around.

It has crossed my mind that DS might be using "MIL" as cover, but also this is the kind of thing she would do. He has to book all his leave at the start of the year and he's had 2 weeks off around his birthday since Jan so she would have known the dates were OK.
OP posts:
Ozanj · 28/02/2022 17:19

@DetailMouse

I'm just looking for ideas for bits to go in the box. I have a main present that I'm pleased with and that I'm sure he will love
A nicely framed pic of him, DH and you would be nice. I’m sure he’d love that. You might want to add in a gift your DH might have wanted to give him on his 21st - or maybe there’s something of his you could give him?

I would give him the box to take on holiday with him. And put a note to say ‘only to be opened on your birthday’. Then you can give the larger present when he’s at home with you.

TinaYouFatLard · 28/02/2022 17:20

You’re doing exactly the right thing, OP despite your own disappointment.

How about something like the newspaper from the day he was born? You can order these online. A photo book sounds lovely but I personally find old photos make me feel sad, even if they’re happy memories! In the circumstances you don’t want that to backfire on his birthday.

ENoeuf · 28/02/2022 17:20

Ah ok, it does sound thoughtless not to check with you, especially if she knows you do all hang out together for occasions. Was just thinking practicalities really. I’d put a box of chocolates in your birthday box. Maybe some cash for a drink on his birthday?

Sally872 · 28/02/2022 17:21

That's rubbish of gf and her mum to book for actual birthday. Very thoughtless.

I think you are doing the right thing not showing your disappointment and letting ds1 enjoy it.

The box you have made sounds lovely, not sure what else to add. Will come back if I can think of something.

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 17:21

If he’ll open it first thing I’d go for some posh breakfast items, if that’s doable - bottle of Buck’s Fizz etc?

TYbakedpotato · 28/02/2022 17:21

@DetailMouse I just wanted to pop onto this thread and say that whilst it's unlikely the GF's mum meant to upset you, it's obvious why you feel hurt, completely understandable, and the way you've reacted has been amazing. Definitely an example of how to handle unexpected news with grace.

GF and GF's mum may or may not be around forever, but your DS is going to want you in his life forever. You sound like a brilliant mum.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:21

@GodspeedJune

That sounds really insensitive at best and thoughtless at worst. Sorry OP. I would be upset too.

Did you post previously about your DS spending all his time with this family?

Yes, I found it really hard when DH was ill and soon after he died, but I'm reconciled to it now and enjoy the peace and quiet
OP posts:
PoshPyjamas · 28/02/2022 17:21

Dear god, the people suggesting going up for lunch sound crackers - same with the idea of a selection of photos of him and his dad - what are you people on?! Personally I would not even send a box - it smacks of ‘please be missing me’. Just take him for lunch before hand and give him his present.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:22

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

Sorry, in the kindest possiblest;e way this is OTT. Give him a card and a £100.00 note with message to enjoy himself on his birthday. Celebrate together (if he's up for it) when he's back from his trip. Take him out for dinner or get him something like a special watch if you can afford it, if not, just a meal out, invite his GF and remain very calm, cool about it all.
Don't cling to him.