Page 4 | Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

JudgeJ · 28/02/2022 17:23

@Sazza26xx

I can understand why you're upset, it's insensitive, she probably meant well but should have not put you or your son in that position x

Sorry for your loss x

The OP's son, at almost 21, is also being insensitive not realising how this first year without his father is hard for his mother and by allowing his girl friend's mother to play puppet master. He should see the red flags and run a mile, her mother will play at the gate-keeper for their lives.

DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 17:23

@PoshPyjamas

Dear god, the people suggesting going up for lunch sound crackers - same with the idea of a selection of photos of him and his dad - what are you people on?! Personally I would not even send a box - it smacks of ‘please be missing me’. Just take him for lunch before hand and give him his present.

Totally agree.

Noisyprat · 28/02/2022 17:24

Whilst this is absolutely a shitty thing for the GF and GF’s Mum to do frankly I would be very disappointed and feel very let down. I would expect my son to tell them that whilst it’s a lovely gift it needs to become on a date before or after the birthday day because he wants to be with you on that day given you’re his Mum and you lost his Dad not so long ago.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 28/02/2022 17:25

ENoeuf it's a bit different due to him having lost his dad and the OP her DH so recently, and because it washis girlfriend's mother who booked this not the DS himself or his girlfriend herself.

I'd agree in other circumstances - I was at university taking finals on my 21st and then went out with friends and got very drunk - Id have been incredibly peed off if my mum had appeared in the middle of any of that! Similarly with my teens - their celebrations aren't about me and it's completely healthy and appropriate that they plan to celebrate with friends!

But the circumstances are different and I'd be unimpressed if rather than making their own plans with their same age friends a friend's parent or boy/ girlfriend's parent was organising their plans!

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:25

@Viviennemary

That is so thoughtless of these people under the circumstances. There was no need to book it the exact week. Iwould give them the cold shoulder for the foreseeable future. Including the gf.

So in response to nothing worse than thoughtlessness, you'd be petty and vindictive?

This girlfriend could be around for a very long time (I'm still with the man I was seeing when I was 21), so souring the relationship is hardly a good idea.

OP - I'd second the idea of spending money, or maybe a big treat that he'd like when he gets back (posh meal out with his GF?)

JudgeJ · 28/02/2022 17:25

@DetailMouse

So all the people who think I should travel up and join them, you'd be delighted if MIL gatecrashed your romantic birthday dinner/holiday?

But her mother is controlling them already by arranging all this for what should be a family celebration.

SueSaid · 28/02/2022 17:26

'Sorry, in the kindest possiblest;e way this is OTT. Give him a card and a £100.00 note with message to enjoy himself on his birthday. Celebrate together (if he's up for it) when he's back from his trip. '

This.

I'm sorry for your loss op but as we always tend to put our dc's first this is a great opportunity for him to have a nice birthday after what you've both been through .

Crunched · 28/02/2022 17:26

@DetailMouse

So all the people who think I should travel up and join them, you'd be delighted if MIL gatecrashed your romantic birthday dinner/holiday?

You are his Mum, not her MIL, and it is his and your special date.

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 17:26

Sorry, in the kindest possiblest;e way this is OTT.

No it’s not. It’s lovely!

Fine if you wouldn’t do it, but don’t rain on other people’s parades.

I assume the OP knows her son will appreciate it or she wouldn’t bother.

Wizzbangfizz · 28/02/2022 17:27

Clearly in the minority but I really couldn't get worked up over this. Surely you can have a nice meal/occasion type event either end of the trip. I think it is a lovely thing for the girlfriends mum to do and let's face if most 21 year olds want to be with their mates not their mums!

Original poster

DetailMouse · 28/02/2022 17:27

But her mother is controlling them already by arranging all this for what should be a family celebration.

She is, but me inserting myself in the middle of it would be just as bad if not worse

OP posts:

mumonthehill · 28/02/2022 17:29

Although it is very insensitive, I do think we put more emphasis on 21st than our dc do! It feels like a milestone but my ds really did not see it it as a big birthday so I would send him with a cake, card, cash to have a drink and your blessing. Then on the day make time for yourself as it is bound to bring up memories and thoughts. Look at old photos, shed a tear if you need and raise a glass to have got him to 21 in one piece.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 28/02/2022 17:30

@Rockmehardplace

A little photo album with photos of him as a baby onwards…should give the gf a laugh if nothing else!

Great idea!

DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 17:31

You are his Mum, not her MIL, and it is his and your special date

So you would drive up and join if it was your son?

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:32

No it’s not. It’s lovely! Fine if you wouldn’t do it, but don’t rain on other people’s parades. I assume the OP knows her son will appreciate it or she wouldn’t bother.

I think it's Ott, the op asked if it's Ott, she was looking for opinions. It's got nothing to do with me, I do find it smothering to send a special parcel with him on holiday that he has to lug around. The cool thing to do is a nice card with some money so that he can enjoy himself or get a special treat on his birthday and when he comes back there can be a special celebration. But each to their own.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 28/02/2022 17:32

DetailMouse you're right. Definitely do not crash his weekend with his girlfriend! They may well be spending the entire time in bed ... I know you aren't intending to grash and play gooseberry - I'm not sure whether the posters encouraging you to have read all your posts or whether they think your son is going away with his girlfriend and her parents (which really would be far more insensitive).

HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/02/2022 17:32

Expensive aftershave or toiletries that he likes?
Calvin Klein pants
Posh chocs
Posh snacks
Bottle of champagne

Octomore · 28/02/2022 17:32

It has crossed my mind that DS might be using "MIL" as cover, but also this is the kind of thing she would do. He has to book all his leave at the start of the year and he's had 2 weeks off around his birthday since Jan so she would have known the dates were OK.

Tbh, this update makes it pretty obvious that she (or his gf) checked with him when making the arrangement. People don't book annual leave for nothing - they book leave when they have plans.

He's 21, not a child any more - it's totally normal that he'll celebrate birthdays without his family. This particular one is hard for you because of your circumstances, but it's still very normal and he's allowed to want to go on holiday with his gf.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 17:33

same with the idea of a selection of photos of him and his dad - what are you people on?!

When my son was 18, he loved looking at the photos we had sorted out of him growing up. Just for 15 minutes, we all had a good laugh at the photos of the things he’d got up to. A couple had people in that he loved that are no longer here, it was lovely to think of them on his special day. It was a small part of it along with food, alcohol, presents and friends. So what are you on? Maybe don’t be so rude.

Calennig · 28/02/2022 17:34

snacks - ones that travel.

There are these types of boxes pre made up out there:

www.marksandspencer.com/tasty-tuck-box-gift/p/hpp60109457
Movie night hampers
popcorn boxes

We've had them as gifts - from people - none of the ones I've linked to as I cant find them but that kind of thing - something to drink and snack on while watching a film or something.

So crips - popcorn - chocolate maybe more unusual flavours.

mummykel16 · 28/02/2022 17:34

@DetailMouse

Or at least that's how it felt when I first heard the news, I'm calmer now

They've been together for a year and GF's mum is one of those who think her daughter's her best friend. I have a good relationship with DS1 but recognise he has his own life and try to live by that.

We lost DH last year, so it's not always easy and TBH I was worried how we'd manage to celebrate DS's 21st birthday without it being a bit of a damp squib.

I needn't have worried as GF's mum has removed the problem by booking a week's holiday for them for his birthday present. An amazing present and DS is thrilled at the idea of a week away with GF, naturally he'd rather do that than have dinner with his mum, but it means I won't see my pfb on his 21st. I also feel a bit undermined as I won't be doing anything of that magnitude for him.

Anyway, I've told him not to worry, go and have a fantastic time and we'll do something when he gets back.

I'm putting together a birthday box for him to take with him. So far I have ready made cocktails, 21st birthday cupcakes, sparklers for the cakes, cocktail glasses and umberellas, a big birthday badge, party poppers. I don't want to make it stupidly OTT, but any suggestions for a nice finishing touch? He'll have his present when he gets home.

I truly hope your son is proud that he has you for a mother, a lucky boy.

CheltenhamLady · 28/02/2022 17:34

@PoshPyjamas

Dear god, the people suggesting going up for lunch sound crackers - same with the idea of a selection of photos of him and his dad - what are you people on?! Personally I would not even send a box - it smacks of ‘please be missing me’. Just take him for lunch before hand and give him his present.

Why crackers?

I think it just shows that a 21st is quite a special day.

All 4 of my kids were away from home at University when they turned 21, and if their birthdays fell on a weekend they came home for it, and then celebrated with friends the day afterwards. One was 21 mid-week and we went over for lunch on the day and took cake and beer for his flatmates. We then had a family meal the following weekend.

If they don't want that fair enough, but I think it is more the norm to have a family celebration than not.

I also said the OP should ask if it would be an idea for her to drive up, I didn't say just turn up, or insist on it.

Brefugee · 28/02/2022 17:35

tbh i would be more than upset and would ask the GF to ask her mum to imagine what it will be like for you with no husband and your PFB away on a significant birthday and would she like that to happen to her?

And then I'd be PA for all eternity because i love to hold a grudge and annoy people with my pettiness.

DearlyBeloathed · 28/02/2022 17:37

tbh i would be more than upset and would ask the GF to ask her mum to imagine what it will be like for you with no husband and your PFB away on a significant birthday and would she like that to happen to her?

Definitely don't do this.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 17:37

GF's parents aren't going
Ah not sure this was clear initially and does make a difference to whether you should smoosh birthday cake in her face. Agree def can't go up to see him.

How about a bottle of something fizzy if DS will drink it?

Ds1's GF's mum has sabotaged DS1's 21st birthday

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