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Original poster

Is it ok for bf of 1.5 years to spend time with my dd without me?

205 replies

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 10:52

We have been together for 1.5 years. My daughter is 5 and a half and they get on really well. They always messing around. I was thinking it would be nice if he took her to the park without me to bond a little. So far everything we have done has been together. We don’t live together.

Would that be a good or bad idea?

OP posts:
Justgettingbye · 31/12/2021 08:44

As someone who has a 4 year old, I wouldn't, be a mum to your daughter and girlfriend to your boyfriend and if it lasts your boyfriend and daughter will become closer in time

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 08:46

@rocky1914 and yes daughter has asked. She thinks he is hilarious, he acts like a fool and goes on all the apparatus in the park like a loon. She does adore him.

OP posts:
rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 08:48

@Qwertykeys Hi, yes I understand what you're saying, but again, he should be doing that regardless, respecting OP's boundaries, taking things slowly, taking into consideration her previous relationship. All of the above are things that he should be doing anyway. I just feel like it is something that should be happening and developing naturally, and that there should be no rush or force on OP's part to make this happen. I feel like she should wait a bit longer in terms of ascertaining where this relationship is heading.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Qwertykeys · 31/12/2021 08:58

Hi op , thanks for your reply. I think yes it’s perfectly ok to ask “ would you two like to go to the park while I cook tea” you sound very sensible and your boyfriend very sensitive towards you and your daughter. He may be waiting for you to ask him .
To me it’s natural to think is it too soon will he think I’m forcing her on him will daughter get too attached etc .

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 09:00

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 ok, I didn't know that and maybe you have mentioned this somewhere in the thread and I missed it. So fair enough. Is that what caused you to start thinking about it and creating this thread? Because the first mention came from your DD? If so, then that changes things and I understand why you are asking if it would be ok. I'm not saying no, but I wouldn't necessarily say yes either. Not just yet. Please also bear in mind that some of the most abusive, narcissistic men (forget sexual predators for a second), start out as the most caring, attentive, funny and charming individuals. That's how they hook you in. So when you're saying that he's all these wonderful things, no offence, but that goes completely over my head. Because it could all just be an act. I would think that you would be more aware of this if you have previously been with an abusive man. Because your ex wasn't abusive when you met him, was he? Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to obtain your trust, right? These are all things you need to think about. I feel like you are being somewhat naive.

Have the two of you discussed marriage or long-term commitment? Or is it all just niceties and fun at the moment?

mrkramps · 31/12/2021 09:05

@IrishMama2015

On MN I constantly see posts blasting in-laws and grandmothers and aunts who push for alone time to bond with children saying WHY do they need to be alone with the child to bond etc. But then people on this thread are saying it's fine for an unrelated man to be alone with this child to bond. It's confusing. Absolutely single Moms must move on and should be free to pursue romantic relationships and after a time their partners will be in their child's lives. But the child and partner can bond with the mother there? As per the grandmother threads why would they need to be alone?

What makes you think it's the same people saying both things?

mrkramps · 31/12/2021 09:07

[quote PurpleMauve]@NumberTheory

Your responses are just a bit OTT.

I only intended to write one post on this thread, as there are many sensible who have posted along the same lines before my post.[/quote]
If it's an absolute no no as you say - is it grounds for SS to get involved?

lunar1 · 31/12/2021 09:07

Many abusers are blatant and everyone knows what they are like.

Just as many are loved by everyone, oh so funny and attentive, amazing with kids, really understand what you have been through, nobody would suspect them etc.

It's so damn simple to do a disclosure before risking an unrelated adult with your child, he's such an amazing, perfect man he won't even mind will he?

After all he cares for your DD so he will understand your need to protect her, especially after all you have both been through.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 09:09

@rocky1914 yes I know first had how narcissistic abuse starts. This is a million miles away from marriage. Which started off in a whirlwind of drama and toxicity leading to operations after the first few months , I won’t go into it, I was young at the time.
This man makes me feel safe, my ex made me on edge and fighting immediately. He has pushed for nothing, he asks for nothing, he has no rhetoric of charming words like my ex. He simply says I’m here for you. He makes me feel all those nice things he doesn’t do anything to create them.

We haven’t talked much about that. I’m not entirely sure I’d want marriage and all that again. I was simply asking if a trip to the park was a good idea or not.

OP posts:
rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 09:16

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 right, well based on your history, I also wouldn't necessarily be thinking about marriage.

But on the flip side, it begs the question "why not?". If he is all these wonderful things that you say he is (and I'm not disputing any of what you've said btw), then why isn't marriage something you have thought about?

Surely if he makes you feel safe, etc, then you're at a point of trusting him completely, I assume? So then why wouldn't you be considering long-term commitment with him then?

Again, in answer to your question, I wouldn't say no, but also wouldn't necessarily say yes. Not at this point. I think you need to give it a bit more time, that's all.

SunshineCake1 · 31/12/2021 09:17

@Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs
It's very easy to say stuff like this when you have no experience of abuse. Be happy and grateful you haven't. Not dismissive of those that have to consider it.

Fathers, uncles, cousins, grandfathers have all abused their female relatives. Being blood doesn't save you.

I'd rather be cautious than have someone I loved hurt.

Thiswayorthatway · 31/12/2021 09:17

Trust your instincts OP. You have been through a lot and sound as though you have now found a lovely man. I wish you all the best Flowers

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 09:19

It's very easy to say stuff like this when you have no experience of abuse. Be happy and grateful you haven't. Not dismissive of those that have to consider it.

This. 👍

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 09:20

@rocky1914 why do I need to get married to Show long term commitment. It’s just a piece of paper it means absolutely nothing about commitment. I also want to protect what I have for my daughter. I’m not silly and I know that when a relationship breaks up no matter how much in love you were money changes a lot. I’ve almost paid off my mortgage, my house at this moment is for my daughter. That may change if I had more children but not sure about that either.

OP posts:
Clymene · 31/12/2021 09:22

You've been asked a couple of times but I don't think you've answered - have you done a Sarah's law check on him?

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 09:25

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 you're absolutely right regarding the fact that money changes everything when divorcing. I also agree that marriage is just a piece of paper and would not stop a man from turning into an abuser. I think what I meant in terms of long-term commitment, is ascertaining whether or not this man is in it for the long haul, or if he just a nice, fun guy who makes you feel safe. Do you get what I mean?

Also, can I just point something out. Whilst I completely agree on your take regarding marriage and the fact that your assets are yours and your DD's (and quite rightfully so!), if you trust this man so much and he makes you feel safe and secure, why would you be concerned about the relationship potentially ending?

This is my point. Based on that alone, you can't then in same breath argue that he's a great guy that you totally trust with your life (and your DD's) because clearly, you don't?

Cheeeeislifenow · 31/12/2021 09:32

Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs

It's very easy to say stuff like this when you have no experience of abuse. Be happy and grateful you haven't. Not dismissive of those that have to consider it.

Fathers, uncles, cousins, grandfathers have all abused their female relatives. Being blood doesn't save you.

How fucking presumptuous...
Don't presume to think you know everything about everyone posting and their history...you have no idea who is behind a screen.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 09:34

@rocky1914 yes he makes me feel safe and I trust him but I’m not a fresh person like I was before when I trusted someone and handed them everything. That’s why I’ve not left him alone for 18 months with my daughter and why I’m asking advice and not just going ahead and doing it. That’s why I’m protecting what I have.

Anyone has the potential to let someone down and before I had no back up plan I gave away everything. I can’t do that again. Right this second I’m in love yes but I know how that can change. And I did agree I’d let it go and see how it goes naturally.

OP posts:
northstars · 31/12/2021 09:36

OP, I wish you all the best and commend you for starting over after your previous relationship. Reading your posts, my concern is that it all seems to have happened very quickly - your DD adoring your partner, spending time with his family, having her own room at his place. I would worry about her getting too attached and the impact it will have on her if the relationship ends (it sounds like you haven’t discussed marriage with your partner). From that point of view, I personally would be trying to slow things down a bit and stop involving DD so much in your relationship and your partner’s life/family. At least until your relationship progresses to a more serious point.

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 09:40

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 again, I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I've missed this. Yes, I think that is definitely the best option. Just wait and see, because honestly, I understand and accept that you love him, fine. But you don't know what the future holds.

I wish you nothing but the best and genuinely hope this relationship continues to grow and flourish. If all you've said is true, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. However, I would still proceed with caution regardless. Best of luck OP

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 09:50

Not all relationships will last forever as much as we want them to. My daughter has a positive relationship at the moment with positive people. Unfortunately she will shortly be starting a relationship with her abusive father and his family. She will have to make up her own mind the kind of relationships she wants. I can show her positive ones and guide her through them if they end. That’s all I can do. I can’t hide her from experiencing them. The relationship I’m in with him is very positive, hopefully she will gain experience from that. If it ends and we get disappointed then that’s life and we must get through it. I can’t hide her away just in case from everything. I’ve memories of relationships in the past that did not last, my memories are positive of them

OP posts:
Toffeepenni · 31/12/2021 09:57

I would do a Clare’s Law/Sarah’s law before you get deeper into the relationship, he sounds great but some men wait until they get their feet’s firmly under the table to show their true colours.
You will know this from the Freedom Programme.

justustwoandmoo · 31/12/2021 10:02

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

Not all relationships will last forever as much as we want them to. My daughter has a positive relationship at the moment with positive people. Unfortunately she will shortly be starting a relationship with her abusive father and his family. She will have to make up her own mind the kind of relationships she wants. I can show her positive ones and guide her through them if they end. That’s all I can do. I can’t hide her from experiencing them. The relationship I’m in with him is very positive, hopefully she will gain experience from that. If it ends and we get disappointed then that’s life and we must get through it. I can’t hide her away just in case from everything. I’ve memories of relationships in the past that did not last, my memories are positive of them
You sound incredibly sensible OP and you are right. It's lovely that she can experience a good positive relationship. Especially if the one with her Dad isn't going to be that way xx
Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 10:45

There isn’t a negative thing I can say about him @justustwoandmoo. She says he smells and I just say well we have to weight up the positives and negatives and hopefully the positives win….that and all boys are a little smelly!

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 31/12/2021 12:35

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

There isn’t a negative thing I can say about him *@justustwoandmoo*. She says he smells and I just say well we have to weight up the positives and negatives and hopefully the positives win….that and all boys are a little smelly!
🤣🤣 sounds about standard. My daughter tells her step dad he stinks on a daily basis....!