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Original poster

Is it ok for bf of 1.5 years to spend time with my dd without me?

205 replies

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 10:52

We have been together for 1.5 years. My daughter is 5 and a half and they get on really well. They always messing around. I was thinking it would be nice if he took her to the park without me to bond a little. So far everything we have done has been together. We don’t live together.

Would that be a good or bad idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 18:28

Thanks, a very mixed bag of responses. Some people seem to think I’m forcing something to happen. I don’t think I said I was forcing anything just asking for a few opinions. I was a bit worried as my daughter has quite a serious food allergy and she hasn’t been alone with anyone apart from my mum and at school. It’s a lot to put on someone.

Funny she was with my mum today and he dropped off her recorder she had left when visiting his parents on Boxing Day. I was at work and he stayed and watched the jungle book with her. She was very excited to tell me when I got home.

OP posts:
elelel · 30/12/2021 18:31

Funny she was with my mum today and he dropped off her recorder she had left when visiting his parents on Boxing Day. I was at work and he stayed and watched the jungle book with her. She was very excited to tell me when I got home.

I would be suspicious of him going out of his way to visit her when you are at work tbh. You need to pull back a bit, not encourage further contact.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 18:38

I don’t have suspicions of him in that way at all.

OP posts:

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elelel · 30/12/2021 18:59

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

I don’t have suspicions of him in that way at all.

In what way? I didn't suggest a way, I asked why he went to visit your 5 year old when you were at work.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 19:01

We live 3 doors from each other at the moment. He dropped off her recorder after visiting his parents who found it down the side of the sofa. My mum made him a cup of tea and he sat and watched the jungle book on tv then left. He and me are always popping over.

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 19:02

@LiloandTwitch

She's 5.

Why does she need to bond alone with a grown man you are romantically involved with, after only 18 months?

What a strange view....

Why not? If they get on well and she's comfortable then I don't see a problem. Not all men are bad you know.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 19:05

Sounds like a lovely idea. He seems lovely and quite involved already tbh. Xx

Cherrytart23 · 30/12/2021 19:05

You already say they get on really well so obviously they already have a bond no need to push this any further.
If you need a sitter and he's up to the job then ask him but there is no need for them to have a bonding session.

elelel · 30/12/2021 19:07

What a strange view....

It's not strange, it's basic and sensible.

Why not? If they get on well and she's comfortable then I don't see a problem. Not all men are bad you know.

Nobody is saying all men are bad. There are many reasons for not encouraging a string bond between a 5 year old child and a man. Not all of them are because the man might be 'bad', however is should be a huge consideration.

rainbowdaz · 30/12/2021 19:14

@elelel

What a strange view....

It's not strange, it's basic and sensible.

Why not? If they get on well and she's comfortable then I don't see a problem. Not all men are bad you know.

Nobody is saying all men are bad. There are many reasons for not encouraging a string bond between a 5 year old child and a man. Not all of them are because the man might be 'bad', however is should be a huge consideration.

Well only op will know her situation. He may be keen to know op's DD if he wants the relationship to progress - marriage, moving in, more kids. Kinda hard to do if you don't know your partner's first child and have no bond.

It's not fair to expect women to never move on. If you have a kid- that's it. No other serious relationship, no siblings. Man cannot meet your child until they're 18.

But I get it. Of course, there should be a level of caution. We know that some men have bad intentions. Maybe there's a compromise like keep spending time together but as a trio.

elelel · 30/12/2021 19:18

It's not fair to expect women to never move on.

It's less fair to the child to introduce new men into their lives. Women should keep these relationships separate. OP child has had this man in her life for 2 years already - which is quite something since they have only been together for 18 months. I think of you are going to introduce your child to a new partner 18 months - 2 years is about the time frame as you have a better idle of the person and the potential future. Women who involve their children with their new partner straight away are poster putting their child both at risk of abuse (all kinds) and of losing another father figure. This poor kid is only 5 Sad

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/12/2021 19:19

I don't see why they need to bond alone.

I would understand if you said that it would help if she was out of the house for you to do some tidying up etc, you have no childcare so, is it ok he takes her out but to suggest they need time to bond is IMO wrong. A 5 year old can build a bond with someone when others are around.

So under the guise of them bonding, YABU.

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/12/2021 19:20

I'm not sure even after 18months she needs to be apart of this.

Loudestcat14 · 30/12/2021 19:24

Why did you feel you needed to get advice first, OP?

bonfireheart · 30/12/2021 19:27

Jesus, some of the people on this thread!!

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/12/2021 19:31

You have done the freedom programme, which suggests that you need to put very strong boundaries in place .. maybe more than most, and for longer than most, to ensure that you are able to remain strong, independent, and not be pulled into familiar patterns. If you have a history of abuse yourself, or of relationships where power is given to your partner please be very careful.. Abusers are very clever, and choose their partners with the long game in mind, particularly where children are involved. How did you meet him, what's his history, how long has it taken for her to have "a whale of a time at his house" etc etc. Stay strong and separate your relationship with him in order to protect your daughter.

rainbowdaz · 30/12/2021 19:33

@elelel

It's not fair to expect women to never move on.

It's less fair to the child to introduce new men into their lives. Women should keep these relationships separate. OP child has had this man in her life for 2 years already - which is quite something since they have only been together for 18 months. I think of you are going to introduce your child to a new partner 18 months - 2 years is about the time frame as you have a better idle of the person and the potential future. Women who involve their children with their new partner straight away are poster putting their child both at risk of abuse (all kinds) and of losing another father figure. This poor kid is only 5 Sad

I think responsible parents have enough sense to not continue with anyone who dislikes their kid.

I was actually that kid at 7 with a mew husband who had nothing to do with me and my sibling. As a result, I wouldn't do the same, but I'm not never having a serious relationship again.

The compromise is keep meeting together and bonding not them never meeting at all. Plenty of stepparents are great. Just like plenty of non related adoptive parents are great.

Plus, tbf, it's easier to handle a newborn relationship as a 5yo than much older. But whatever, people will have different perspectives based into their life experience. Some find it unfathomable, I think op knows better than any of us

rainbowdaz · 30/12/2021 19:34

A 5 year old can build a bond with someone when others are around.

This is sensible. The answer is not, as some suggest, to never meet him at all, though. Unless nobody with children is ever allowed to remarry etc.

SnugKnights · 30/12/2021 19:35

@MyDcAreMarvel

Yes it’s a lovely idea. *@LiloandTwitch* because he is a significant figure in her life, a potential step father. 18 months is a very long time in a five year olds life. She literally won’t remember life before him.
Surely OP didn’t introduce them straight away though? That would’ve been irresponsible.
WonderfulYou · 30/12/2021 19:40

As you’ve been in an abusive relationship before then I would give it a bit more time. Statistically you are more likely to be in a relationship with someone else who could be abusive. So you want to be sure he’s the right one before they get too much of a bond.

Give it another 6 months and then see how you feel. If things are still going good then I’d definitely go for it. I think going to a park is also a great idea!

How long has she known him/been staying his once a week?

thickthighs73 · 30/12/2021 19:41

@bonfireheart

Jesus, some of the people on this thread!!
I know right, is it really unheard of that there are actually good men out there. Too many here implying he’s a paedophile
AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2021 19:46

It's less fair to the child to introduce new men into their lives. Women should keep these relationships separate. OP child has had this man in her life for 2 years already - which is quite something since they have only been together for 18 months. I think of you are going to introduce your child to a new partner 18 months - 2 years is about the time frame as you have a better idle of the person and the potential future. Women who involve their children with their new partner straight away are poster putting their child both at risk of abuse (all kinds) and of losing another father figure. This poor kid is only 5 and of course every child who is abused by a man is abused because they were introduced too soon? Every woman whose partner begins abusing her when the relationship is already established hasn’t been in her life for more than a few months?

The reality is that no-one knows where any relationship is going to end. If you are a single parent then it stands to reason that you have been in a long-term relationship in order to have had children and that relationship didn’t last, whereas you could introduce the kids fairly early on and the relationship could last for the rest of your lives.

It’s ridiculous to suggest not introducing a man for 2 years. The relationship dynamic changes the instant the children are introduced, so the longer you wait, the harder it is going to be to adjust.

As for the posters saying that the OP introduced him too soon given the DD has known him for 2 years, I’d guess that the OP and him were already friends and a relationship developed after the friendship. Or would people suggest children never be introduced to their parents’ friends either?

St0rmTr00per · 30/12/2021 19:46

I would compromise and maybe suggest he watch her and play some gmaes with her while you "get on with some work" and go upstairs or into another room maybe. That way hes minding her and bonding but youre not too far away

RevolvingPivot · 30/12/2021 19:49

I don't know many men who would voluntarily sit and watch cartoons with someone else's kid. My kids dad won't even do that. Maybe he's trying to impress you?

AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2021 19:53

I don't know many men who would voluntarily sit and watch cartoons with someone else's kid. My kids dad won't even do that. Maybe he's trying to impress you? or maybe he dropped off the recorder, and the GM gave him a cup of tea, meanwhile the cartoon was already on and the DD said “let’s watch the jungle book,” so while he drank his cup of tea he watched with her?

FGS why must people see sinister intent in everything?