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Original poster

Is it ok for bf of 1.5 years to spend time with my dd without me?

205 replies

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 10:52

We have been together for 1.5 years. My daughter is 5 and a half and they get on really well. They always messing around. I was thinking it would be nice if he took her to the park without me to bond a little. So far everything we have done has been together. We don’t live together.

Would that be a good or bad idea?

OP posts:
LondonQueen · 30/12/2021 22:49

You guys are absolutely crazy, there is nothing wrong with OP's daughter going to the work with her partner! It's not like she has know him 5 minutes it's 18 months!

SouthernFashionista · 30/12/2021 22:51

Grim and really not lovely at all.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 23:00

@Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs
So glad to see this and other messages like it. Honestly I sometimes feel like I'm losing the plot reading things on here....🤣

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
IrishMama2015 · 30/12/2021 23:17

On MN I constantly see posts blasting in-laws and grandmothers and aunts who push for alone time to bond with children saying WHY do they need to be alone with the child to bond etc. But then people on this thread are saying it's fine for an unrelated man to be alone with this child to bond. It's confusing. Absolutely single
Moms must move on and should be free to pursue romantic relationships and after a time their partners will be in their child's lives. But the child and partner can bond with the mother there? As per the grandmother threads why would they need to be alone?

Coffeesnob11 · 30/12/2021 23:26

[quote Iwannascreammerrychristmas8]@DinoDinner my ex was abusive, hence me saying my daughter hasn’t seen her father for 2 years. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, well I had to after he made me have a nervous breakdown. My boyfriend is the absolute opposite, calm, very kind, very supportive a good man really.[/quote]
Have you done a clares law and a Sarah's law request on him?

bluebell34567 · 30/12/2021 23:33

@Luredbyapomegranate

I think only once you are planning to move in together / get married. Simply because if you break up and she’s formed a proper step dad relationship that will be very upsetting for her. You need to be as sure as you can be that he’s for keeps.

Glad it’s going well though

agree.
elelel · 30/12/2021 23:41

@Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs

Nobody has said a trip to the park makes him a paedophile though. Nobody.

Cheeeeislifenow · 30/12/2021 23:42

Just reminded me of a vague memory being about four, my uncle came over took me to a corner shop and picked out sweets we stopped at the swings. I remember holding his hand and skipping. This just reminded me of that.

Cheeeeislifenow · 30/12/2021 23:43

Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs

Nobody has said a trip to the park makes him a paedophile though. Nobody.

It is very very much implied. Don't pretend to be naive.

elelel · 30/12/2021 23:57

It is very very much implied. Don't pretend to be naive.

The irony of you calling me naive when I have raised the issue of child protection - and not specifically SA throughout this thread. The naive ones are those who are shouting the loudest about how awful anyone is who says we should consider all aspects of our children's relationships with a new partner. In the real world, we should be sensible, not berating other women for daring to discuss child protection issues. They come in all shapes and sizes.

PurpleMauve · 31/12/2021 00:03

This is an absolute no no. I work in CP.
I agree. All three sound vulnerable.

NumberTheory · 31/12/2021 00:11

@PurpleMauve

This is an absolute no no. I work in CP. I agree. All three sound vulnerable.
An “absolute no no” for someone’s boyfriend to be asked to look after a child for an hour?

What exactly do you do in “CP”?

PurpleMauve · 31/12/2021 00:18

@NumberTheory

‘An “absolute no no” for someone’s boyfriend to be asked to look after a child for an hour?

What exactly do you do in “CP”?’

No; I’m hardly going to give details on an anonymous forum! Stating that I work in Child Protection is enough.

NumberTheory · 31/12/2021 00:23

[quote PurpleMauve]@NumberTheory

‘An “absolute no no” for someone’s boyfriend to be asked to look after a child for an hour?

What exactly do you do in “CP”?’

No; I’m hardly going to give details on an anonymous forum! Stating that I work in Child Protection is enough.[/quote]
Of course. You’re right. Stating a job role on an anonymous forum would be horrendously dangerous. I see that now. Your call to authority is well bolstered and OP and every other reader will, I’m sure, give your statements all the attention they deserves.

faithfulbird20 · 31/12/2021 00:41

No I wouldn't feel comfortable.

PurpleMauve · 31/12/2021 00:50

@NumberTheory

Your responses are just a bit OTT.

I only intended to write one post on this thread, as there are many sensible who have posted along the same lines before my post.

PurpleMauve · 31/12/2021 00:51

*many sensible people

ImmutableSexQueen · 31/12/2021 00:53

Put your child's safety first. Don't leave her alone with a man.

PGSTesting123 · 31/12/2021 01:57

He probably is a nice guy etc.

However, you can never know what is in one's heart, even if you're married to them for 50 years.

Be on the safe side and don't encourage an one and one relationship. It isn't necessary.

Also, don't tell him you've asked this question or even had this thought. It will ruin your relationship.

Don't mention this to him.
Don't let him have her alone.
Don't let him move in, unless you want more kids.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 08:12

I wasn’t going to come back. I wish that child services and Cafcass and all those that were really that concerned about children felt this when looking into alone time with convicted abusive fathers. It’s acceptable for them to have to there children when found guilty at court. He has done awful things. I’ve had to spend an awful lot of money to make sure that contact is safe but it’s out of my hands now. An hour with something lovely and calm and shoes no flags against a who knows how much alone time with an abuser. It’s all wrong and I guess that’s a different thread.

OP posts:
rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 08:28

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

I wasn’t going to come back. I wish that child services and Cafcass and all those that were really that concerned about children felt this when looking into alone time with convicted abusive fathers. It’s acceptable for them to have to there children when found guilty at court. He has done awful things. I’ve had to spend an awful lot of money to make sure that contact is safe but it’s out of my hands now. An hour with something lovely and calm and shoes no flags against a who knows how much alone time with an abuser. It’s all wrong and I guess that’s a different thread.
I haven't read the entire thread but I get the gist of it. I agree with what you just said about convicted abusive fathers and that they shouldn't be allowed to see their children without supervision or at all if you ask me.

However, I think pp's concerns are based on the fact that it's you that wishes to push things forward in terms of DD's relationship with your BF. I appreciate that you've known each other for 2 years, but it's not even the length of time, it's more the fact that this man is not yet your husband or even your fiancé for you to be so concerned about developing the bond between him and your DD.

A bond is something that develops naturally. Not by force. Why are you trying to force a relationship between 2 people that is going to inevitably happen naturally (should he turn out to be the good guy that you say he is)?

I have so many questions. Have you guys discussed marriage? Or is this just a casual relationship with a really nice guy?

Either way, stop trying to force things. It's strange and worrying behaviour.

Qwertykeys · 31/12/2021 08:33

I agree this thread is depressing. Op has no worries about her new partner, her daughter has known him for 18 months, has her own room at his house . Op simply wants to know is is it too soon for her to allow her boyfriend to take her somewhere on his own. This could be a trip to the park , the corner shop , a walk in the woods . And to me no it’s not , daughter likes him , boyfriend adores her , what is wrong with op thinking the next stage is boyfriend to look after daughter, it seems natural progression to me .

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 08:40

@Qwertykeys I appreciate what you're saying. I also think that even if they were married/engaged, he could still turn out to be every mother's worst nightmare. So it's not the length of time now that I'm thinking about it. It's the fact that OP is consciously (and deliberately) trying to push for one-on-one time to take place between the two of them. Why? Isn't that something that should just happen naturally? For example, DD actually asks to go to the park with him, mother says yes, etc. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 31/12/2021 08:44

They already have a lovely bond, she tells him she loves him all the time. We have all had a wonderful time with him as part of it. He has added so much fun and laughter that has been missing in both our lives.

Yes he is serious, I wouldn’t be inviting a casual relationship into our lives. I could spend my life with him, he is an asset. Unlike my ex he has a lovely family, no drama, no toxicity, they have invited us both in. Lovely nieces my daughters age and they have met a few times and played together.

His mum has been so supportive of me. She has given me many kind words to support me through court lately.

I won’t like you said “force” the bond. Although that’s not what I meant. I just meant eg if I was making dinner take her to the park which is literally 2 mins away. He would make a fantastic step-father. I can’t speak more high of him as a person. I know people won’t believe me but he is a good man.

OP posts:
Qwertykeys · 31/12/2021 08:44

Hi rocky, maybe boyfriend is letting op take the lead and doing things in her own time . He may knows of her previous relationship and is being very respectful in not pushing anything.