Is it ok for bf of 1.5 years to spend time with my dd without me?

[Iwannascreammerrychristmas8]

We have been together for 1.5 years. My daughter is 5 and a half and they get on really well. They always messing around. I was thinking it would be nice if he took her to the park without me to bond a little. So far everything we have done has been together. We don’t live together.

Would that be a good or bad idea?

Because @Suzi888 I was asking advice as to whether it was too soon, too much for dd too much to ask him to do, what’s the social norms etc…..I never once said I have concerns about him being a sexual predator. People seem to have jumped on that. Would I really post hmmmm I’m concerned about my boyfriend abusing my daughter should I leave her alone with him….I’m not an idiot.

However, in saying that...there have been multiple stories in the press where young children have been abused by "mum's partner" worth noting though that the most recent two, and possibly most horrific cases we’ve seen in a long time the abuse and ultimate murders were committed by women.

yet I imagine that if someone posted on here that their bf’s friends were advising him to not leave his kids with her because she might be a child abuser it would be the BF who was criticised.

And no, it doesn’t matter that men are more likely than women to abuse children. One case of abuse by either sex is one too many. Yet the warnings only seem to exist around men and not women.

I’ve also known friends who’s husbands have cheated and ruined the family. You can never guarantee any relationship forever. Friends who have close bonds with children often come and go, people die. Nothing is certain. You can’t protect them from having relationships with people as long as those relationships are healthy…….which mine is. I think it’s good for her to have a healthy bond with a man considering her father will start to be in her life again shortly.

I think only once you are planning to move in together / get married. Simply because if you break up and she’s formed a proper step dad relationship that will be very upsetting for her. You need to be as sure as you can be that he’s for keeps.

Glad it’s going well though

I kind of wish I never said anything now. But I will just leave it and let it happen naturally rather then force it and try and arrange something. Sounds like a better option anyway.

The red flag here is that if you ever meet a man and you already have a daughter, that man should not ask for access to your daughter without you. Doesn't matter how long you have known him.

Nope. I wouldn't, not under any circumstances.

No I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t take the risk with a 5 year old, most men are lovely until they’re not. Different situation but I’m a single parent who has dated but never introduced to my youngest, he has significant SN, one bf offered early on in the relationship to babysit my son if I ever needed to do anything, he hadn’t even met him and knew nothing of his needs. Nope, nope and nope, kids are so vulnerable.

But it was my only abusive relationship and I’ve gone back with help to my childhood where it all began. It’s been a difficult journey. I met him towards the end and he has been so supportive

This is the main bit that worries me.

You’ve had an abusive relationship and then met him towards the end of your journey - so you were still pretty vulnerable.

How long was it that you broke up with your ex and met this guy?

He sounds really nice and from what you’ve said I can’t see any red flags but if it’s going to last then waiting a few more months isn’t going to make much difference.

At what point did you introduce him to your DD and does he have kids?

think it’s good for her to have a healthy bond with a man considering her father will start to be in her life again shortly.

Sorry, is it great to intensify the relationship with DD and BF when she is going to have to adjust to having her father newly back into her life, another reason for it maybe not being the best timing for her, sounds all too confusing for her.

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

I kind of wish I never said anything now. But I will just leave it and let it happen naturally rather then force it and try and arrange something. Sounds like a better option anyway.

I'm glad you did. It raised a few questions and eyebrows but I do think you got some good out of it anyway. The natural progression is definitely the way to go. As sometime who deals with child protection issues I asked the question as to why he had gone to see her when you were at work, this did raise a wee flag with me, however your explanation is a sensible one that he was simply going home from his parents with the item, and he lives near you. The thing about threads like this is you are not the only person in the same situation, so discussing this can be helpful to many. I hope things go well for you all in the future.

@elelel we are living with my mum at the moment whilst I’m renovating my house. My mums house is in the same street as his house. My daughter had left the recorder at his parents and he was on the way back from visiting them. He told me via text he would drop it off as she was upset. I bought her it for xmas and she left it there since Boxing Day. My mum invited him in for a cup of tea and my daughter made him stay and watch jungle book. My mum is lonely since my dad died so happy for the company. At that point my lovely daughter had spread glitter glue all over her carpet! He video called me to show me the mess and her playing away on the recorder. It was funny. Nothing sinister at all. I appreciate there are people out there who are not like this, I was married to one before!

I’m not going into details about when I met him and how etc, it’s not really relevant to my question. I take on board that maybe not the best timing at the moment what with contact and that starting in the next few months. Will leave as is at the moment.

@Qwertykeys

It sounds like a good idea , he’s obviously part of his life . I would maybe ask if he could take her while you did some house work , and maybe join them after a while. You would probably be able to see how they interact when you get to the park.

This seems like a decent plan.

If it is a serious relationship then a trip to the park, or similar sounds a normal part of life, especially if you have known him a couple of years.

I don't think day trips alone are a good idea at this stage. Keep them both safe by reducing the risk of things like awkward toilet situations. I know lots of men who would be very reluctant to take a female relative (Neice/Cousin type relationship) out for a day trip until they were old enough to reliably use a toilet alone at the places they were going to.

You don't live with him, there is no commitment security or permanence between him and DD, and therefore she doesn't need to "bond" with him.

There are many more fish in the sea for you. But you've only got one daughter.

I’m not going into details about when I met him and how etc, it’s not really relevant to my question. I take on board that maybe not the best timing at the moment what with contact and that starting in the next few months. Will leave as is at the moment.

That’s fair enough.

Unfortunately going through abuse is not only bad in itself but it does mean you need to be more careful and take things slower than someone who hasn’t.

And obviously a main issue is not getting into a relationship or introducing your DCs too soon after your old one has finished as you are not thinking clearly and you need for be single for a good while before you can really see people for who they are better.

You sound sensible and it sounds like you have a supportive mum so just have fun taking things slowly.

Also if you live with your mum why not ask her to keep your DD there whilst you stay at his - it means you’re not rushing things and you guys get to have alone time.

It's worrying that you can't see anything wrong with your very young daughter 'always being part of things.'

That's no okay and your judgment might not be quite right on him. There are men that prey on women in exactly your situation, single with a young child and previous abusive relationships.

The odds are he's not one of them, but you really need to think if you have been objective enough to make that call at this point.

Have you done a Sarah's Law disclosure for a start?

Nope. You’re not married. He’s not her stepdad. He’s your boyfriend.

@WonderfulYou I do leave her with my mum at times. There is only so much I can ask of her as she has M.S, there is no one else. If I leave my daughter behind she gets upset as she enjoys herself. We have pet gerbils there, my mum will not allow them in her house. We watch films etc, he cooks terrible food. She packs her stuff and says I’m coming. He bought her some unicorn bedding and she loves it. There was a couple of years between meeting him. I really didn’t expect to ever meet anyone again. He was absolutely unexpected.

Right thanks for the advice. Will step away now. I’ve kind of reached the conclusion which I’ve stated above. Not going to keep going round in circles about whether I’ve introduced a sex pest into my child’s life. Not what I was asking, I’m not stupid. I’ve done an extensive amount of work to get to this point having found myself in an abusive marriage for over a decade. My judgment is my judgment and it’s fine thank you.

Will hold off like I said so thanks for the sensible advice.

It sounds like all 3 of you (yourself daughter and mum are vulnerable). Hope you've found a good one OP 😃

Take care OP. Please don’t read too much into the hysterical responses

How is it hysterical to do a disclosure on someone you intend to leave alone with your child? Why take a chance without using every resource available.

This thread is depressing... A trip to the park does not a paedophile make...do people allow their children to go to their grandfather's and other male family members? Ffs